Arghh!!

I missed the main drinking session of the geekfest, due to continued illness. However, a couple of the "delegates" were at my Manchester place on Thursday night after kindly meeting me at the train station with offerings of beer and breezers. Pity I wasn't in a fit enough state to be a charming hostess, however, my boyfriend was also there and he made up for the manners I missed.

Friday was spent mainly in bed feeling like I was dying and Saturday was only fractionally better. The coughing spasms have left me with a pain in my chest and across my shoulder and I'm now having difficulty getting into a position where I'm comfortable, and to make matters worse I've taken all the paracetamol based pain killers I dare and they haven't worked.

I just have to keep reminding myself that things can only get better.

Blargh!!!

Well I missed the Holyrood tonight, which has upset me mightily. But seeing as I am laid low and in bed with a horrible flu bug I didn't think I would be popular if I spread it around. It's a nasty little bug too - gone straight for the chest, and as I have asthma it's a double whammy. I'm actually at the point where my ribs hurt from coughing and I am struggling to breathe.

I just hope I am okay for the weekend as it's the nixhelp geekfest, and I don't want to miss out on a full weekend of drinking, geeking, drinking and taking the piss with the bunch of psychos that I spend most of my free time communicating with via IRC.

An update will no doubt follow once I've sobered up after the event, assuming I can remember anything about it.

Charles Laughton Directs.....

    The Night of the Hunter

Sunday night I went to the Filmhouse in Edinburgh with and to a special screening of The Night of the Hunter.

I have always though that this was one of the best films I've ever seen and so finding that almost all of the original film rushes and out-takes still survived intrigued me. Added to this the fact that the director, Charles Laughton, kept the camera running between takes giving the opportunity to see how he interacted with his actors meant that I was eager to see the film, the rushes and hear the talk that was given.

In the past when I have been to other special screenings of this type, it has usually been someone giving a talk about the film whilst showing various clips to illustrate the points being made, followed by a showing of the film in question. In this case the showing was, in the words of Robert Gitt (the presenter) "the film with narration". Gitt commenced his talk by briefly going over the career of Charles Laughton, who was well know as an actor in films such as "Mutiny on the Bounty" (1935 - opposite Clark Gable as Fletcher Christian); "The Private Life of Henry VIII (1933) and, perhaps my favorite, David Lean's wonderfully executed "Hobsons Choice" (1953). Our lecturer for the evening then told of the history of the cuttings collection, and described what we were going to see, this being the film made up from the best bits of the rushes and out-takes. At this point he started the film.

From here on in, we had the film almost in its entirety, starting from the original idea to make a film of Davis Grubb's novel of the same name, through to the appalling marketing of the film studio. As each new person was added to the project a short biography was given which also explained how they gained their part in the film project. Laughton, who in his best roles tended to play overbearing tyrants, was surprising by the way be elicited performances from his actors in particular the two children, 12 year-old Billy Chapin as John and Sally Jane Bruce who, at 5½ years, was an absolute star as Pearl. Laughtons technique of keeping the camera running between takes allowed us to see the way he explained what he wanted and then gently coaxed the performance out of them. Sally, even for a young child was so professional, to the point that in some scenes she was rebuking Robert Mitchum (already a Hollywood star) for forgetting his lines.

There was only one scene where Laughton appeared to be a tyrant as a director and this was with Shelly Winters, though the question was raised did he shout at her because he was really angry, or was it an act on his part to make her feel as humiliated as the character she was portraying? Based on the other interactions with his actors I would say it was the latter.

Altogether I found it a most entertaining and enlightening evening, and I would certainly recommend that if you ever get the chance to see this film by the UCLA Film Archive take it as you will not be disappointed. Though as the very least you should see the film as released.

Patricia Winmill - 14/03/1945 - 01/06/2003

As those who read my journal will know I have been agonising over what I should be doing during my mother's illness from cancer. Her suffering is now over. She died peacefully at St Gemma's Hospice in Leeds at 23:25 on Sunday evening. She fought the "nasty little bugger" to the end, but in her final moments she must have realised that this was one battle she couldn't win and gave up the fight. I was with her round the clock from the very early hours of Saturday. Although she couldn't speak much - the drugs were making her sleepy - she was aware of her surroundings and if she felt that we were talking over her she let it be known with frowns and other gestures.

There are a few members of the live-journal community that knew her and they will know what a huge personality she had. Her passing will leave a huge gap in many people's lives and the one thing I am finding from talking to her friends is that those who knew her loved her.

I'm sorry that I couldn't be with her more during the final months of her life and that I wasn't there will be a burden I shall carry for many years, but in the end we were able to communicate and I was able to say my goodbyes. She died knowing how much both I and my partner, Paul, loved her, and that we will always miss her.

Funeral arrangements are being put into place for the morning of Tuesday, 10/06/2003. The family in general and myself in particular would ask that friends who wish to pay tribute do so by making a donation to St Gemma's Hospice in Leeds, whose care and compassion for both patients and relatives was wonderful.

Sometimes I feel like a motherless child...

        ...a long ways from home.

Well in the end the decision was taken out of my hands. My aunt called the doctor and by the time he called around to the house to check on my mum he'd already got the surgery staff to make arrangements for my mother to be admitted to a hospice. My aunt called me this afternoon to let me know what has been arranged. I told her that I knew that I was being lied to about how ill mum was and that in reality I didn't think mum would live to see next Christmas. My aunt just said "don't leave it till Christmas to visit, in fact, make it sooner than later". I think this is it. I'm at the point now where I'm going to dread answering the phone, or reading email or anything because it's not going to be long before I get the call to give me "the news".

Knowing this is really weird. On the one hand I am swinging from wailing in complete despair, to screaming with rage. And on the other there is a kind of resigned calm. There is nothing I can do, so I'm just waiting for the end in the same way I suppose you would wait on a runaway train heading for the precipice. Things happen and suddenly you realise that you are only a puppet with some demonic god(dess) of fate pulling on the strings, laughing as you try to make sense of things.

Either that or the matrix is real and Agent Smith has it in for all of us.

Oh God!

Today has been an up and down day!

Firstly I just discovered that it is more expensive to go to Leicester than it is to go to London from Edinburgh. The train fair is dearer that the air fare but because I don't have a current passport flying is out.

Got home just in time to have a visit from a random computer genius, so set up the downloads he wanted and went to the corner for pizza. Arrived back to receive phone call from my aunt. My mother is very ill. She is apparently getting confused to the point that she can't look after herself properly, and isn't taking her meds properly. My aunt said that they are not sure if it's the meds that are confusing her or whether it's an effect of the cancer (i.e. is there a secondary tumour on her brain?) It doesn't help that my step-father has Alzheimer's and so cannot look after her - in reality he can't even look after himself properly any more. Unfortunately it seems that my mum is no longer in a position to be able to look after herself either, let alone look after my step-father.

There is going to be a big family conference to decide what needs to be done and it appears that my aunt is favouring a nursing home, because as she said they both do need nursing care, not just family members keeping an eye on them. I really don't want to do this though. I feel as though I should be the one looking after them but as my aunt says I am not a qualified nurse, I can't make decisions about their meds, or provide the level of care they need no matter how willing, so I feel like I'm just ending up as one of those absent kids who put their parents in a home because it's just too much of a hassle to look after them. I really don't know what to do because it feels as though what ever happens I will be wrong.

So maybe I should just put on a brave face and take all the criticism and judgment from the know-alls.

Time for hard truths

I have been (wrongly I might add) accused of adding "nasty comments" to She Who Shall Remain Nameless' web blog. When I ran into her partner at the pub I was accused of getting my friends to send the messages on my behalf (and before he tries to deny that, it was commented upon by several of the people who were listening to the exchange).

I am getting sick to death of the lies that are emanating from that place.

And of course, now despite all the insults, lies and slanders that SWSRN has thrown at me (as well as at several other people) I apparently owe her an apology. Presumably that is because I am (a) still breathing and (b) not bowing down and worshiping the ground that she walks on. I could probably think of several other things that the self indulgant wannabe princess will say I need to apologise to her over, but as you may have gathered I am not in the business of rolling over and pandering to peoples hyper-inflated egos unless they pay me a healthy salary to do so, and even then I'm likely to take the piss.

This latest campaign seems to be SWSRN attempting to divert attension away from the fact that through her own rudeness she has upset a lot of people, and rather than do the honorable thing and apologise is trying to turn the very people who she has insulted into the people who are preying on her.

Well hello honey, welcome to the real world. Be rude to people and they get upset with you, try and turn it around so that you're the injured party and people think you are a nutter. Especially, when you go around accusing everyone who has ever upset you of being a dangerous looney, and at last count there were about half a dozen people she was calling dangerous looneys - that may have increased by now, though I wouldn't know because I'm not talking to her, and if I didn't have to keep fending off the latest accusation I don't think I would even acknowledge her existance. I don't take these accusations of hers that people are loony seriously, I mean in the normal course of daily life there are only so many dangerous maniacs that you are going to run into, unless that is, you work in a Psychiatic Unit, but she doesn't so, to be quite frank, she's over her quota.

So what to do?

Pooh!

