A Very Late Update

The year has been a mad rush.

I got married (Yay)

Had honeymoon in Venice (Yay) (photos forthcoming... maybe... hopefully... one day)

I started a new job (Yay)

Hubby lost his job (Boo)

But he was then able to move from Manchester to Edinburgh (Yay)

I started evening classes ... (hmmm)

... and got a 71.75% pass on my first module (Yay)

Earning lots so just got new mobiles ... (Yay) (moblogging here I come... maybe)

... and a nice shiny Samsung Syncmaster 910N 19 inch TFT screen (Double yay with a back flip)

Plus I was made moderator on a big mailing list for a game (Yay)

which may lead to a place on the game's High Council (fingers crossed)

So as you can see I've been very very busy. Honest. :-)

No comment

Make up your own mind about this one.

http://www.theregister.co.uk/2004/09/14/utah_grounds_santa/

Good News

I've managed to get myself a job at the University. Woohoo! Go Me!

I've been temping in the Department since May (and within the University for even longer). I was so surprised to be offered the post because I really thought I'd done appallingly at interview.

I don't officially start until I come back from honeymoon, so it's all worked out really nicely.

Just need to get the other half a job now.

Wedding Plans

Are all going well if somewhat late....

I've just got the invitations back from the printer so they will finally be going out this week, and I have to go and see the Registrars to finalise the legal notices.

The dress is coming along nicely, and I even have a very basic wedding site at http://www.netresources.co.uk/~jan30/wedding.

All in all I'm very pleased with how things are going. Not stopping me panicing though.

New game

For those of you that play the Vampire The Dark Alleyways, there is a new variation called Gothador. This is a little bit more dungeons and dragons based and is undergoing serious development as people are joining the game and letting the developer know what features they'd like to see.

Enjoy

UPDATE

Well that was good for a while. The game developer has now implemented lots of features that the first round of players asked for and promptly started charging for them. Not amused. On top of that everytime anyone says anything even slightly bad about the game on any of the lists (which the game developers are making a point of owning) they are pounced on with abuse by one of the list moderators and then find that the posts "vanish".

My view of this lot has completely changed from a bunch working to get a game going for the hell of it (which is what it appeared at the start) to a bunch of money grabbing control freaks asking for "a small $5 USD / month donation (approximately £3 GBP)" to "gain access to all current advanced features and also new features that non-supporters will never get access to".

Make your own choice, but I've quit the game and asked the owner to remove my details from the database (which they still haven't done).

Arghhhh!

Trying to make a combination of the wedding dress and clothes for the honeymoon and the sewing machine has decided to seize up on me.

I now have to find a place that will do house calls to old Singer treadle machines.

Poo

A nice relaxing weekend... not

The boy wonder came up for the long weekend so we used the opportunity to get various bits and pieces done. Of course, making the wedding dress was completely put on hold as I had to hide everything to do with it away, but that was a minor sacrifice. Firstly, on Friday night we went to the pictures to see Shaun of the Dead. It's brill. Go see it NOW!

Saturday started well with a leisurely lay in, but the need for food soon had us running out to get bacon rolls and coffee, then on into town where we ordered the wedding rings. I also took my mothers rings with me to get them resized and also to have the eternity ring restored. The jeweler commented that it was an old ring with a lot of wear so I think that Val got in a muddle and gave me one of my gran's rings by mistake. Not that I'm complaining because if that is the case then in her attempt to grab the valuable stuff for herself she has inadvertently given me one of the more valuable rings. I'll wait to see what the final report on that one is. Shambled around town a bit which was nice and ended up in HMV, where were picked up some of the DVDs we've been looking for in the sale, then home, food, and on to the pub for a good night out with friends.

Sunday, we made a tailors form in my shape, using cling film, and lots of duck tape, which was fun to start but got very uncomfortable after a while due to being sweaty and sticky. Then watched one of the DVDs we'd bought before finishing all the invitation designs and working on the wedding website (it still has problems and I can't seem to fix them - damn cross browser incompatibilities) so that will be going on-line in a day or two.

Monday he went home, and I didn't even get to do the tearful goodbyes at the train station as I was working. *BooHooHoo*

So now the dress will be brought out of it's hiding hole and that is going to be the big priority until he comes back in a few weeks when we have to make time to go to the Registrar's Office to submit the legal Notice of Intent to Marry and after that it's just finalising various bits and pieces.

It never seems to end though.

Ha!

Last night I went to the pub. She who is trying to make out that she is being maligned behaved as though my being there had spoilt her whole night. Went to the pub tonight she stood on her own at the bar having done a u-turn upon seeing me. Do I look like someone who cares? Yeah your right.

It's getting to the point where she is looking like a complete prat, and people are actually noticing this and commenting that she is behaving like a five year old. And I just sit there and smile and ignore her. You see I have learned that I can hold my own with people, I don't need to make other people look small to make myself look big. I grant that I have a nasty temper that wise people do not get on the wrong side of. More importantly, I've decided that I am going to have a social life and if some psychotic attention seeker wants to fantasize about my being a threat to them then okay. If they want to lie about me - fine. I know the truth, the people that know me know the truth, and it isn't actually hurting me. The person who is behaving like a brain dead twat is on the other hand starting to get bad press as people notice the stupidity. Lets face it, if you insist on being the center of attention when you're actually a complete bore, people tend to be glad to see the back of you.

Beware - rant in progress

Today I arrived home to find an email from a friend. He and his partner had been up all night with their blind, ailing, geriatric puss, who had sadly died this morning. Didn't help that it was my friend's birthday. After I had been around for a visit to commiserate for their loss it was decided that we would go to the pub for a "wee dram" or three. So there we were a rather forlorn group of four people sitting in the pub, but the ale soon lifted our spirits, and one of the group, who had recently returned from Nigeria was telling us about life in North West Africa. During the course of our evening a couple turned up and suddenly things turned very sour.

Basically, the female of the pair was a friend of mine for many years, but about a year ago decided to spread some lies about another friend in, of all places, her Livejournal. The other friend, lets call her Mrs A, was very upset about this and asked for a retraction of the lies and received abuse in return. Mrs A's husband then tried to get a retraction and he too had abuse hurled at him. He, however, was defending his wife's reputation so didn't back down at this point, hence their argument spilled over into my livejournal comment space. I told them both to stop it and grow up, where upon I got an apology from Mr A but abuse from the other woman. Now I have put up with this woman's tantrums for a number of years and to be honest they were growing thin. She seems to think that behaving like a petulant 5 year old is a virtue in a thirtysomething year old woman, which to be frank, it isn't. By this point she was slandering Mr A in on line forums by making people believe that he had had some sort of breakdown and had become a dangerous lunatic who was putting her health and safety in great danger.

