Thursday, July 13, 2006

The past few days have been very fraught in one way and another. The girl my husband was having an affair with is still holding me responsible for the situation and although she is now accepting some responsibility it's only 1/3. I don't understand her reasoning in this but it's a start. The way that she is manipulating things around to make out that she is the victim of all this would be laughable if it wasn't so painful. In fact, it was her reply to my husband challenging her version that sent me off on another wave of depression. I ended up taking my current dose of 150 mg Amitriptyline plus 5mg of Diazepam and waiting for the inevitable drowsiness to set in. Whilst waiting, I ran a bath but tried to keep everything as normal as possible (I hoped). I should point out at this stage that as I'm asthmatic if I'm having a bout of insomnia I can't use barbiturates, because they depress respiratory function so I'm usually prescribed 25mg of Amitriptyline as a sleeping pill, but now that the dose has been increased to it's anti-depressant levels it's giving me 6 times the dose I need to sleep so, when they knock me out, it's difficult to rouse me.

So as soon as I was feeling sleepy enough, I posted the following message to my LJ account,

So long, Farewell. Auf Weidersehn, Goodbye..
Jul. 10th, 2006 | 09:21 pm
I'm sick of this situation with a little slut by the name of Charlotte H----- doing her best to blame HER actions on me. Listen you little whore get back down to Leith Docks were you belong - I think your arse is worth about a fiver a fuck.

As for me I can't cope with this. I've taken my amytriptiline and the valium based stuff the doctor gave me and I'm now feeling sleepy - time to lock myself into my bathroom and climb into that nice bath I've run. AND IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT CHARLOTTE.

As for the rest of you, it's been nice knowing you.

I then logged out of everything, and climbed into the bath reclining to the point that it's only my back and stomach muscles tensing that is keeping my head above water. I went slightly under a couple of times as I was starting to doze, but the water coming up my nose woke me for a bit and then I'd start to dose again. As my husband has closed his LJ account I thought it would take a while for any message to get to him, however, I didn't take into consideration the various people who actually look at my LJ. So a friend in Jersey, who didn't have our phone numbers, called a mutual friend, who in turn tried to call my husband but couldn't get through because he's had to change his mobile number to stop the bitch's text messages, so in the end had to call my mobile instead to alert him. My husband used a screwdriver to unlock the bathroom door from the outside and grabbed me, keeping my head above water until he could get the bath drained.

Now comes the big question. Did I really want to kill myself? I have to say that the answer is yes. I'm in a situation that I can't cope with. I have the girl who has followed my husband all the way to Edinburgh trying to make me feel like a visitor in my own home, coming around to my work and disrupting the place, insinuating herself into my circle of friends and trying to use them to gain sympathy when her plan to wreck my marriage and my life went wrong. At the moment it's like every single cell in my body is an open wound and is hypersensitive and I want to find a way to make the pain stop. Yes, my husband had an affair but when push came to shove he decided to stay with me, but at what price to my sanity. If he's late home from work I'm wondering if he's gone to see her, I'm wondering what plans he is making behind my back, who else he might be seeing, and all the while it seems as though I'm the one who is being portrayed as the bad guy. I get the feeling that people are avoiding me like I'm some sort of plague carrier, and it has all become really too much for me to bear.

I know that this post is a bit of a ramble but I'm currently not really thinking straight, I'm not so much living as going through the motions. I'm sorry so many people were alarmed, but to be honest I really didn't think anyone would care. Maybe that's true or maybe it's just my perception, but the honest truth is that at the time I locked the bathroom door I really didn't want or expect to leave the room alive