Well I have just looked at the bills that have come in the post and I am seriously wondering how I am going to survive in Edinburgh without a job. At the moment I am being a drain on my partner's funds, in that whilst I'm not working I don't have enough coming in to pay the bills and he is subsidising me. It isn't cheap running two properties, two sets of electricity bills, phone bills, etc, so that by moving back to Manchester we would be saving nearly a thousand pounds a month.

Not withstanding the fact that my partner and I have been living apart for almost three years, which now getting to the point where it is a strain to be together because we have forgotten what it is like to be a couple.

And then of course I would be close to my mother who has lung cancer and is more ill than she lets on.

However, there is an equally compelling downside to moving back south. Firstly Manchester is a dump, it has odd highlights, but on the whole it could only be improved by the judicious use of a small thermonuclear device. Then I have a social life here with lots of great people that I meet at the Holyrood etc, which I wouldn't like to lose.

Finally there is the matter of timing. If I move back south now it gives a certain person an excuse to say that she has driven me away, and that she was right all along, and that I am an evil nasty bitch that no one in their right mind should speak to. but coming from a woman who is behaving like a five year old and who thinks that she owns the lives of all those that come into contact with her. Maybe if she got a job and stopped freeloading off others she'd get a sense of proportion

Oh I say!

State Troopers and Texas Rangers have been put on alert to find and detain 59 Texan Democrats, who staged a walkout from the state legislature on Monday. It was a move that came too late as the missing lawmakers were already over the border staying at a hotel in Ardmore, Oklahoma, where they plan to stay until the deadline for first passage of bills had passed.

And it's all over redistricting.

Apparently the Republicans won a majority in the Texas legislature and now want to redistrict in such a way that they will gain 5 extra seats. This despite the Texan redistricting should have happened two years ago but as a result of political shenanigans was put into the hands of the Courts. The newly elected Republican's, at the behest of their leaders in Washington, feel that the even handed approach of the Courts is not to be trusted and so their version (giving them the extra seats) is much more favourable and fair. Can you spell gerrimandered?

The down side of this is that several other important bills will also be scuppered by the walkout.

However, I can see the point of the Democrats actions. Within the package there are a number of bills that are aimed at giving extra benefits to the haves whilst reducing the benfits to the have-nots. (The Republicans want to push through a budget that will slash public spending but not raise taxes, and also another bill to put limits on lawsuits). The Republicans have acquired a huge majority, much like the one the Tories under Thatcher had, and are using that to force through legislation, much like the Tories did under... well you get the picture. The only way the Democrates have of stopping unpleasant legislation is to stop the House being quorate and this they are doing very effectively. That the leader of he House has ordered the law enforcment agencies to find and arrest these objectors raises serious concerns over the future of democracy in Texas.

Read more about this here and here and here and on many other sites listed at Google

The Email Saga Continues

Apparently it isn't my configuration that is wrong (well it is, but that isn't what is causing the problem). It appears that Blueyonder are at it again. Some spammer is sending a "dictionary attack" and has overloaded the mail servers. It would be funny if it wasn't for the fact that this happened to Blueyonder last year and they don't seem to have learned any lessons from it. Meanwhile all the email I thought had been eaten is slowly filtering into my inbox including the test emails one of my fellow IRC-ers send on Saturday night.

Technology, don't you just love it.

Bl***y Computers

If any one is thinking of emailing me - don't. Something in my configuration has gone splat and fetchmail is pulling in my emails but they are not getting to my inbox. I haven't a clue as to where they are going but looking at the archives on the mailing lists I subscribe to I reckon that I'm missing over 500 emails from the last two days alone. Personally I blame the friend who originally set my mail configuration, and as it's done in a such a weird and wooly manner there is no one on any of the help forums that can tell me how to fix the problem.

It looks as though I am going to have to wait until the next time there is an ObT around and see if he will set my mail system up into something usable.

Oh-Oh

Well that's been an interesting day, and it isn't over yet. Apparently She Who Shall Remain Nameless is upset that another candidate for the current Scottish election appointed me as a Polling Agent. I like being a Polling Agent, it means I get to go to any Polling place in the district and harass the Election staff on the excuse that I am observing that the election is being administed fairly and in accordance with the Representation of the People Act. It also means I get to go to the Count.

Now I let slip to She Who Shall Remain Nameless's other half, at which point he decided that the other candidate was a "fuckwit" because this will upset SWSRN. Furthermore, today either SWSRN or her other half (not sure which - I'll need to clarify that) rang the Candidate who I an Polling Agent for and lambasted him for allowing me to attend the Count. Apparently I'm a lunatic who is going out of my way to go to places so that SWSRN cannot go.

Now as I read that, it means that I am not allowed to speak with anyone, or go to any public house, or any cinema, theatre or book event, or set foot outside of my flat because she might just want to go to the same thing and if I'm there SWSRN cannot possibly attend, and I have to live my life in such a way that I cannot cause any offence of upset to her. Yeah right!

This is the woman who thinks that insulting people is funny, and when you tell her it isn't gives you a mouthful of abuse. This is the woman who has never had a proper job in her life and so can't comprehend why those who do would really like to keep them. This is the woman who allegedly cannot lie but is regularly caught out in some enormous whoppers.

So do I become a nun and avoid all social content to keep her happy, or do I give her a big up yours?

Phew!

I think my stalker might have seen that he isn't having any effect on me. Somebody who I don't even know said that he actually sounded like an obsessed nutter and following that he has removed all the offensive material that was posted on Live Journal. On the advise of the abuse team I did however, save the journal, so that I still have evidence for any impending legal actions. I still, of course, have all the email logs, that prove beyond doubt that my unknown hero is in fact right, and I have to thank all the people who emailed, phoned or called around to offer support. The stalker tried to put himself in the position of being the vicitm, yet he was the one who was going out of his way to harass me. I have had to have my phone calls on both my land line and mobile screened, my email account set to reject mail from this person, I had to ban him from commenting on my live journal, and set anonymous comments to screened, and with each block I put in place he tried to find away around it. Does that actually make him sound like the victim? No I didn't think so. Unfortunately I find that I am not the only person who has suffered at his hands. There are a couple of people who are so traumatised by my stalker that they are genuinely afraid at the mere mention of his name. For them I am pleased that I made a stand. This guy's name is now lodged with the Police, and investigations are continuing. Even if he only gets a slap on the wrist this time, it means that the next person he tries this on will have more protection and so on down the line. I have suffered the emotional trauma of a paranoid obsessive trying to turn me into some sort of a monster, but I have refused to lie down and let him demonise me.

And finally, I would once again like to thank my unknown hero, who I don't think knows quite how much he has helped me, and all those who did support me.

OOPS!!!!

I should have done this update last night but I was going through final arrangements for next week with a friend.

Going to see Metropolis tonight at the Filmhouse with Andrew and Lorna. Meeting at the Starbucks opposite the old ABC on Lothian Road at 5:15 pm. Any of the usual K Jackson's crowd and anyone else who knows us are all welcome to come and join in.

Happiness is...

Sitting on your own, listening to calming music, with a large tub of Haagen Dazs Toffee Creme. Okay I might only have a few spoonfuls but there is no one here to demand their share.

Bliss...

I had a really good relaxing night tonight. Went around to Claudio's to have the latest lesson in cooking Italian food. Today's lesson: pizza and antipasto. Aubergine slices roasted in olive oil and served with a spicy dip, a simple pizza margherita and an aubergine and mushroom pizza (well it was a big aubergine). I had always thought that pizza dough was really hard to make but it is so simple, easier than ordinary bread. And homemade is always scrummier than shop bought.

Yummy!

Favorite restaurant is open again after major refurbishment works. It's absolutely fab. The area that used to be smoking is now non-smoking, they've added an extension at the back that is now the smoking area and there is a huge new "Party Room". There's a new menu too, with lots of yummy additions, (polenta, spagetti served with mixed veg). I need to check my bank balance because I can't wait to be testing all the new things.

UPDATE: Wednesday 16 April 2003

Oh it has been so busy around here what with one thing and another, that I have only just had time to sit down to thing about the things that happened on the Wednesday bash. Got to the Tav late because I was rebuilding part of the network, cables everywhere. I really need to get some truncking and run the cat 5 under the floorboards. As ordered by I wore the lycra top of impossible cleavage (that was one of my best buys in Gap, it's only lycra but it gives the same support as a loose fitting ribbon corset). There was the point when we tried the Mexican boob jiggle, though being the Tav no one batted an eyelid. Sarah introduced me to a friend of hers (sorry can't remember your name) who is looking to get her first corset and didn't know what she wanted, so that set up a discussion that seemed to take in half the women in the place as well as a couple of the men.

Some of the writers were in the pub so as things started quieten down just before closing, I sank into the sofa but as they were discussing the planning for a forthcoming event I ended up talking with and a couple of people he was with about value of culture, of life and the media perception of it's value. Said cheerio to them at closing time and went with the writers on to Favorit. Nice cafe bar open till 3am with great food. Finally got kicked out of there at 3:30 (we think the staff wanted to lock up) and headed home, sun was already up before I finally got to bed and so I'm now completely out of sync wanting to sleep during the day and party at night. Ho hum!