Having had this argument thrust into my face and deciding to draw a line in the sand, which she very quickly crossed, I told her to grow up and act her age, to which her partner then started telling me that she was "unsocialised" and "didn't know that her behaviour was unacceptable" and that "I was responsible for her bad behaviour by not telling her it was wrong". When I pointed out that when you tell her her behaviour is unacceptable you get a torrent of abuse I was told I was "being unreasonable".

I was supposed to be the matron of honour at this woman's wedding but I told her that I wouldn't bestow such an honour on someone who though being abusive to friends was a good idea and I broke of contact with her. At this point her partner started telling anyone that would listen that I was "spreading obnoxious lies" about her. Of course, as the only things I had said about her were backed up by emails and other independant witnesses people soon got tired of hearing this. And so for nearly a near this couple have been trying to make the world believe that I am a dangerous lunatic.

Tonight was the last straw. They have made unsubstantiated accusations against people that I know just on the basis that they are talking to me. They are saying that they cannot even be in the same pub as me as I pose a physical threat to their safety (which bearing in mind that I was in the same pub for two hours and didn't even look at them) is patently fabricated, and this on top of telling people over the past year that I am a psychotic receiving psychiatric care (I'd like to see them prove that one in a court of law). I am so angry at the moment but I know that there is very little that I can do. Or at least there is very little that I can do that doesn't take me down to the same sewer that they live in.

Maybe I should just get my solicitor to issue a summons of slander against them. There are enough witnesses to prove my case....

Panic Stations!

Wedding day is getting every closer and whilst we have most things in order there are a few little details that need doing.

The darling boy needs to hurry up with the design for the official invitations otherwise we are not going to be able to send them out in time.

I need to get on an do the information web page, because I don't have time to go looking up stuff for everybody as they request it. So things like, map to the venue, link to tourist board B&B index, wedding list, alleged order of day, etc, will be there for people to check up on at their own convenience.

Trouble is I want a nice picture of a victorian style wedding dress that has a long train, and is a nice size to put on a web page and I can't find one. They are all either photos taken at the wrong angle to be useful, too small, or too fuzzy. The graphic artist that I was working with is busy too so he doesn't have time to create an image for me.

On the other hand I have the model of the dress almost done so I'll probably be wearing that all day next weekend so I can see where the pattern will need to be adjusted. This weekend I'm looking for a suitable veil, saw a nice simple two-layer one but I can't get it in black. That's another thing that is brewing - my future mother-in-law is convinced that I am joking when I say that the wedding dress is going to be black and keeps making suggestions of "suitable" colours. I keep telling her that I'm going for authentic but... Maybe I should see if my friends (the film producers) can put me in touch with one of the costume designers so I can get evidence to prove my point, not that it's likely to work though.

It's Official

Blueyonder are complete F***wits.

They have introduced some antivirus thing or another, which is clearly configured incorrectly, because so far all it has bounced has been innocent mail from a MODERATED mailing list that I have been on for about six years and that doesn't allow attachments. Now forgive me if I am being naive, but how in the name of the devil's illegitimate spawn can plain text email with no attachments be spreading viruses? More importantly when will the "tech" support tards at Bluechunder get a clue as to how to run a system? FFS

I PASSED!!!!!!!!!!

This morning I finally got to sit the CIW Foundations Exam. Time allowed 90 mins but I did it in about 30 and I passed.

So I am now a Certified Internet Webmaster Associate.

The thing that had me most worried was the section on Internet Fundamentals, as I have been struggling to get my head around the OSI Reference Model and where protocols and network devices fit into it, yet I managed to get 92% on that section.

If you see a half crazed woman bouncing about Edinburgh celebrating like a loon then that will be me.

Linux Games Petition

Like a number of others I'm getting fed up of having to run a second computer in windows just so I can play commercial games. One of the guys in a chat room I'm on has started a petition to show the games manufacturers that Linux is an untapped market, and that it is in their economic interest to provide the linux community with ports of the top selling games.

The test of the petition is:


To: EA Games

We, the Linux gaming community are feeling alienated by companies that, in face of huge demand for our choice of operating system, still refuse to provide proper client-side ports for major games.
Although this petition is focused primarily towards EA Games, (who became a powerful force in gaming due to their commitment to providing native ports to a variety of operating environments) the writer of this petition also believes that such companies as Blizzard (who deliberately SHUT DOWN an open source native port project for some of their games, which did not infringe on their intellectual property, called freecraft) deserves special mention.
This petition aims to make the following points:
1. Emulation is not a native port, and native ports are what is required by the linux-driven consumer.
2. Our numbers and buying power are great enough to warrant such projects as a transition from directx to opengl, for instance.
3. We believe we are the future, and this is an offer to make peace with this community, before we are further alienated, and you really need us to stay in business.
4. Native server ports without client side ports are offensive, and unacceptable.
5. We are no longer willing to run a Windows machine, or buy a gaming console just to be able to play games. (Thanks to the insight of such companies as Atari, among others, we don't have to)
Thank you for reviewing this petition.

Sincerely,


You can view the petition and sign it here:



http://www.petitiononline.com/linux260/petition.html

Crazy people

I spotted an interesting article on the BBC's web page today.

An American Airlines pilot asked Christians on his flight to raise their hands to identify themselves, prior to calling all non-Christians crazy. He also suggested that the non-Christians should speak to the Christians about their faith. Needless to say reports are that passengers were terrified.

The full story is here on the BBC's news site.

This, of course, does raise the question as to who actually is the crazy person here.

Woohoo

Somebody likes me. I just got an invite to orkut.

Ice Cold in Omsk

It's nice to know where the Russian army have their priorities, and if this story is anything to go by it's more in having a good time that in fighting wars.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/europe/3414593.stm

"Six divers, 10 men with electric saws and a tank pulled the beer kegs - but not the truck - to safety."

That's dedication to a cause.

Tis the season to be... erm... tortured?

Trawling the web as you do when you are supposed to be getting on with lots of work. I found this little story. Well okay I didn't find it but one of the guys in the chat room I hang out in found it.

http://www.news.com.au/common/story_page/0,4057,8060210^13762,00.html


Enjoy

I'm currently working my behind off on the end of course project, on top of that I'm running around like a maniac doing things for the wedding, and I'm studying for the CIW Foundations exam. Not to mention the Gutenburg project that I'm heading up. I really need to have each day in the order of 40 hours long to be able to get everything done.

Any donations of spare time, extra strength caffeine, etc would be gratefully accepted. :-)

How do you deal with a person who will not listen to anyone's opinions and seems to get their self esteem from belittling, patronising and ignoring other people, or by riding roughshod over any ideas that aren't their's? Especially when you are supposed to be working in a team with said person?

BTW, punching them in the face is not an option.

