Sunday, July 16, 2006

I can't even drink with friends now

Yesterday started out quite well. I recently bought an Elizabeth David cookbook and decided to make a lasagna, from scratch (including the pasta). It turned out really well and as we had a friend for our late lunch it went down a treat. Another friend came around with her daughter, who very kindly brought some cake. So after our guests had left we decided to go to the pub as usual.

This was the start of the trouble in that Charlotte was there. One of the friends told us that they didn't want to be in the middle of "this car crash waiting to happen" so went off with the others to the other end of the bar. At this point fine they have distanced themselves from both sides equally. However, everytime they went out to smoke (its illegal to smoke in bars in Scotland) Charlotte joined them so it seemed clear that it was me who was being singled out as the undesirable element, which given that my husband had had an affair with Charlotte, means that I'm the victim, yet for some reason I'm the one who is being treated as the guilty party, so I now know that I'm persona non grata whilst she has the run of the place. Given Charlotte's manipulative ways it doesn't surprise me that she's made managed to make herself out as the hurt party, but she has completely wrecked my life. So now I'm locked into a situation that I have no control over. My husband constantly defends the slut who tried to wreck our marriage yet when she throws lies and crap at me he won't defend me, yet he says that it's me he loves and that he wants to make our marriage work. I don't know where I stand.

It's so depressing that I really do not want to live any more but my husband seems to think that killing myself is not a good option. I just wish that the people who have so clearly decided that this whore is the one to be supported would get out of my life and let me do what I want, instead of insisting that I live so that they can pile more shame and humiliation onto me. So I had about 10 of my anti-depressant tables left and I've now managed to take them all without giving any indication to my husband that I've taken them. When I start to feel sleepy I'll go to bed as normal and hopefully I'll never wake up, but I can't guarantee that because I can't find anything that gives an indication as to what is a lethal dose of amitriptyline.