Oh-Oh

It would appear that my stalker is now enlisting the help of others to attack me. A poor wee innocent thing by all accounts. Well I don't doubt that. I wonder if she is aware that her "hero" wanted me to try to get in with her so that I could report back. Yes. He was pushing me to be her best buddy so I could let him have all the juicy gossip about her, including who was her boyfriend because at the time she wasn't telling, and is she was sleeping with anyone else. She also better beware, because it was only 12 months ago he was declaring how I was his "Chosen One", so when she gets fed up of his demands on her time she will have to suffer the same barrage I'm getting now.

Stalker Alert

It's official, I have a stalker. There is now a police incident about this person. Whilst I didn't want to put anything that would identify him in my journal and I have been very careful not to name him I find that I am now forced to do so. I have used all avenues to try to stop him from contacting me. I have made a call to the abuseteam of my phone company who are going to work with the police. I have blocked his login from commenting on my journal, I have all anonymous messages screened, though I was going to have all comments blocked, but this might be counter productive. I have logged an abuse call with the LJ abuse team and basically I am doing everything I can to get it across to this person that he (a) isn't frightening me (whilst really he is) and (b) I don't give a rat's arse about the lies and crap that he is spouting. I have email logs which I will make freely available to any of my friends who ask that actually prove beyond any doubt that this guy is talking out of his arse. Whilst I do not want anyone to take sides in this, I think that the various abuse teams, police and myself can handle this adequately, I feel that it is only fair to warn everyone who has me listed as a friend that this person may start to use your comment space to gain access to me. If this happens I would ask that if you have email logging on that you forward a copy of the email on to me at rathgild (@) blueyonder dot co dot uk so that I can add it to the pile of other stuff that I have retrieved from my backups, in relation to this guy. If you don't want to pass them to me there is an incident report at Lothian and Borders Police I expect that you will be able to pass it directly to them quoting incident number 545 17/4/2003.

And now for the bit that I find really hard the naming of the culprit. The journal that he created purely to harass me is [deleted]. He had gone out of his way to pay for an account here and his only postings are as I said a pile of delusional witterings, and I repeat anyone who wishes to compare what he is saying in that account with real events can upon request to have a copy of the email back up.

Tip of the Day!

For all you out there in blogland who wear contact lenses please heed the following advise.

First put your lenses in, then brush your teeth.

Even washing your hands after brushing teeth still leaves faint traces of toothpaste on your fingers which gives your eyes that zingy, minty, wide awake sensation, which is kind of weird.

That was a public service announcement.

Oh that was so funny!

Stalker has removed the postings. However he seems to have forgotten that some people save webpages to their hard drive, so that they can be posted as attachments to abuse reports. Duh!

Like I said before though it is all lies that are easily refuted, so anyone who knows me, (that's the Tav crowd, the KJ lot, the swimmers, the corsetiers, and sundry other reprobates) are more than welcome to come around and read the emails from said stalker direct from the mail server. Hey that's it! Why don't we have a party, and we can sit around getting drunk and pissing ourselves laughing at the emails where he is saying all the things he is trying to claim I said. I nearly fell off my chair when he said I was only making accusations based on collusion with an ex-friend of mine who is also an enemy of his. No I got no info from that source, but there are, of course, the hundreds of other people that he has pulled the same crap on who are all only too pleased to dish a bit of dirt back.

Some saddo out there in internet land thinks that he can frighten me by using lies and threats to intimidate me. Fortunately for me I have email logs that prove that what he is saying is complete b****x so I couldn't give a rats arse about his opinion. However, his ISP seem to be interested and so do the police.

Oh Boy

It seems that a certain person of my acquaintance has thrown another wobbly. God knows what is going on in his mind, but apparently I am threatening him (whereas the opposite is the case). Last time this happened my ISP were reporting him to the police as a potential stalker who would pose a physical threat to me (and having gone back through the email logs I can see why). This time it's because I made a comment that it would have been nice to see him up but I realised that I wasn't friend enough to warrant his travelling half way across the country, to which he responded with a barrage of abuse. I think this guy is sick. For example: he threatens me then accuses me of threatening him. He can not or will not take responsibility for his own actions and always projects his unacceptable behaviour onto someone else and plays at being the innocent victim/bystander. It's very tiring dealing with him because just to say hello you have to consider how many ways that can be taken as an insult, attack, accusation or threat. I find it hard to outright condemn him because over the time I have known this person it is clear that there is something weird going on that drives him and I really wish he would get help, because he has the potential to be a great guy.

But it is my own fault, half the world and his dog warned me away from him, all saying that he is a womaniser, bully, fantasist, etc and I didn't listen, not even to the people who said that he was a downright psycho and I should watch my back because "you never know what harm he could do me". I'm just glad that I have plenty of friends who know of him and know what he is like who will watch my back.

Meanwhile I worry about anyone else who has got mixed up with him that doesn't have this support network, because who knows what might happen.

Ho Hum!

It would appear that she who shall not be named (because I'm one of the mad people attacking her) has finally got herself into a position were lots of people are likely to stop talking to her. It would apear that the rude and thoughtless comment she made under the pretence that it was a joke is likely to lose someone their job. If this does happen she will suddenly find herself unwelcome in a lot of places.

I've had enough!

I am retreating into the examination room to wash my hair and get ready for my leaving do tonight. having been somewhat crafty I have tied this in with my normal Thursday night drinking session, so if anyone who knows me is remotely interested I'll be in K Jacksons from about 8pm onwards.

Bloody computers

I have three computers that are working after a fashion and nowhere to put them. That will be fixed shortly as I have acquired a desk from work that was going to be put into a skip. It was deemed as being too small to work on, so was replaced by a huge thing that has half an acre of working area. However, as my flat is tiny, a small desk is perfect.

Meanwhile....

At work I have about half a day's work to do and the best part of a day and a half to do it but the iMac has decided to play silly sods and keeps crashing. I open a browser... crash. I open my email... crash. I sneeze too loudly... crash. I think it knows that I am leaving and has decided to go on strike. Not that I actually care a flying fart. I can't remember the last time I was so looking forward to unemployment. This could be something to do with the way the boss has gone off on annual leave without even bothering to say cheerio, or thanks for all your work, or anything. Or it might be the way that I have been given the shittiest jobs to do (like the ones that you'd be embarrassed to ask the office junior to do as a favour) and has had life and death importance put upon them. I've worked late, I've worked weekends and all I've had in return is complaints that tasks aren't being done quickly enough. The only problem with not working is the lack of money, but if the worst came to the worst I could always move back to Manchester and become a lady of leisure, or get my other half to finance me through a degree of something. So even that isn't too bad, I suppose.

Fun with computers

Got up relatively early on Saturday. Okay so 9:45 isn't that early, but seeing as I hadn't gone to bed till about 3:30am I think I did well. A friend came around at 10:00 and we went off to Maplin's to get one of their motherboard/CPU/fan offers. We also got a case and a few other bits and pieces. Walked home with purchases, stopping off at Henderson's for lunch (giant potato, spinach and cheese croquette, with a three of the salads on the side and a nice big glass of fresh fruit smoothie to wash it down - yummm).

Arrived home inspected purchases, and took existing computers off line. Opened up the boxes to see what was where and decide what additional bits were needed (not much). Friend had some things to do at his home so we went to the cash point for more dosh, on to another computer shop for the missing bits (RAM, hard drive, ect) and we each went to our respective homes.

Friend came around later and we built the new machine, set it up to install the OS and set up my old machine so that we could transfer the data from one to the other. At that point we called it a night.

Sunday wasn't such an early start (about noon). Friend has a machine that is in a half size case and is running out of room , whereas I am going to have a firewall machine with next to nothing in a full size case, so we were going to swap them over.

Problem one

Both machines are old, but not of exactly the same vintage so whilst my stuff would happy go into his case, his wouldn't go into mine (power supply cables were different). We thought about swapping the power supplies but the switch on one wouldn't work in the other case.

Put everything back and then my power supply unit failed completely. Not a problem I have a spare. We balance the spare PSU on the case and wired it up, the machine booted okay. So we swapped it for the broken supply. At this point the newly installed supply decided not to work. Anyway it was Sunday, it was late, and I had work today so we left it.

I set up what was my old machine (and is now going to be a windows (games) machine) and started playing Command and Conquer to relax before bed only to discover

Problem Two

The CDROM is cutting out intermittently. It was working fine right through the first mission but then just died, causing the game and by extention the machine to crash. I rebooted and this time the CD wasn't even detected, three attempts later it recognised the CD and spat the disk out but when I closed the tray it had decided that the disk wasn't there again.

The result is that I now have three machines that are currently about as much use as door stops and no time till next weekend to get things up and running. It seems that whoever said that computers were going to make life easier was lying.

Ha!

Last night I went to the pub. She who is trying to make out that she is being maligned behaved as though my being there had spoilt her whole night. Went to the pub tonight she stood on her own at the bar having done a u-turn upon seeing me. Do I look like someone who cares? Yeah your right.

It's getting to the point where she is looking like a complete prat, and people are actually noticing this and commenting that she is behaving like a five year old. And I just sit there and smile and ignore her. You see I have learned that I can hold my own with people, I don't need to make other people look small to make myself look big. I grant that I have a nasty temper that wise people do not get on the wrong side of. More importantly, I've decided that I am going to have a social life and if some psychotic attention seeker wants to fantasize about my being a threat to them then okay. If they want to lie about me - fine. I know the truth, the people that know me know the truth, and it isn't actually hurting me. The person who is behaving like a brain dead twat is on the other hand starting to get bad press as people notice the stupidity. Lets face it, if you insist on being the center of attention when you're actually a complete bore, people tend to be glad to see the back of you.