Update
This person and I have had a blazing row due in part to the wasting of time by redoing work that I had already done. Of course, they were doing this in front of someone who does have the chance to write references and reviews. I just asked why the work as being redone, and the answer was correct in as much as it is information that the team needs. So I pointed out that I had done it and emailed the team with the results and some questions that we need to ask our client. The response... "Oh I haven't read your emails".

Needless to say everything got worse over the day so the first thing the following morning I went into the management team and said that I cannot work with this person. I told them everything that had bugged me over the entire project cycle so far. The telling me time and time again that I am not able to do this, that or the other without this person's help, the constant undermining of the work that I am doing and so on.

Not sure what happened after that, if someone had words or what, but things seem to have settled down, so I am able to get on with the things I should be doing without hindrance. The question is for how long?

Happy News

I'm getting married. The boy wonder and I are tying the knot on 24th July 2004 at the Carlton Hotel in Edinburgh.

The frightening thing is that despite having eight months or so to go, we have almost everything arranged or at the very least in hand.

All we need to think about doing is getting the rings, the gifts for bestman and bridesmaids, and the bridal favours. We can't move ahead with the catering until we get the prices for the different altered menus back from the hotel. This, of course, holds up paying the deposit to the hotel, which in turn holds up getting the form for booking the Registrar, but everyone is aware of the sequence and the time scale and so there are no worries.

Well some of you will have already been told this news and I excpect many others will have heard it on the grapevine. After what must be the longest engagement in living memory (11 years in February) the darling boy and I are getting married. Plans are already being put into place so the details are as follows:

Date: 24th July 2004
Wedding Ceremony: Carlton Highland Hotel (Sutherland Suite) all welcome.
Wedding Breakfast: Carlton Highland Hotel (Highland Suite) Family and close friends only.
Evening Reception: Carlton Highland Hotel (Highland Suite) Everyone else we know that we remember to invite.

What is really frightening is how organised we are. All that needs to be done now is sort out the dress and we have to choose/buy wedding rings and the gifts for best man and bridesmaids. I need to ask one friend if she will be a bridesmaid and we need to speak to someone about the evening entertainment but that is in hand. I even have the wedding cake and favours sorted out.

I'm just having a moment of panic wondering what I have missed and what will go wrong.

Well blogging has been somewhat slow. The main reason is that I am currently on a web development course, which is rather intense.

It's even less likely that I will be doing updates before Christmas because not only am I studying for the CIW Foundations exam we are in the project phase of the course.

The project itself is really interesting. I am working with a guy whose back ground is graphic design (the team designer) and a woman who has experience of running a web company (the team's project manager) to redesign from scratch the web pages for Deadhead Comics in Edinburgh. The ideas are really flying around and we already have some good ideas that we can put to our client. This is a really exciting project with lots of potential for fun so we are all working our collective butts off.

Maybe I should try to keep updating this to let you all know how we are getting on.

Is that the time?

I can't believe that it has been two weeks since I last did an update. Time has been flying to the point that I don't have enough hours in the day. I don't know what I will do when I get a job, but I have been in this situation before and I know that it will all work out in the end. Actually most of the workload is from a Training for Work scheme so if I do get a job that will end, and that will remove a large chunk of the stuff that is keeping me busy. Web design project work on very tight deadlines in not conducive to having a social life, and I passed the assessment test to get onto the CIW Foundations course, so that has put another load of study work onto my shoulders. Do I hear the words stressed being muttered somewhere?

As if all the stress from that isn't enough I'm having to start running around and fix dates and venues. Most people will have heard already but my other half and I had decided that 11 years is long enough to be engaged and we will be getting married next year.

Final details are to be confirmed but at the moment it is looking as though it will be at the end of July at the Carlton Highland Hotel. I just need to get the date confirmed with the Registrars Office.

All I need now is the groom to follow tradition and let me get on with deciding what I want.

Colour madness.

I have a few little pleasures in life. One of them is the regular mailing from Hermes. I bought a scarf at their store in Manchester not long after it opened and as a result ended up on their preferred customer list, so I get invites to special showing of new collections, exhibitions and stuff like that. Not to mention the quarterly magazine, full of wonderful images (I'm sure Sandy would appreciate the photos). Anyway I've just received the latest bundle including a catalogue of this season's ties, which are separated by colour associations. So there's a section that describes orange as "...surreptitiously, with the slyness of genetic mutation and the power of an incoming tide, yellow swerves towards red." Pale pink is "... reserved for babies, more often than not those of the female sex. Can one conceive of it ornamenting beard and muscle?" As for purple, apparently "It is a truth universally acknowledged that a woman who wears only mauve is to be mistrusted."

Perhaps it is a French foible that colour should be described in such living, breathing terminology, as though the colours themselves we independent, sentient beings. Or is it perhaps that exclusive fashion houses describe things with such artistic ways? Whichever it is, I like it.

Guns and Roses

Not much of an update I'm afraid. I'm just too busy at the moment doing studying and other such stuff. However, I came across this web site. It's an old project but I thought it was pretty neat.

The Cult of Father Darwin

It would seem that a local teenager decided that he should Darwinate himself.

Edinburgh Evening News Story here

Whilst it is sad that that the young idiot lost his life at least we can all sleep safely in the knowledge that yet another strain of the stupidity gene has been exterminated prior to reproducing itself.

Life is beginning to settle down again so hopefully I will be blogging a bit more regularly.

Keep looking, you never know when I might get inspiration.

Long time no blog

Well there has been a huge amount going on in my life including my mother dying so if you don't like it that I haven't updated since February - tough!

Couple of news points. I have a Live Journal account here. I have also started a web design course
so have web space here though as yet there is nothing to see. Keep checking though as things will change. There were problems with my ISP mangling all my html into frontpage-ese so the webpage in the links section is currently dead. At some point I will fix the links section, but like I said I'm busy so it might take a while to get a round tuit.

Also, Edinburgh has been a nightmare this year during the festival, so if you are a festival tourist, here is a frustrated local's message to you.

FUCK OFF HOME!

It's not that I have anything against the tourists and the revenue that they bring to the city, I just wish they wouldn't block entire pavements so that those of us with only one hour for lunch can't get anywhere. Just remember that although YOU are on holiday here, there are some people that aren't and they are trying to live their lives as normally as possible.

Hello....

      ...(goodbye)

Well not really. For the people that have emailed asking where I am, I am still around but I'm feeling intermittently depressed and/or anti-social. If you've mailed and I've not answered, I haven't fallen out with you and I'm not ignoring you because you've upset me. It's just I can't be bothered and besides I don't feel like talking/mailing anyone. If you've missed me at the pub (or wherever) I was too depressed/upset/antisocial (delete as applicable) to be arsed. Nothing personal, it's not you, it's just something I'm going through. It will pass. Time will heal. Etc.....

Anyway, as I finally motivated myself to update this I thought I would pass on the two little snippets that I have found recently.