I knew it!

Got the letter telling me that I hadn't got the job I was interviewed for.

Shall I just slit my wrists now and be done with it?

Poo!

Got a letter from the University today. I had a feeling that it was a rejection letter, so took a couple of deep breaths prior to opening it, and guess what, it was. However, it was telling me that I hadn't been invited for interview for one of the posts I'd applied for, which is good news I suppose, though I'm still waiting for news of the job I was interviewed for. I'm not holding my breath though.

Not a great deal I can say. Great march, excellent turnout (though the police estimated down the numbers - again). Noticed that Plod thought that the American Express shop and the McDonald's next door to it needed special protection (????). Met lots of people I knew, made some new contacts. Generally had a good time, whilst letting it be known that I oppose the illegal and immoral actions that Blair is forcing upon our troops. The biggest surprise was as we were going up Lothian Road, a group went through the barriers and totally blockaded the road. Unfortunately by the time I was at the spot Plod was stopping more people joining and so after a bit of deliberation most of the people at the back of the march carried on toward the Meadows. The march was really spread out at this point. A couple of the drivers stuck in the traffic were sounding their car horns and giving us the thumbs up. Many more were waving and giving the thumbs up sign. A group of young people on a bus started cheering and chanting. I suddenly realised that whilst the govt are busy saying that the protesters are a vocal minority, there are many more people out there who are against this madness that just don't want to get involved with the marches. I can understand it to a point.

These anti-war demo's, like all others end up being hijacked by other groups who want to make their cause visible, so there are the inevitable speeches that are nothing to do with the issue we were protesting. But, hey, that's all part of the fun, though I do wish that the organisers would realise how it alienates people.

Walked home, stopping off at Waterstones where I spent too much money (I know, it's traditional), but the end result was that I was in bed reading till about 5 am (Fatherland - Robert Harris been promising myself that I would read that for at least the last five years) and so didn't get out of bed till past noon. Of course, that has lead to the usual tired clumsiness, so I now have a wound on the back of my ankle that is gushing blood, and a laminate wooden floor that is going to need a going over with the mop. Hope it heals for the next march.

After complaining of the massacre in Iraq whilst waiting for my curry at the local carry out, (exactly what is the military significance of a museum dedicated to the life of a country's leader), I was surprised to be given a gift of The Quran by one of the members of staff. I thanked him politely, and left without knowing what else to say. No hard sell "this is the only true religion" stuff that you get from the likes of the Jehovah's Witnesses,etc. Just the simple words "Please accept this as a gift from me to you".

Strangely touching.

WOW!

Having been up most of the night being mostly shocked by the news footage of Baghdad being blanket bombed, I slept in and missed the beginning of the anti-war march. Got into town and managed to duck in as it was crossing the top of Leith Street. Met a few new people and had some nice chats about various issues, made a few new contacts. There was apparently a scuffle somewhere at the back of the march and a few people were arrested, though the reports from many witnesses were that the people arrested were doing nothing and that the police were heavy handed using batons. A police officer who spoke to the crowd said that the arrests were for minor incidents and that the people would be processed and released shortly. However, by the time we had heard all the speakers no one had been released to it was decided that we would all move on and block the junction of Princes Street, Lothian Road, Shandwick Place. That turned into an open mike and a bit of a party. Met up with and and had an interesting discussion and planning session for next weekends protest.

Crowd then all moved on to St Leonard Police Station to demand the release of the arrested people.
Police tried to keep stopping the march at various junctions and to direct the route of the march but the marchers were having none of that. The police horses were great. They went virtually all the way over the bridges backwards and horses do not normally like doing that. Anyway we finally got to the police station, the crowd settled down for a long wait and the banter began.

An example:

Protester 1: I want to see Inspector Rebus
Protester 2: Is he the Rankin officer? [1]

After a while as it was getting dark and I hadn't eaten much, I decided that home would be a good idea. And now I am waiting with a mixture of excitement and dread over the action that I have volunteered myself for next week because when I told my mother I was protesting, she told me not to get myself arrested. Of course, she did then tell me not to go hitting any more policemen, so I suppose that she thinks hitting policewomen will be fine. Well okay maybe not.

[1] For those who don't know Inspector Rebus is the central character in a series of crime novels by Ian Rankin. They are set in Edinburgh and have Rebus based at St Leonards Police Station.

Anti-War Protests

I was just sent a post on a mailing list about a feminist protest plan. Full details follow, though it's not one for the narrow-minded.

Tampons for Peace

Against the war in Iraq? SEND BUSH A TAMPON!

From March 15th to April 1st, people all over the country are going to send President Bush a tampon that has been dyed red (with marker, paint, food coloring, anything but actual blood--that would be a biohazard...) along with the message:

"YOU WANT BLOOD?

HAVE SOME BLOOD.

FEMINISTS AGAINST THE WAR.

~
By sending these tampons we are saying that just as we won't be silent about our bodies, we won't be silent about our opposition to this war. Silence is compliance. Silence is undemocratic. We make a connection between blood shed for life and the blood our supposed enemies shed in death. We say not by our blood, not in the name of the American people."

Get your friends together for a tampon staining party--it'll be fun *and* productive! Try to mail your tampons in the second half of March (the earlier the better, but any time is okay) to The White House / 1600 Pennsylvania Ave NW / Wash, DC 20500.

That way President Bush can absorb the heavy flow of anti-war sentiment!

I thought it might be fun to do something similar, but then I remembered that the Government charge VAT on "women's hygiene products" so they still be making revenue out of the protest.

Could still be worth it though.

Dammit. I'd forgotten how much fun civil disobedience can be

Ahem!

Arrived late yesterday evening for what turned out to be a very enjoyable anti-war march. Met lots of new people, got hugs and email addresses from people I've never met before and have generally started networking. Was pointedly ignored by the person who I've had the altercation with. Notice that I was blocked from accessing their LJ, and the rumour mill is that there were nasty and potentially untrue comments made. Of course, because I wasn't able to see them and the rumour mill suggested that these entries have now been deleted, I can't comment on what I was told they said. I'm just left thinking that it's bloody typical of this person. Always been known as an attention seeking backstabber.

And so It begins...

The deadline has passed and now there is the uneasy calm waiting for the first bombs to start dropping on Baghdad, and the woman giving the weather forecast is prattling on about having nice enough weather to sit out in the garden over the weekend. I am screaming at the screen to shut up and doesn't she know that hundreds, possibly thousands of people will be dead by then. There is a world wide alert of possible terrorist attacks against British citizens. And I feel guilty, that there is something I could have done to stop this. I know it's a stupid sentiment, I've done what I can. I've lobbied my MP and given praise when he voted against the government, I've bunked off work to go on marches, I've been on the candlelit vigil and signed on-line petitions, but it hasn't been enough.

It's depressing.

An interesting and strangely appropriate quotation

I'm on quite a few mailing lists and today from one list (KabbalahConcepts) I received a post as follows:

"Hate to hurt.....

Conquer the will to kill.....

Revenge is wrong.....

Be fearful of being brutal.....

Force ferocity to be subdued.....

Cruelty is something we recognize so easily as a physical activity,
yet find so hard to identify in its finer but no less dangerous forms.
It is essentially a misuse of power by a strong entity toward a weaker
one on the same plane of action.....

Cruelty is only possible as a calculated discharge of destructive
energy directed at feebler creatures unlikely to retaliate
effectively.....

The motivation of cruelty is commonly again the artificial
ego-enlargement resultant from its practice.....

If we can make others frightened of us we seem larger by comparison to
their shrinking. That is the secret of cruelty. A false sense of boost
because of aggressive action which appears to avoid injurious
reprisals. To hurt and kill some helpless and defenseless creature
makes cruel people feel enormously powerful by contrast.....

Nobody hates being hurt more than those who hurt with hate.....

Let those who think they could not be cruel examine what conscience
they have within their own life-frameworks."

- William G. Gray (The Tree of Evil)


I was struck by how much this sums up my feelings. Bush is a bully, his country has been hurt and humiliated and as a bully he cannot accept this. His abhorrence of his country being hurt goes so far as to be hatred. It is this hatred that is in turn turned outward to other counties. 9/11 made him turn to the Taliban in Afghanistan, and so the might of the US military bombed the people a bit further into the stone-age that had been caused by years of conflict with the Soviet Union and subsequent neglect under the Talibs. Having seen the Afghan regime crumble under the weight of US munitions, Bush looked around at who else he could bully, and there was Iraq. I expect in Bush's mind Saddam had humiliated his daddy, and so the hatred grew and with the puffed up chest of a bully who has won one playground battle, he starts his next campaign. And so Iraq will be destroyed.

Which leaves one question.

Who will be next?

It won't be the UK as Tony Blair is following along like the smarmy little kid who held the bully's coat while the schoolyard beatings took place, giving the sly kick now and again to ingratiate himself further with his master. But just like in the playground, when this current war is over everyone will be looking over their shoulders, because to a cruel bully on a winning streak everyone is a target.

Many thanks to Jacobus Swart for allowing me to use his post

United States of Terrorists

I said some time ago that it was the USA and UK govts that were the real terrorists in this soon to be fought war. So it is with mixed feelings that I point you to this link about the proposed campaign plan from the US military. Why do I feel like this is just a bad dream and if only I could wake up everything would be okay?

139 Labour MP's rebel against the Govt

The full list of MP's who voted against the Govt in the war vote last night are listed on the BBC's website.

It's surprising the number of big names that are on there, like Diane Abbot, Tony Banks and Robin Cook. There are also a couple of names I wouldn't have expected to see. I worked with the Labour Party in Leeds many years ago and some of the MP's from that area I know from when they were City and Met County Councillors (that kind of dates it - Thatcher abolished the Met Counties with the GLC, but I digress). Whilst some like John Battle have disappointed me over the past few years with the way they seemed to have forgotten what Labour principles were about, others have lived up to their past image of being little more that political up-suckers, changing their stance to whatever is likely to get another rung higher on the political ladder.

Well I have been surprised. I have to take back my bad mouthing about John Battle, he showed that he has maintained some integrity after all. Most surprising was Jon "How can I turn this to my advantage" Trickett. This is a man who would made the stereotypical used car salesmen look honest and respectable. I'd never have expected him to rebel against the govt in a million years, cash in on the misfortunes of those who get sidelined by rebelling yes, but to see his name in the list of rebels - well I nearly fell off my chair.

I also noticed that Claire Short's name was conspicuous by it's absence from the list. I think she should have resigned when she threatened to, because now she is a political laughing stock and no one will take her seriously. Damn and I was hoping that she would make a challenge for the party leadership. Shows how wrong I was.

Somebody clearly doesn't like the truth to be told. I'm suddenly barred from their LJ so that they can bitch behind my back. Just that persons style.Whereas if I have a bitch it's in public for all to see. Hey I might just really set the cat amongst the pidgeons and let the whole world know the sordid little secrets.

Okay so it's sinking down to that person's lack of morals, but hey I have nothing to loose, whereas they...

Oh Gawd please no!

I appears my feeling grot is nothing to do with the beer. I'm been progressively turning down the brightness of my iMac's screen till it's now as low as it goes yet it is still too bright. I can't deal with noise, and now I'm starting to see blotches of light that are blinding me.

Yikes it looks like it's a migrane

WTF?

Candlelit Vigil was cool, met up with some folks from work, and later with Steve. Went to the pub for food and beer. I only had two pints of Stella yet this morning I have a headache that would imply I'd drunk a hell of a lot more. It seems that suddenly I can't hold my beer. This is not good.

Apparently, the person that I've fallen out with is unsocialised and a bad liar. Yes, this person took the old tale that lying is bad to the point were they think that even the "diplomatic white lies" are a sign of hypocracy.

Yes?? Then why is it that I have caught this person out in some real whoppers, and a discussion tonight has revealed that other people have caught the person out in equally big porkies too. Including the one where said person was telling everyone that the live in partner knew all about the affaires and didn't mind, when of course the opposite was true. Hell, I even provided alibis at one point and after the partner threw a wobbly over one "fling" I had to have the "lover" staying with me. I could cite more.

But tell me is this the behaviour of someone who is so taken with the idea that lying is bad that they cannot lie at all?

Nah, didn't think so.

Oh Deity

In the backlash of a home truths saga, I've just hit out at a friend. Not a really good close friend but someone who is getting there (it takes a long time for me to consider anyone trustworthy enough to make the transistion from acquaintance to friend and it's even harder for friend's to make it up to "good" or "best" friend - I suppose that comes from having so called friends doing the dirty too many times in the past.) Anyway, this friend seems to be trying to get me to be friends with another of his friends, whereas my gut instincts are that I don't want this other person knowing I exist much less getting to know them, and it seems to have hit a raw nerve or something. To cut a long (and personal) story short, I ended up bursting into tears and screaching down the phone like some demented banshee about how crap my life is and how I wish I was dead, and other things. And now I think I have totally scared the poor guy off because, lets face it, who in their right mind is going to invest time in showing that they are trustworthy to a hysterical woman, just you can say that she's a mate.

So now I really, really wish I were dead

French Miltary Victories

I've just been on the phone to my long suffering other half, who has been told of "The Whole Sorry Affair" or at least the bits that concern me. Of course this turned out to be a very long phone call with emails being read to him in their entirety. His opinion is that I have every right to be upset over some of the things that have been said, that the excuses that are being put forward for the other person's behaviour is a load of bullshit, that I am right in thinking that said other person is playing for sympathy and is generally being selfish, arrogant and rude, and that no I am not over-reacting.

Anyway to cheer me up he pointed me to something.

Go to Google and search for french military victories. Click on the button that says I'm feeling lucky and see what comes up.

It made me smile for all of 2 seconds, which is an achievement considering my mood.

Life? Don't talk to me about life

I wish I was anywhere other than where I am today. I wish I was anyone other than who I am. At the moment I really wish I was dead.

Planning for the future

As I sit here in my rabbit hutch of a flat, I have a sudden realisation that I need to start planning things, in relation to work, home, relationship, etc.

Everything is at a funny point. My partner is in Manchester so I don't see him as often as I would like. We have to vacate the Manchester flat by the end of this month (we've got another one close by to move into). My current job finishes on 14th April and at the moment I have nothing to go to and I'm starting to get worried about what I'll do. Of course, I have next to no social life in Edinburgh and based on happenings over the last day or so what little I have is going to tail off into absolutely nothing.

So now I am left thinking of what to do.

There are a couple of options, first of which is that I could go back to Manchester, seeing as the other half is having difficulty getting job in Edinburgh. The other is that I could struggle through unemployment getting myself into debt in the hope that a job will turn up. Whilst I don't want to go back to Manchester, it would remove the expense of running two flats and I would have the support of my partner.

Edinburgh is a nice place to live but somewhat expensive, and as I've basically just decided that I have had enough of my alleged best friend, who seems to think that being abusive is a joke, that anyone who objects has no sense of humour, and when taken to task over her abusiveness goes into a whole victim performance that is worthy of an Oscar in it's depth and scope, my social life is going from virtually non existant to completely non existant. So it might as well be non existant with people who actually treat friends as friends, not as a verbal punch bag as amusement du jour.

Of course, I could do something completely radical

Candle Light Vigils

It appears that as Bush and Blair move into the final preparations of their plan for total world domination, that there is still much life left in the peace movement.

The latest is for a candle light vigil to be held on the evening of 16th March at 7pm

MoveOn.org and the Win Without War coalition, together with Archbishop Desmond Tutu and many faith-based organizations, are calling this vigil. Beginning in New Zealand, a rolling wave of candlelight gatherings will quickly cross the globe. It's up to you to make this happen. Organizers are hoping that thousands of small groups around the world will be inspired to come together and stand for peace.

Anybody know whether this is going ahead in Edinburgh and if so where it is to be held. Princess Street Gardens would seem a good option.

Oh Joy!

University libraries are very interesting places. For example, yesterday I just checked out the following texts:

The Greek Magical Papyri in Translation and
Papyri Graecae Magicae/Der Griechischen Zauberpapyri (2 vols)

So if you want a spell for "Fever with shivering fits" I can supply it in English, Greek or German.

I used to have a life...

There are so many things that I wanted to up put in here but I haven't had the time. I think it is something to do with having to work until almost 10 pm most nights and barely getting time for lunch breaks much less a life

Couple of high and low lights are:

Last Wednesday leaving work at 10pm to be confronted by a fox in the hospital grounds. Never knew they could manage such a look of contempt, (they must be related to cats). Got cab to Holyrood Tavern got nowhere near drunk enough but still managed to crush fingers between the door and wall whilst leaving the loos. (Thanks to all who fussed and helped, it wasn't a bad injury, it just felt like it was)

Thursday: Bunked off work early (4pm) to go on the Edinburgh Anti-War demo. Heckled the pro-Palestinian speaker. After all when the Israeli government was adhereing to the peace policy, what happened? Yup, Palestinian suicide bombers attacking pizza palours crowded with teenagers, supermarkets on the main shopping day, school buses etc, etc. Of course, this is acceptable, but just let Israel increase security to try to stop the suicide bombers and they are being aggressive and breaking human rights treaties. Is it any wonder that the Israelis voted for Sharon? The people went along with the peace process because the hoped that everyone would be able to live together and not worry about their children being blow to bits, and all that happened was more of their children were being blown to bits. In all the "evil Israel" messages no-one mentions that rich arab countries actually pay large sums to the families of suicide bombers, that many of these Islamic Palestinian groups probably have stronger connections with Al-Qaeda than Iraq.

Saturday night: Stayed up to watch the motor racing. Coulthard won - poo! - as if his head isn't big enough.

It's taken a long time for me to get around to doing an update, mainly because there has been something brewing in the back of my mind that I wanted to vent about, but didn't feel comfortable venting. A week after the events I still don't feel that I can put the feeling down without upsetting people. Maybe that is part of the problem. I don't vent over little things until it reaches a point where I have to have a big blow up, and then the battle axes really start flying around, whereas last Saturday I walked out of a pub in a way that people, knowing that there was something wrong put down to my being ill. Well I was in a way as I was as depressed as hell. The whys and wherefores are not important now and the people who asked what was wrong have been given reasons. It still hasn't stopped me feeling depressed or stopped me from feeling that I want to lock myself away from the world, to the point that even the thought of updating the blog, this journal, answering emails and so on has increased my depression. I'm sick of going into work and smiling, of being nice and helpful to people. I'm sick of having to be part of the adoring masses to various people that I know. I'm fed up of being a nobody that isn't even perceived as having a worthwhile opinion about anything. I'm sick of doctors telling me to take these pretty pills that will help me pull myself together and most of all I'm sick of living a life that is increasingly becoming the extension or tool of other peoples egos.