Firstly, if you are into having trendy Chinese or Japanese words tattooed across your body make sure you have a trustworthy Chinese/Japanese speaking friend with you. Otherwise the results may not be what you expect. Story here

Also, in light of the current SCO mess any Linux geeks watching might be interested in here.

Normal service will be resumed... Eventually... Sometime... Maybe... Well probably. Though what is normal and does anybody ever achieve normality anyway?

Bad day at the track

Some people will know that I used to be a motor racing marshal until an unfortunate incident in a gravel trap left me with a badly injured knee, making track side work impossible. I still like motor racing and watch races whenever I get the opportunity and I keep as up to date as possible with the rule changes, etc.

So today I was watching Formula One on TV. It was the British Grand Prix, which I have only done spectator marshalling at (directing traffic to car parks and stopping people from lighting barbecues next to wooden grandstands). Silverstone is a lovely circuit, which was greatly improved about 10 years ago went the track layout was altered to facilitate the building of new run off areas for the race cars and grandstands for the spectators. It's still a power circuit with a sequence of fast corners leading to the main straight which terminates into the "new" complex of slower corners that were designed to increase over taking. Cars exiting the fast complex will be doing about 130 mph, accelerating up the straight to 200+ mph before breaking hard. It's the fastest part of the circuit and compares with the Parabolica at Monza or the old Tamburello at Imola - where Ayrton Senna was killed in a high speed accident in 1994. So imagine, the shock it was to see what could only described as a lunatic with a death wish (click on the image to get an enlargement) calmly jogging along this straight down toward the fast complex of corners at Becketts. The yellow Jordon that can be seen exiting the corner is doing about 140 mph and about two seconds after the picture had passed the nutter. Added to which the guy was trying to wave protest placards in front of the cars, on only one occasion did he try to get out of the way, in most cases actually moving toward the racing line of the cars. It was only the skill of the drivers in avoiding him that prevented his death, though had one of the cars hit him it would likely have killed the driver too. By the nature of that part of the circuit no marshals were sent to retrieve him until the safety car had been deployed and being in the early stages of the race with the cars were still fairly bunched up a safe gap was quickly forthcoming for the marshals to deal with him, and knowing the mentality of the marshals they wouldn't have been gentle with him, I know if I was dealing with him I would managed at least one surreptitious kick with my steel toe-capped boots. The worst thing is, this guy is only going to be charged with aggravated trespass, which his lawyers may be able to argue around by virtue of him having a ticket, but why not add on attempted murder. After all there is already evidence that a formula one car hitting a person at speed will cause the death of the driver, as Tom Pryce was killed in 1977 when he struck a marshal who was crossing the track, and F1 cars are much faster now that they were 26 years ago, plus this whole issue was discussed in 2000 after a disgruntled Frenchman breached security to make a track side protest again Mercedes-Benz.

The timing of this couldn't have been worse. The whole future of the British Grand Prix is in question, and an incident like this could be all it takes to have one of the great sporting institutions of the summer erased permanently from the calender.

Bargins galore

I had an interesting afternoon in HMV (West End today). Went up into the Classical section where I had a nice chat with the chap who works there. Despite not seeing him for over 12 months he not only remembered me also the sort of classical stuff I like, and the CD's he'd recommended to me. (wow! HMV give this guy a pay rise now.) Anyway to cut a long story sort he pointed me to some stuff that they have in from the Marco Polo label which are all being sold at £2.99, so I came away with the following;

Witold Lutoslawski - Symphonies Nos 3 and 4

Frederic Devreese - Soundtrack (Dances, Divertimenti and Preludes)

Tage Nielsen, Erik Norby, Vagn Holmboe & Herman D Koppel - Songs

Rued Langgaard - String Quartets (Double CD)

Laszlo Lajtha - Symphonies Nos 8 and 9

And as if that wasn't good enough on the bargain front I got two Permin cross stitch kits at about half the price I've seen them being sold for elsewhere. They are about 8"x 20", stitched on 20 hole to the inch count fabric and are gorgeous. All other stitching projects are on hold till these are done.

INTERCAL Game

A suggestion has just been put to me for a new variation to that old favourite Scrabble.

What if the pieces are INTERCAL keywords and you have to produce valid statements instead of valid words. Your score would depend on which keywords you use. There is no bonus for elegance.

For a final twist on scrabble you can use a dictionary to check a word while in this game you would have to explain what it does before scoring.

Maybe it should be a computer game so you can compile your statements to verify validity.

Hmm!

It's sort of weird but flattering when people you don't know add you to their LJ friends list. But it's even weirder when they remove you. What is it about your journal that makes them want to add you in the first place? What changes to make them no longer want to read you entries? Have you changed in the interim?

I know that with a few exception most of my stuff has been self indulgent "why me?" whinging, but since January that's more or less the process that my mind has been going through. Finding out that my mother had cancer in some ways made me more critical of friends and I have cut a lot of people out of my life. Lets face it when you trying to come to terms with the fact that a parental unit is dying a horrible death, having a self obsessed troll dismissing your feelings as unimportant, whilst making out that their desicion of whether to go to an Indian or Thai restaurant is of life or death importance, makes you realise that said troll isn't worth knowing. When they then say that it was "an attempt to cheer you up" is insulting to the intelligence. One acquaintenship that broke down was regrettable because it could possibly have been avoided if I hadn't made the choice to say enough is enough. However, given the instability of the other person, that would have only put off the inevitable, so perhaps everything worked out for the best anyway.

LJ is interesting in that you can voice all your worries, concerns, woes, etc knowing that you do have an audience, who may be supportive, though conversely they may just be saying "Oh gawd not again" and skimming over your entry. But the audience is there and by virtue of the friends page, is also available to a wider selection of people any of whom could decide that they want a front seat in our rants and wibbles. That a stranger added me to his list for some arbitrary reason and then just as suddenly decided that I wasn't interesting enough raises questions in my mind, like did this person just want to watch the increasingly depressed muttering of someone who is going through their own private hell and re-adjusting their relationships on the basis of new values? Are the postings not full of juicy enough details of debautched sex and familial arguments? But isn't this what we all want to see? Given the popularity of soap operas with convoluted relationships (Dynasty/The Colbys), improbable disasters/scenarios (Emmerdale, Dallas) and on to the later craze of "reality tv", isn't this what we all want - a chance to look into someone elses life and make judgement? But in turn with LJ (and weblogs in general) are we not holding ourselves up for judgement in the same way as the occupants of the Big Brother House? So does it really matter that someone who I have never (to my knowledge) met added and subtracted me from their friends list? Truthfully, the answer is that it doesn't matter at all, however it does generate a feeling of disappointment, i.e. if I cannot hold a strangers interest then what chance do I have of making new friends? though this isn't something that has been a problem in the past, so why should it be a problem in the future? And can the actions of one stranger be used as a weather vane as to how people in general view me?
Furthermore, does questioning the motives of a stranger, and analysing my response to their actions make me nuts? Or am I just noticing a trend of behaviour in people that is always there just so entrenched that we take it for granted?