But enough of me lets talk about you...

Thoughts about Blogs

The news that Google has bought Pyra Labs hit the Edinburgh crowd like a brick. Of course, there was much talk centred around whether this is a "good" or a "bad" thing. On the plus side it does seem to indicate that blogging is going mainstream. It is re-affirming a phenomenon that the news agencies discovered in the wake of 9/11 that when there is a major event/news story people go on-line to the extent that sites like CNN, Fox and even our own BBC couldn't cope. Much of the information I got that day came from internet sources for example various mailing lists and also from the Usenet bulletin boards. Blogs provide pretty much the same sort of coverage, being information that people have heard from various sources, together with how the event is impacting on their own personal experience. The negative side is how companies, like Google, handle the information within blogs. As a socio-historical record of how people live, work and interact in a world that is becoming increasingly driven by technological advances it is second to none. The main worry I have is that Google, being driven by shareholders and a bottom line are going to use their position as owners to data mine blogs, extracting information and demographics that are a valuable resource to market research companies. Monster have already done this using CVs lodged with various job search websites that it owns, and Yahoo keep resetting options for their users so that they can sell information gleened from user profiles to marketing companies.

The whole discussion about the function of blogs set me thinking along another line. Why do we do it? There are lots of ordinary people like myself who have blogs that are updated infrequently. Yet I would suspect that in many cases only a handful of people ever view our rants, raves and witterings, being restricted to close friends and acquaintences. Having blogs coming up on searches would increase out exposure. Or would it? For example, a friend of mine, Charlie, is a writer. What if he and I are working over a weekend fixing computer, and we both blog in detail the problem, the fix, the problem that the fix caused, the new fix etc. Whose blog will people turn to? I suspect that people would go to Charlie's blog, and the reason is simple, he is a writer, he is a computer journalist, he has a high profile. I on the other hand am an unknown who has jumped the blogging bandwagon. It wouldn't matter that in this little made up scenario my blog may be more indepth. I'm an unknown and Charlie is a name. The vast majority of bloggers are going to fall into this "we don't know you so we won't read you" category and unless we manage to produce twice as much output as the "name" bloggers, whilst consistently matching their quality of writing, the balance will always be uneven.

Will Google buying Pyra, change this state of affairs? Will anything? Does anyone care?

War with Iraq

Whilst I didn't go on the Anti-War demo I am very much against the stance that the British Govt is taking. Despite my own failing to get my arse across to Glasgow I am pleased to see that many others are not as lazy as I am and much respect to those of you who did march.

One of the things that, in my mind, stands out in the govt rhetoric is their insistance that this is part of the "War against terrorism". Now I will grant that Saddam Hussein is a nasty piece of work, but apart from his own people I haven't seen any evidence that he is doing anything in the way of openly terrorizing his neighbours and I think the way he was forcibly evicted from Kuwait put paid to any plans of expansion that he may have once had. (I could be wrong there because I am neither an expert in Middle East politics nor psychology).

However, reading the BMJ (1) I noticed a news article highlighting the release of a report (2) relating to the mental health of Iraqi children. This report is based on the the work of a humanitarian fact finding mission, that interviewed families in Iraq at the beginning of the year. The team included two child psychologists who report that:

"..the children have "a great fear" of a war that they perceive to be "hanging over their heads." Children as young as four described ideas about the horrors of war. They were fearful, anxious, and depressed about the prospects of armed conflict... Many have nightmares, and 40% do not think that life is worth living"

To me these children are being terrorized, and yes I do mean terrorized

The Oxford English Dictionary (3) give the meaning of terrorist as:

1. As a political term: a. Applied to the Jacobins and their agents and partisans in the French Revolution, esp. to those connected with the Revolutionary tribunals during the ‘Reign of Terror’. b. Any one who attempts to further his views by a system of coercive intimidation. In early use also applied spec. to members of one of the extreme revolutionary societies in Russia. The term now usually refers to a member of a clandestine or expatriate organization aiming to coerce an established government by acts of violence against it or its subjects.
2. Dyslogistically: One who entertains, professes, or tries to awaken or spread a feeling of terror or alarm; an alarmist, a scaremonger.

Now correct me if I'm wrong (and I really don't think I am) but looking at the definition at 1b, isn't this what Bush and Blair are doing to the children and people of Iraq? Further isn't the stepping up security at airports and reporting more and more about the perceived threat what Blair is trying to do to us here?

So who are the real terrorists?

REFERENCES
1. Clark. BMJ 2003;326: 356 Link to BMJ News 15th February 2003
2. Our Common Responsibility: The Impact of a New War on Iraqi Children Link to Reports at War Child Canada
3. Oxford English Dictionary On-line. Link to definition

Officially Insane?!

Surfing the web I re-found the link to the Insanity Test. Yes I know there are lots of insanity tests around but as one of my major interests is motor racing you will see why I like this one. Despite having seen it before (about 18 months ago) I still started laughing at it.

Flash Alert

I've just got Flash working on my browser (can't you tell) and I'm currently looking at lots of animations. Whilst there is a huge amount of talentless crap out there in webdom, there are also some quite clever and thoughtful pieces, a not insignificant number inspired by the 11 September terror attacks.

Some are quite poignant and others, like this short cartoon, are really quite funny.

Maybe I need to set up a Flash archive. Or better still maybe not.

One for the Sisters

I thought I had seem everything but this Flash animation takes the biscuit. I wonder if the Catholic church know about it.

The main Rubber Nun website is interesting too.

Cats Galore

I was looking to find the link to the Japanese singing kitten when I came across this. Lots of stuff about cats, though many of the links are to Flash pages. Just wish they wouldn't describe everything as cute.

What in the world makes God Botherers believe that knocking on your door on a Sunday afternoon to discuss The Bible is going to endear them to you. I have just had the Jehovah's Witlesses around. Not the usual old woman/young woman partnership. No this time was a very nice looking young bloke (5'10", short blond hair, cute smile, aged mid 20s, I'd say) and a young asian woman (Far East, Malaysia or thereabouts, 5'5"ish, quite pretty, disarming smile).

Young Man: Good afternoon. I know this probably isn't the best time to call, but we were wondering if you had a few minutes to spare to discuss The Bible. [Short pause] We would like the opportunity to discuss why we believe that current events were predicted in The Bible.

Me: Sorry I don't wish to be exposed to your heresies [Shuts door in young man's face]

It was only later that I realised that this could have been the start of much amusement.

Damn, I've got to learn to put my brain in gear before opening my mouth.

Government Stupidity

In response to the Belgian supreme court ruling that Israeli military commanders could be prosecuted for their part in the 1982 Sabra and Chatilla massacres, the Israeli government are screaming anti-semetism and an accusation that Belgium are raising 'a "blood libel" against the Jewish people.'

The Guardian have reported the story here including a brief description of the blood libel.

He Loves Me!

I just collected the package my boyfriend sent from Manchester. Apart from the obligatory Valentine's Day card, he sent me his last Rolo.

All together now. Awwwwww.

YAY!

I found the game. I can't think why software is on the Hitler bookshelf. I'm now off to spend an enjoyable evening bankrupting capitalists, killing warmongers and smiting fundies.

Don't wait up.

A little bit of poetry for a Friday afternoon

I was going through old issues of the Lancet (like you do) and I came across this poem (again)

night-crossing

i wake to find myself
exactly halfway
between last night and
touching you.

i can tell by this uneasiness.

by the way these feverfews
have come to harm, how
the thin
velvet of their dusted
wings
weaken and fold
beneath a litany of false alarms
halfway
between burning down and coming true.

this is the season of falling satellites, the internal bleeding
of unwritten poems, forest fires for no reason
and i am waiting for news of all
of these, and cannot sleep
until you put your arms around me like a bay
and i tide in and out of you, until we run aground
and have nothing left to say.

you are listing, unsure
if it is my hand in your or yours in mine

if your pulling away will leave me falling behind.

Michael O'Reilly
Ramelton, County Donegal, Eire

(Or if you want the proper reference: O'Reilly. The Lancet 1995; 346: 1543)

My phone has been ringing like an emergency hotline tonight. Seems as though everyone and his dog wants to speak with me.

In among the calls was one from a friend in England checking I was okay because I'd been quiet, who is then telling me about his latest string of potential conquests, which left me so f****** depressed. It just highlights the difference in attitudes to men and women. This friend is only about a year younger than me and seems to be getting interested ladies left right and center. Whereas I am perceived as being over the hill and not worthy of a second glance. It's a rotten f****** double standard and it's f****** unfair. Why should an almost 40 year old woman be seen as unworthy of attention when a nearly 40 year old man is seen as highly desirable? Why the f*** should experience be a virtue for a man and yet mark a woman out as being a slut? Why don't I just blow my f****** brains out and be done with it?

Okay, okay so I don't update as regularly as I should. So what? It's my blog and I'll update when I want.

Anyway I have been frequenting different parts of the internet recently and have been introduced to a couple of tidbits, which I present here for your delight and amusement.

Firstly, thanks to a one of the geeks in a linux chat room for this. Remember folks it's a joke.

Then there the Restroom Rules as brought to my attention by Mike (thanks mate).

And finally, on a topical note a bunch of folks protesting the forthcoming war against Iraq but a banner over a billboard which I just had to laugh at.

Well that's it till next time.

I have the urge to play computer games but I don't want to reboot into windows because that might be what caused all the problems in the first place and I can't find the linux games to reload them. I want to know how it is possible to lose a set of cds in their packaging, complete with manuals in a flat that is the size of a rabbit hutch. I think one of the cthulus must have eaten them as a substitute for brains, but neither of them will admit it. I feel like I should head out to the pub for the writers workshop readings, but seeing as I have been off work sick it would be a bit of a cheek. On top of which I have to get out of bed sometime before light to get my butt across town for 8:30 in the morning. Happy, happy, joy, joy. Blarrrggghh!

Right the computer is working again, thanks to Claudio and the guys in #linux on nixhelp.org. It's actually a re-occurrence of a problem that Claudio spend two nights fixing last week so before he started spending lots more time at it again I threw the problem into the chat room. Main query that came back from the guys was "raid?". Neither Claudio or I thought that the machine was using raid but we kept the suggestion in the back of our minds as work began, partitions were checked and bad blocks marked. When the machine was rebooted, we kept a very close eye on what was being loaded, at which point curses were heard. Kernel sources were located and downloaded from disk at which point we noted that the installer claimed it was reconfiguring something. Looks were exchanged and a decision to have a close look at what the kernel was doing was made. The distro insists that my AMD K6 desktop machine is a 586 family processor running on a Toshiba laptop as well as other stupid stuff including what appeared to be two different raid controllers, so a swift reconfiguration and recompile later we think that we may have the problem solved. Touch wood.

ARRGHH!

Just got up after a fitful night of pained sleeplessness to discover that one of the computers has crashed big time. Won't boot at all. I think I need the services of an Italian friend. Hopefully he will make the computer an offer it can't refuse.

I woke up today with a blinding headache, so bad that I rang for a doctor's appointment. It wasn't just that it was bad but also that it has been there for about ten days. Anyway, the doctor listened to me sympathetically, and agreed that worrying about a headache that's lasted ten days isn't hypochondria, and she gave me some pills to kill the pain and help with the feeling of nausea. So off I toddled to the bus stop to go to work only to find I'd just missed the bus, so I went to get the prescription made up. What a palaver. The local pharmacy never seems to have drugs that you want, it's always we'll have to order this in and we'll have it in a couple of days. Anyway the drug I was prescribed is available in small quantities over the counter so the pharmacist made up the script out of her "over the counter" stock, then charged me a double fee ("well there are two types of tablet there dear").

I staggered into work only to have one of the other senior secretaries drag me off to lunch with the rest of the lunch crew, who all said I looked like shit and should go home.

After having had at least something to eat I took two of the pills. The first lot you should take are a lurid pink and have a drug to stop feelings of nausea, which I needed because I really did feel quite sick. I then put my head on the desk and prayed for a swift death (I said it was a bad headache). One of my co-workers saw me in this state and said that I really ought to go home, and as he is a doctor I decided to take his advice. Because I was feeling nauseous I decided that it would be better to get a taxi home but before I could do this I had to go and throw up. Now I can only blame this on the pills because I'd gone well over a week of nausea without the up-chucking, but on the plus side after my discussion with Ralph on the white telephone the nausea went away so it wasn't all bad.

And now I am at home and just about to go to bed to see if darkness and quiet will help any.

Blaaarrgghh!

I had a phone call from my mother today. She was telling me the latest news about her chemotherapy and all the stuff that is going on with the family down in Leeds.

Family news is pretty much as it always is, but the treatment news was interesting. Her treatment regime is a long session (several drugs) then a week later a short session (one main drug and antibiotics), then the next week a long session and so on. She had her first long session a couple of weeks ago and when I went to visit she was fine. Her only side effect was that her joints were aching and she felt tired. When she went for the short session it was cancelled because her blood tests were a bit skewed. Last week she was back for the next long session and there was a delay for some reason during which time she got to see the consultant. She thought that because there were no nasty side effects that the drugs weren't working, so she was shown the x-rays for comparison, and apparently there is already a visible reduction in the tumour.

Whilst we know that this is not a cure, it's a positive and each positive is a step on the way to controlling the nasty little bugger. So we are all pretty upbeat about it.

Just got back to work, straight off the train from Manchester I should add, and what do I find? Someone in my office "borrowing" my keyboard. So I wasn't well pleased. Of course, this has raised an issue of security, but as my contract there expires on the 14th April I'm getting to a point were I don't give a shit.

However, the reason for my late arrival at work was the visit to my mum's (travelling via Manchester to see the boyfriend). I actually arranged this trip quite well in that I travelled straight from work on Friday, spend the best part of Saturday in Leeds, had quality time with Paul on Sunday and started back a zero-dark-o'clock today.

Mum is fine, if fact she looks better than she has in a long time. I suspect that some of that is because she took early retirement from her job as a special education needs co-ordinator at a deprived inner city school and has therefore relieved her of a huge amounts of stress. The only side effect she is getting is soreness in her joints, though she also says that she is getting tired easily. I have to confess that seeing her has lifted a weight from my mind. She is her usual cheerful self, and she doesn't look anything like you would expect of a cancer patient on chemotherapy.

Plus she is determined not to be beaten.

I knew this was going to happen. The last time I spoke to my mother, she promised faithfully that I would be kept informed of what was happening. Well the date for her first chemotherapy has been and gone and not a word. I know that the effects of the treatment are such that she probably doesn't feel up to calling. But what excuse does my aunt have? On past experience my mother has been at death's door in intensive care and my aunt didn't tell me anything, and what was most annoying is that I was working in a different department of the same hospital. I am so angry yet I can't really be angry at my mother because she probably feels like shit at the moment, and I feel shit because I don't know what is happening.

Well I have arranged travel to go to Leeds to see my mother next weekend and I suppose I will have to wait to see what happens in the interim. I spoke with her on Saturday to let her know that I am going down. She gave me a real ticking off for getting upset again. She actually said that it wasn't as if the cancer was going to kill her, which made me laugh. I suppose that if she can be so upbeat about the situation I should really try to emulate her, but it is so hard when all I really feel is crushing depression combined with total helplessness.

It doesn't help that her first chemotherapy session has been put back two days which then makes me think that there is not as much chance as I was a first led to believe of reducing the tumour. On top of that I have lost a sapphire from the nice dress ring that she gave me when my boyfriend and I started living together and with the timing being what it is that has upset me as well. I know it's silly but my mind was trying to read all sorts of omens into that.

Ho-hum.

This week has been a nightmare. I almost feel as though a deity somewhere has it in for me. To bring things up to date:
Tuesday evening: My mother called to tell me that she has her test results back and that she had and inoperable cancer. I told a few people on my IRC channel, finding time to type between bursting into tears and I have a friend in the Midlands that I also told. I managed to get a lot of help and immediate moral support from them and they all gave me the encouragement that I needed to be able to tell my boyfriend (who currently lives in Manchester). It was really bizarre the way it was so much easier to tell the irc people than it was to tell my own partner. Once I had calmed down a bit I was able to call my boyfriend and his immediate reaction was to try to arrange to come up and visit me. I, on the other hand, thought that it would be better if he went to visit my mum. My mood was swinging from desperate sadness, to frustration and anger, all accompanied by floods of tears, so needless to say, I didn't get much sleep.
Wednesday: After having had a dreadful night of very disturbed sleep I got up and tried to get ready for work. However, with continued bouts of crying and being in a complete daze I realised at about 10:30 am that I was late (one and a half hours late at that point) so I rang my boss's secretary and explained what had happened, only just managing to stop myself from bursting into tears whilst speaking with her. I thought I would go to the restaurant on the corner of the street for lunch, so finished getting ready and as I was about to leave thought I'd head into work because I might at least manage to get something done between the tears and the dazed periods. I also thought that if I got back into work it would start to get my mind back on day to day things. It did eventually, but work wise the day was a complete wash out. My boss was away at a conference but he did manage to make time to give me a call, though I don't really think he knew what to say. As I put the phone down I burst into really hysterical tears that must have been heard right across the lab, because our Lab Manager came to see if I was okay, so yet again I had to recount what is happening. Of course this is now spreading right through the department which I'm not sure is a good or a bad thing. On the one hand, it saves me having to tell people why I am so gloomy, but there is also the feeing that it should be me telling people and that this shouldn't be the subject of general gossip. I have a friend who is an oncologist and I had a chat with her. She told me a lot about lung cancer, possible treatments, possible outcomes and that was very helpful. I also rang the Macmillan nurse who will be looking after my mum. She was very helpful, but at the same time she was very firm that she couldn't tell me anything without my mother's permission. She did, however, say that she wouldn't tell my mother anything about our conversation unless I agreed, so that was good. I slept better that night, though it was still a bit disturbed.
Thursday: Surprisingly, I was fairly okay. I got into work without a hitch and managed to get a fair chunk of work done. I was running behind because of Wednesday, but the really big job that I had, I managed to get completed, which left me feeling frustrated because it took the best part of the day but didn't make an impact on the in-tray. Had a really long conversation with my mother and told her that I had spoken with her nurse. I think she was a bit miffed at first but I explained why I'd called and that I didn't want to be in a position where she was too ill or tired from the chemotherapy to call me and that my aunt would be too busy "dealing with things" to bother calling to let me know and that I didn't want to be cut out of the loop. Anyway, mum said that she will tell everyone that they are to let me know what is going on.
Friday: Today was good. I've read a lot about the cancer treatments available, with probable outcomes, and that combined with my mothers really positive attitude is starting to have an effect. I actually feel guilty about being so upset because clearly that isn't what my mum wants. To be honest if I were in the same position I wouldn't want people to be miserable around me, but it is only natural to be upset in the first instance because whether you are expecting the news or not it's a big shock. Added to the fact that both my grandfathers died of cancer so I know what to expect if the tumour metastasises and/or doesn't respond to the chemotherapy, and I know it isn't nice. It isn't something that I ever wanted to see happening again and I particularly didn't want to see it happening to someone close. Still, as my mother say's you have to look at life in a positive fashion or you'd never do anything. So now I am going to go home and have a hot bath and carry on living my life. It's not that I don't care it's just that my mother is going to live her life as she wants to and now isn't the time to drop everything to go and be with her. What she want's most of all is for everything to carry on as normal, and that involves me living in Edinburgh and being a tour guide when she comes to visit. There will be a time when I have to put my life on hold - it just isn't now.