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Earth Worshippers Cause Death in Space

Thanks Simon.

Life? Don't talk to me about life.

I am so utterly fed up with life at the moment. Most people are telling me it is just a reaction to my mother having recently died but it goes beyond that. I'm just utterly sick of my life, of the same boring routine day in day out. Of having so called friends who spend all their time stabbing you in the back and then having a family that do the same.

The latest is that my mother's sister is telling me that I have absolutely no right to anything of my mothers. I wanted mums wedding ring, but I was told quite catagorically no. When I pushed I was called selfish and ungrateful. In the end she gave me a cheap thing that I would swear she bought at the market earlier that day, it certainly isn't my mothers wedding ring though I am being told that it is. I'm finding that I am being written out of the family history, mum's gravestone is allegedly stating that she is a muched loved sister and aunt but no mention of mother. To cap it all I am now being told that despite my mother naming me as the beneficiary of her pension, and the pension company saying I have a lump sum of money due to me, my aunt is telling me that I'm not entitled to it and if I accept if it the same as stealing. WTF???

Not content with lying to me about how ill my mother actually was, and trying her best to keep me away from Leeds, she is now trying to eradicate my existance. She is too busy dividing up the soils for herself and her kids. To be honest it is beginning to get to me. I'm at the point where I don't know who to trust, or indeed whether there is anyone that I can trust, and if the answer to the last bit is no one then why do I actually bother. I don't know why I don't just lock myself away and forget the whole world because because I'm sick to death of being used by ignorant selfish egotistical bastards who only seem to want me around so that they have someone who will admire them. Well I'm sorry I'm not playing anymore. In fact I don't honestly know why I have to go one living any more as it clear that I serve no purpose.

Maybe I'll feel better in a day or so but I doubt it.

Arghh!!

I missed the main drinking session of the geekfest, due to continued illness. However, a couple of the "delegates" were at my Manchester place on Thursday night after kindly meeting me at the train station with offerings of beer and breezers. Pity I wasn't in a fit enough state to be a charming hostess, however, my boyfriend was also there and he made up for the manners I missed.

Friday was spent mainly in bed feeling like I was dying and Saturday was only fractionally better. The coughing spasms have left me with a pain in my chest and across my shoulder and I'm now having difficulty getting into a position where I'm comfortable, and to make matters worse I've taken all the paracetamol based pain killers I dare and they haven't worked.

I just have to keep reminding myself that things can only get better.

Blargh!!!

Well I missed the Holyrood tonight, which has upset me mightily. But seeing as I am laid low and in bed with a horrible flu bug I didn't think I would be popular if I spread it around. It's a nasty little bug too - gone straight for the chest, and as I have asthma it's a double whammy. I'm actually at the point where my ribs hurt from coughing and I am struggling to breathe.

I just hope I am okay for the weekend as it's the nixhelp geekfest, and I don't want to miss out on a full weekend of drinking, geeking, drinking and taking the piss with the bunch of psychos that I spend most of my free time communicating with via IRC.

An update will no doubt follow once I've sobered up after the event, assuming I can remember anything about it.

Charles Laughton Directs.....

    The Night of the Hunter

Sunday night I went to the Filmhouse in Edinburgh with and to a special screening of The Night of the Hunter.

I have always though that this was one of the best films I've ever seen and so finding that almost all of the original film rushes and out-takes still survived intrigued me. Added to this the fact that the director, Charles Laughton, kept the camera running between takes giving the opportunity to see how he interacted with his actors meant that I was eager to see the film, the rushes and hear the talk that was given.

In the past when I have been to other special screenings of this type, it has usually been someone giving a talk about the film whilst showing various clips to illustrate the points being made, followed by a showing of the film in question. In this case the showing was, in the words of Robert Gitt (the presenter) "the film with narration". Gitt commenced his talk by briefly going over the career of Charles Laughton, who was well know as an actor in films such as "Mutiny on the Bounty" (1935 - opposite Clark Gable as Fletcher Christian); "The Private Life of Henry VIII (1933) and, perhaps my favorite, David Lean's wonderfully executed "Hobsons Choice" (1953). Our lecturer for the evening then told of the history of the cuttings collection, and described what we were going to see, this being the film made up from the best bits of the rushes and out-takes. At this point he started the film.

From here on in, we had the film almost in its entirety, starting from the original idea to make a film of Davis Grubb's novel of the same name, through to the appalling marketing of the film studio. As each new person was added to the project a short biography was given which also explained how they gained their part in the film project. Laughton, who in his best roles tended to play overbearing tyrants, was surprising by the way be elicited performances from his actors in particular the two children, 12 year-old Billy Chapin as John and Sally Jane Bruce who, at 5½ years, was an absolute star as Pearl. Laughtons technique of keeping the camera running between takes allowed us to see the way he explained what he wanted and then gently coaxed the performance out of them. Sally, even for a young child was so professional, to the point that in some scenes she was rebuking Robert Mitchum (already a Hollywood star) for forgetting his lines.

There was only one scene where Laughton appeared to be a tyrant as a director and this was with Shelly Winters, though the question was raised did he shout at her because he was really angry, or was it an act on his part to make her feel as humiliated as the character she was portraying? Based on the other interactions with his actors I would say it was the latter.

Altogether I found it a most entertaining and enlightening evening, and I would certainly recommend that if you ever get the chance to see this film by the UCLA Film Archive take it as you will not be disappointed. Though as the very least you should see the film as released.

Patricia Winmill - 14/03/1945 - 01/06/2003

As those who read my journal will know I have been agonising over what I should be doing during my mother's illness from cancer. Her suffering is now over. She died peacefully at St Gemma's Hospice in Leeds at 23:25 on Sunday evening. She fought the "nasty little bugger" to the end, but in her final moments she must have realised that this was one battle she couldn't win and gave up the fight. I was with her round the clock from the very early hours of Saturday. Although she couldn't speak much - the drugs were making her sleepy - she was aware of her surroundings and if she felt that we were talking over her she let it be known with frowns and other gestures.

There are a few members of the live-journal community that knew her and they will know what a huge personality she had. Her passing will leave a huge gap in many people's lives and the one thing I am finding from talking to her friends is that those who knew her loved her.

I'm sorry that I couldn't be with her more during the final months of her life and that I wasn't there will be a burden I shall carry for many years, but in the end we were able to communicate and I was able to say my goodbyes. She died knowing how much both I and my partner, Paul, loved her, and that we will always miss her.

Funeral arrangements are being put into place for the morning of Tuesday, 10/06/2003. The family in general and myself in particular would ask that friends who wish to pay tribute do so by making a donation to St Gemma's Hospice in Leeds, whose care and compassion for both patients and relatives was wonderful.