I have become the Angel of Death

My mother was in hospital just before Christmas with pneumonia that wasn't responding well to antibotics. Whilst she was in hospital she had to undergo a battery of tests, getting the results back when she went to the clinic yesterday. However, the results are not good. She has an inoperable lung cancer and the doctors are hoping to start chemotherapy next week.

Meanwhile, I am about 200 miles away feeling very alone and wondering what to do. I feel angry that this is happening to my mother, and I am also angry at myself for not being there. At the same time my mother is telling me off for getting upset and when I suggested that I move back down south she told me not to be so stupid.

But what am I supposed to do?

...and Then Some

Over the weekend Edinburgh has had it's largest fire in living memory. The fire took over 48 hours to extinguish by over 100 firemen. Fire appliances were brought over the Firth of Forth from Fife and other neighbouring districts to help fight the blaze and maintain fire cover for the rest of the City.

It is ironic that this fire has served to highlight why we need dedicated firefighters, when it was a fire in the same proximity that resulted in James Braidwood being commissioned to form the first municipal fire service just at a time when the local authorities and the government seem to be trying to undermine the well trained and highly dedicated firefighters that we already have. It seems to be the view of the employers that these men and women should only expect to have a living salary by working overtime, yet by the nature of the work that they do working regular overtime would more than likely put lives at risk. Let us not forget, these men and women will go into burning buildings at the risk of losing their own lives, to rescue the likes of you and me. These are the people who are often having to extract badly mutilated bodies (sometimes even of young children) from vehicles after car accidents. These are the people who are frequently left to deal with distraught victims of fire or accident right at the time of the initial trauma.

Come on Tony don't be a tight arse. Just give them the money. You know they deserve it.

Discuss Edinburgh

Life Sucks

You realise that your life has suddenly become very full when you realise that you haven't updated your blog for a couple of months. Is it any wonder then that I feel the need to get a lot of things off my chest?

The two most important things are that my best friend's cat just died. The big blob that turned all my black clothes orange is no more. Last night was very weird because I went to my friend's flat and we sat watching TV and downing a few beers when suddenly we realised we'd spent most of the time talking about the cat and that we were in fact having a wake. Didn't make it any easier and I have cried a few times both last night and today. Charlie put an entry into his blog.

Old Photos

My boss has not been giving me much work at the moment which has been very frustrating to say the least. Friday lunchtime he called and apologised and then asked if I could do him a huge favour. Naturally I said yes (I may need a reference from him in the not too distant future). His parent's were visiting for a long weekend and had brought with them an old photo album. My boss wanted the pictures scanning so that they had an additional record of them. So I have just spent Friday night and most of Saturday scanning pictures of my boss as a child. I had to meet up with him today to give him the photo album back and he was so appreciative that I just had to forgive him for leaving me with nothing for a week. On top of that there were some older photos of his grandparents and great-grandparents that look as though they are original dagerrotypes, so I feel really honoured that I was allowed access to them. The other nice thing is that I have been told to take time in lieu at time and a half so it turned out really good in all ways.

Oh-oh

I really must start putting the interesting bits I find into my blog rather than passing them to Feorag and Charlie for inclusion in theirs. Over the past few weeks there have been several interesting things that I've come across and in every instance I've passed it to someone else.

For example, the rant on Kevin Carlyon's website, where he declared himself to be immortal, not to mention that he was going to raise the ghost of Nessie. This is after he put a protection spell on Loch Ness so that she wouldn't be caught! And he insists that in the Harry Potter film the broomstick is being ridden the wrong way. Apparently we only started to depict witches on broomsticks with the bristles at the back when we discovered the principles of aerodynamics. Of course, this flys (oops! bad pun) in the face of woodcut illustrations in 16th century chapbooks (before aerodynamics) where the bristles are at the back, but when did Kev ever let the facts get in the way of a publicity stunt.

My feeling is that this is a guy who really need to get out more.

Peeve

Today I did some errands for one of the doctors and as I arrived in the department (up two flights of stairs) I was gasping for breath. The combination of asthma, stress and physical exercise does not go together.

So there I am, gasping, and what does the doctor do? He laughs ...... ! big joke.......! In the end the boss thought I ought to have a puff of an inhaler (which we happen to keep in the departmental drug cabinet). So it has a happy ending after all.

Urghh

I am at work. I have a horrible complicated job to do that requires all my concentration. I have a migrane.

This begs the question why couldn't the migrane have held off until tommorrow? Alternatively I could ask Why couldn't I have been given this job last week?

The answer in both cases is "because that would be too easy".

Maybe I will write something when I feel human.

Retard of the Day

Just noticed this in my local newspaper.

"A teen pop star lost four fingers when he waved to fans as he climbed out of a helicopter. Crowds screamed in horror as the whirling rotor blades sliced through 16-year-old Ricardo Abarca's hand at Guatemala City airport."

Now correct me if I'm wrong but I always thought that the rotors were the principle feature of a helicopter, and the fact that they took time to stop was why people usually ducked down as they got off them. And if I know it then surely a 16-year-old boy who is travelling in one should know it.

Or do helicopters act differently for celebrities?

I Don't Believe It

This morning when I went to the boss's office for the usual what do you want me to do today meeting, I burst into tears. All he'd said was "Good morning, How are you today?"

The reason for the extreme reaction?

I got a phone call from the boyfriend last night telling me that a friend had committed suicide. Not a close friend, just someone that we knew from the astronomy society, but close enough that we would always stop and chat if we met on the street and who had been to our Manchester flat a few times. Under normal circumstances I think I would have said it's a shame and after giving appropriate words of sympathy to relatives would have got on with my life. But this year has been different. This is the fourth person that I know personally who had died since March.

First a guy that lives a floor above me fell down the stone steps of the tenement, resulting in my being "under house arrest" for the best part of the evening (the police woman was very nice and just said politely that I couldn't leave, and when I protested was told that if I really wanted she could make it official) Charlie wrote something in his blog at the time. A couple of weeks after that the old man who lives immediately above me died of a stroke.

My friend, David, died of a heart attack recently (which was the impetus for me starting this blog)., and now this.......

It has gradually built up and is taking it's toll on me. If I sat down and wrote out everything that has happened this year to submit as a plot line for a soap it would be dismissed as unbelieveable. I am sure people are beginning to think that I am a drama queen making it all up to get attention. I wish I was, because then it wouldn't be so horrible and I wouldn't be feeling as though I am sitting on a knife edge between complete hysteria and total numbness. I feel helpless, as though I am an unwilling passenger on a out of control roller-coaster, and at the moment I just want to get off and have my life go back as it was, nice and calm with nothing more than minor storms in teacups.

Whilst writing this entry I am holding down the urge to scream because I am at work and screaming will scare the patients. So, in the words of Penelope Pitstop HAAAAYYYYYLLP!!!!!

Friends 2

It would appear that things have been patched up between me and the guy on the mailing list. Not sure if it means that we are friends again, but at least it means we aren't enemies, so the various people who are in the middle can breath easy.

I'll just have to wait and see what happens.

Friends

Well I just found out that my friend Charlie didn't win a Hugo, which is a shame because the nominated story was mighty fine. On the positive side it might mean that we can get his ego under control, because for the last couple of months it has been running away with itself, and trying to take over the world (narf). Currently I'm having a break from The Ego because Charlie took it to San Jose along with his long term partner Feorag. They arrive back next weekend at which point I (and anyone else within radius) will have to put up with the tales of what we did on our trip to California repeated add nauseum and it's no good saying that you've heard that tale because in five mins time you will get it again...... and again..... and again.....

But this is what you get when you have a self important, self obsessed couple as your best friends.