Sometimes I feel like a motherless child...

        ...a long ways from home.

Well in the end the decision was taken out of my hands. My aunt called the doctor and by the time he called around to the house to check on my mum he'd already got the surgery staff to make arrangements for my mother to be admitted to a hospice. My aunt called me this afternoon to let me know what has been arranged. I told her that I knew that I was being lied to about how ill mum was and that in reality I didn't think mum would live to see next Christmas. My aunt just said "don't leave it till Christmas to visit, in fact, make it sooner than later". I think this is it. I'm at the point now where I'm going to dread answering the phone, or reading email or anything because it's not going to be long before I get the call to give me "the news".

Knowing this is really weird. On the one hand I am swinging from wailing in complete despair, to screaming with rage. And on the other there is a kind of resigned calm. There is nothing I can do, so I'm just waiting for the end in the same way I suppose you would wait on a runaway train heading for the precipice. Things happen and suddenly you realise that you are only a puppet with some demonic god(dess) of fate pulling on the strings, laughing as you try to make sense of things.

Either that or the matrix is real and Agent Smith has it in for all of us.

Oh God!

Today has been an up and down day!

Firstly I just discovered that it is more expensive to go to Leicester than it is to go to London from Edinburgh. The train fair is dearer that the air fare but because I don't have a current passport flying is out.

Got home just in time to have a visit from a random computer genius, so set up the downloads he wanted and went to the corner for pizza. Arrived back to receive phone call from my aunt. My mother is very ill. She is apparently getting confused to the point that she can't look after herself properly, and isn't taking her meds properly. My aunt said that they are not sure if it's the meds that are confusing her or whether it's an effect of the cancer (i.e. is there a secondary tumour on her brain?) It doesn't help that my step-father has Alzheimer's and so cannot look after her - in reality he can't even look after himself properly any more. Unfortunately it seems that my mum is no longer in a position to be able to look after herself either, let alone look after my step-father.

There is going to be a big family conference to decide what needs to be done and it appears that my aunt is favouring a nursing home, because as she said they both do need nursing care, not just family members keeping an eye on them. I really don't want to do this though. I feel as though I should be the one looking after them but as my aunt says I am not a qualified nurse, I can't make decisions about their meds, or provide the level of care they need no matter how willing, so I feel like I'm just ending up as one of those absent kids who put their parents in a home because it's just too much of a hassle to look after them. I really don't know what to do because it feels as though what ever happens I will be wrong.

So maybe I should just put on a brave face and take all the criticism and judgment from the know-alls.

Time for hard truths

I have been (wrongly I might add) accused of adding "nasty comments" to She Who Shall Remain Nameless' web blog. When I ran into her partner at the pub I was accused of getting my friends to send the messages on my behalf (and before he tries to deny that, it was commented upon by several of the people who were listening to the exchange).

I am getting sick to death of the lies that are emanating from that place.

And of course, now despite all the insults, lies and slanders that SWSRN has thrown at me (as well as at several other people) I apparently owe her an apology. Presumably that is because I am (a) still breathing and (b) not bowing down and worshiping the ground that she walks on. I could probably think of several other things that the self indulgant wannabe princess will say I need to apologise to her over, but as you may have gathered I am not in the business of rolling over and pandering to peoples hyper-inflated egos unless they pay me a healthy salary to do so, and even then I'm likely to take the piss.

This latest campaign seems to be SWSRN attempting to divert attension away from the fact that through her own rudeness she has upset a lot of people, and rather than do the honorable thing and apologise is trying to turn the very people who she has insulted into the people who are preying on her.

Well hello honey, welcome to the real world. Be rude to people and they get upset with you, try and turn it around so that you're the injured party and people think you are a nutter. Especially, when you go around accusing everyone who has ever upset you of being a dangerous looney, and at last count there were about half a dozen people she was calling dangerous looneys - that may have increased by now, though I wouldn't know because I'm not talking to her, and if I didn't have to keep fending off the latest accusation I don't think I would even acknowledge her existance. I don't take these accusations of hers that people are loony seriously, I mean in the normal course of daily life there are only so many dangerous maniacs that you are going to run into, unless that is, you work in a Psychiatic Unit, but she doesn't so, to be quite frank, she's over her quota.

So what to do?

Pooh!

Well I have just looked at the bills that have come in the post and I am seriously wondering how I am going to survive in Edinburgh without a job. At the moment I am being a drain on my partner's funds, in that whilst I'm not working I don't have enough coming in to pay the bills and he is subsidising me. It isn't cheap running two properties, two sets of electricity bills, phone bills, etc, so that by moving back to Manchester we would be saving nearly a thousand pounds a month.

Not withstanding the fact that my partner and I have been living apart for almost three years, which now getting to the point where it is a strain to be together because we have forgotten what it is like to be a couple.

And then of course I would be close to my mother who has lung cancer and is more ill than she lets on.

However, there is an equally compelling downside to moving back south. Firstly Manchester is a dump, it has odd highlights, but on the whole it could only be improved by the judicious use of a small thermonuclear device. Then I have a social life here with lots of great people that I meet at the Holyrood etc, which I wouldn't like to lose.

Finally there is the matter of timing. If I move back south now it gives a certain person an excuse to say that she has driven me away, and that she was right all along, and that I am an evil nasty bitch that no one in their right mind should speak to. but coming from a woman who is behaving like a five year old and who thinks that she owns the lives of all those that come into contact with her. Maybe if she got a job and stopped freeloading off others she'd get a sense of proportion

Oh I say!

State Troopers and Texas Rangers have been put on alert to find and detain 59 Texan Democrats, who staged a walkout from the state legislature on Monday. It was a move that came too late as the missing lawmakers were already over the border staying at a hotel in Ardmore, Oklahoma, where they plan to stay until the deadline for first passage of bills had passed.

And it's all over redistricting.

Apparently the Republicans won a majority in the Texas legislature and now want to redistrict in such a way that they will gain 5 extra seats. This despite the Texan redistricting should have happened two years ago but as a result of political shenanigans was put into the hands of the Courts. The newly elected Republican's, at the behest of their leaders in Washington, feel that the even handed approach of the Courts is not to be trusted and so their version (giving them the extra seats) is much more favourable and fair. Can you spell gerrimandered?

The down side of this is that several other important bills will also be scuppered by the walkout.

However, I can see the point of the Democrats actions. Within the package there are a number of bills that are aimed at giving extra benefits to the haves whilst reducing the benfits to the have-nots. (The Republicans want to push through a budget that will slash public spending but not raise taxes, and also another bill to put limits on lawsuits). The Republicans have acquired a huge majority, much like the one the Tories under Thatcher had, and are using that to force through legislation, much like the Tories did under... well you get the picture. The only way the Democrates have of stopping unpleasant legislation is to stop the House being quorate and this they are doing very effectively. That the leader of he House has ordered the law enforcment agencies to find and arrest these objectors raises serious concerns over the future of democracy in Texas.

Read more about this here and here and here and on many other sites listed at Google

The Email Saga Continues

Apparently it isn't my configuration that is wrong (well it is, but that isn't what is causing the problem). It appears that Blueyonder are at it again. Some spammer is sending a "dictionary attack" and has overloaded the mail servers. It would be funny if it wasn't for the fact that this happened to Blueyonder last year and they don't seem to have learned any lessons from it. Meanwhile all the email I thought had been eaten is slowly filtering into my inbox including the test emails one of my fellow IRC-ers send on Saturday night.

Technology, don't you just love it.

Bl***y Computers

If any one is thinking of emailing me - don't. Something in my configuration has gone splat and fetchmail is pulling in my emails but they are not getting to my inbox. I haven't a clue as to where they are going but looking at the archives on the mailing lists I subscribe to I reckon that I'm missing over 500 emails from the last two days alone. Personally I blame the friend who originally set my mail configuration, and as it's done in a such a weird and wooly manner there is no one on any of the help forums that can tell me how to fix the problem.

It looks as though I am going to have to wait until the next time there is an ObT around and see if he will set my mail system up into something usable.

Oh-Oh

Well that's been an interesting day, and it isn't over yet. Apparently She Who Shall Remain Nameless is upset that another candidate for the current Scottish election appointed me as a Polling Agent. I like being a Polling Agent, it means I get to go to any Polling place in the district and harass the Election staff on the excuse that I am observing that the election is being administed fairly and in accordance with the Representation of the People Act. It also means I get to go to the Count.

Now I let slip to She Who Shall Remain Nameless's other half, at which point he decided that the other candidate was a "fuckwit" because this will upset SWSRN. Furthermore, today either SWSRN or her other half (not sure which - I'll need to clarify that) rang the Candidate who I an Polling Agent for and lambasted him for allowing me to attend the Count. Apparently I'm a lunatic who is going out of my way to go to places so that SWSRN cannot go.

Now as I read that, it means that I am not allowed to speak with anyone, or go to any public house, or any cinema, theatre or book event, or set foot outside of my flat because she might just want to go to the same thing and if I'm there SWSRN cannot possibly attend, and I have to live my life in such a way that I cannot cause any offence of upset to her. Yeah right!

This is the woman who thinks that insulting people is funny, and when you tell her it isn't gives you a mouthful of abuse. This is the woman who has never had a proper job in her life and so can't comprehend why those who do would really like to keep them. This is the woman who allegedly cannot lie but is regularly caught out in some enormous whoppers.

So do I become a nun and avoid all social content to keep her happy, or do I give her a big up yours?

Phew!

I think my stalker might have seen that he isn't having any effect on me. Somebody who I don't even know said that he actually sounded like an obsessed nutter and following that he has removed all the offensive material that was posted on Live Journal. On the advise of the abuse team I did however, save the journal, so that I still have evidence for any impending legal actions. I still, of course, have all the email logs, that prove beyond doubt that my unknown hero is in fact right, and I have to thank all the people who emailed, phoned or called around to offer support. The stalker tried to put himself in the position of being the vicitm, yet he was the one who was going out of his way to harass me. I have had to have my phone calls on both my land line and mobile screened, my email account set to reject mail from this person, I had to ban him from commenting on my live journal, and set anonymous comments to screened, and with each block I put in place he tried to find away around it. Does that actually make him sound like the victim? No I didn't think so. Unfortunately I find that I am not the only person who has suffered at his hands. There are a couple of people who are so traumatised by my stalker that they are genuinely afraid at the mere mention of his name. For them I am pleased that I made a stand. This guy's name is now lodged with the Police, and investigations are continuing. Even if he only gets a slap on the wrist this time, it means that the next person he tries this on will have more protection and so on down the line. I have suffered the emotional trauma of a paranoid obsessive trying to turn me into some sort of a monster, but I have refused to lie down and let him demonise me.

And finally, I would once again like to thank my unknown hero, who I don't think knows quite how much he has helped me, and all those who did support me.

OOPS!!!!

I should have done this update last night but I was going through final arrangements for next week with a friend.

Going to see Metropolis tonight at the Filmhouse with Andrew and Lorna. Meeting at the Starbucks opposite the old ABC on Lothian Road at 5:15 pm. Any of the usual K Jackson's crowd and anyone else who knows us are all welcome to come and join in.

Happiness is...

Sitting on your own, listening to calming music, with a large tub of Haagen Dazs Toffee Creme. Okay I might only have a few spoonfuls but there is no one here to demand their share.

Bliss...

I had a really good relaxing night tonight. Went around to Claudio's to have the latest lesson in cooking Italian food. Today's lesson: pizza and antipasto. Aubergine slices roasted in olive oil and served with a spicy dip, a simple pizza margherita and an aubergine and mushroom pizza (well it was a big aubergine). I had always thought that pizza dough was really hard to make but it is so simple, easier than ordinary bread. And homemade is always scrummier than shop bought.

Yummy!

Favorite restaurant is open again after major refurbishment works. It's absolutely fab. The area that used to be smoking is now non-smoking, they've added an extension at the back that is now the smoking area and there is a huge new "Party Room". There's a new menu too, with lots of yummy additions, (polenta, spagetti served with mixed veg). I need to check my bank balance because I can't wait to be testing all the new things.

UPDATE: Wednesday 16 April 2003

Oh it has been so busy around here what with one thing and another, that I have only just had time to sit down to thing about the things that happened on the Wednesday bash. Got to the Tav late because I was rebuilding part of the network, cables everywhere. I really need to get some truncking and run the cat 5 under the floorboards. As ordered by I wore the lycra top of impossible cleavage (that was one of my best buys in Gap, it's only lycra but it gives the same support as a loose fitting ribbon corset). There was the point when we tried the Mexican boob jiggle, though being the Tav no one batted an eyelid. Sarah introduced me to a friend of hers (sorry can't remember your name) who is looking to get her first corset and didn't know what she wanted, so that set up a discussion that seemed to take in half the women in the place as well as a couple of the men.

Some of the writers were in the pub so as things started quieten down just before closing, I sank into the sofa but as they were discussing the planning for a forthcoming event I ended up talking with and a couple of people he was with about value of culture, of life and the media perception of it's value. Said cheerio to them at closing time and went with the writers on to Favorit. Nice cafe bar open till 3am with great food. Finally got kicked out of there at 3:30 (we think the staff wanted to lock up) and headed home, sun was already up before I finally got to bed and so I'm now completely out of sync wanting to sleep during the day and party at night. Ho hum!

Oh-Oh

It would appear that my stalker is now enlisting the help of others to attack me. A poor wee innocent thing by all accounts. Well I don't doubt that. I wonder if she is aware that her "hero" wanted me to try to get in with her so that I could report back. Yes. He was pushing me to be her best buddy so I could let him have all the juicy gossip about her, including who was her boyfriend because at the time she wasn't telling, and is she was sleeping with anyone else. She also better beware, because it was only 12 months ago he was declaring how I was his "Chosen One", so when she gets fed up of his demands on her time she will have to suffer the same barrage I'm getting now.

Stalker Alert

It's official, I have a stalker. There is now a police incident about this person. Whilst I didn't want to put anything that would identify him in my journal and I have been very careful not to name him I find that I am now forced to do so. I have used all avenues to try to stop him from contacting me. I have made a call to the abuseteam of my phone company who are going to work with the police. I have blocked his login from commenting on my journal, I have all anonymous messages screened, though I was going to have all comments blocked, but this might be counter productive. I have logged an abuse call with the LJ abuse team and basically I am doing everything I can to get it across to this person that he (a) isn't frightening me (whilst really he is) and (b) I don't give a rat's arse about the lies and crap that he is spouting. I have email logs which I will make freely available to any of my friends who ask that actually prove beyond any doubt that this guy is talking out of his arse. Whilst I do not want anyone to take sides in this, I think that the various abuse teams, police and myself can handle this adequately, I feel that it is only fair to warn everyone who has me listed as a friend that this person may start to use your comment space to gain access to me. If this happens I would ask that if you have email logging on that you forward a copy of the email on to me at rathgild (@) blueyonder dot co dot uk so that I can add it to the pile of other stuff that I have retrieved from my backups, in relation to this guy. If you don't want to pass them to me there is an incident report at Lothian and Borders Police I expect that you will be able to pass it directly to them quoting incident number 545 17/4/2003.

And now for the bit that I find really hard the naming of the culprit. The journal that he created purely to harass me is [deleted]. He had gone out of his way to pay for an account here and his only postings are as I said a pile of delusional witterings, and I repeat anyone who wishes to compare what he is saying in that account with real events can upon request to have a copy of the email back up.

Tip of the Day!

For all you out there in blogland who wear contact lenses please heed the following advise.

First put your lenses in, then brush your teeth.

Even washing your hands after brushing teeth still leaves faint traces of toothpaste on your fingers which gives your eyes that zingy, minty, wide awake sensation, which is kind of weird.

That was a public service announcement.

Oh that was so funny!

Stalker has removed the postings. However he seems to have forgotten that some people save webpages to their hard drive, so that they can be posted as attachments to abuse reports. Duh!

Like I said before though it is all lies that are easily refuted, so anyone who knows me, (that's the Tav crowd, the KJ lot, the swimmers, the corsetiers, and sundry other reprobates) are more than welcome to come around and read the emails from said stalker direct from the mail server. Hey that's it! Why don't we have a party, and we can sit around getting drunk and pissing ourselves laughing at the emails where he is saying all the things he is trying to claim I said. I nearly fell off my chair when he said I was only making accusations based on collusion with an ex-friend of mine who is also an enemy of his. No I got no info from that source, but there are, of course, the hundreds of other people that he has pulled the same crap on who are all only too pleased to dish a bit of dirt back.

Some saddo out there in internet land thinks that he can frighten me by using lies and threats to intimidate me. Fortunately for me I have email logs that prove that what he is saying is complete b****x so I couldn't give a rats arse about his opinion. However, his ISP seem to be interested and so do the police.

Oh Boy

It seems that a certain person of my acquaintance has thrown another wobbly. God knows what is going on in his mind, but apparently I am threatening him (whereas the opposite is the case). Last time this happened my ISP were reporting him to the police as a potential stalker who would pose a physical threat to me (and having gone back through the email logs I can see why). This time it's because I made a comment that it would have been nice to see him up but I realised that I wasn't friend enough to warrant his travelling half way across the country, to which he responded with a barrage of abuse. I think this guy is sick. For example: he threatens me then accuses me of threatening him. He can not or will not take responsibility for his own actions and always projects his unacceptable behaviour onto someone else and plays at being the innocent victim/bystander. It's very tiring dealing with him because just to say hello you have to consider how many ways that can be taken as an insult, attack, accusation or threat. I find it hard to outright condemn him because over the time I have known this person it is clear that there is something weird going on that drives him and I really wish he would get help, because he has the potential to be a great guy.

But it is my own fault, half the world and his dog warned me away from him, all saying that he is a womaniser, bully, fantasist, etc and I didn't listen, not even to the people who said that he was a downright psycho and I should watch my back because "you never know what harm he could do me". I'm just glad that I have plenty of friends who know of him and know what he is like who will watch my back.

Meanwhile I worry about anyone else who has got mixed up with him that doesn't have this support network, because who knows what might happen.

Ho Hum!

It would appear that she who shall not be named (because I'm one of the mad people attacking her) has finally got herself into a position were lots of people are likely to stop talking to her. It would apear that the rude and thoughtless comment she made under the pretence that it was a joke is likely to lose someone their job. If this does happen she will suddenly find herself unwelcome in a lot of places.

I've had enough!

I am retreating into the examination room to wash my hair and get ready for my leaving do tonight. having been somewhat crafty I have tied this in with my normal Thursday night drinking session, so if anyone who knows me is remotely interested I'll be in K Jacksons from about 8pm onwards.

Bloody computers

I have three computers that are working after a fashion and nowhere to put them. That will be fixed shortly as I have acquired a desk from work that was going to be put into a skip. It was deemed as being too small to work on, so was replaced by a huge thing that has half an acre of working area. However, as my flat is tiny, a small desk is perfect.

Meanwhile....

At work I have about half a day's work to do and the best part of a day and a half to do it but the iMac has decided to play silly sods and keeps crashing. I open a browser... crash. I open my email... crash. I sneeze too loudly... crash. I think it knows that I am leaving and has decided to go on strike. Not that I actually care a flying fart. I can't remember the last time I was so looking forward to unemployment. This could be something to do with the way the boss has gone off on annual leave without even bothering to say cheerio, or thanks for all your work, or anything. Or it might be the way that I have been given the shittiest jobs to do (like the ones that you'd be embarrassed to ask the office junior to do as a favour) and has had life and death importance put upon them. I've worked late, I've worked weekends and all I've had in return is complaints that tasks aren't being done quickly enough. The only problem with not working is the lack of money, but if the worst came to the worst I could always move back to Manchester and become a lady of leisure, or get my other half to finance me through a degree of something. So even that isn't too bad, I suppose.

Fun with computers

Got up relatively early on Saturday. Okay so 9:45 isn't that early, but seeing as I hadn't gone to bed till about 3:30am I think I did well. A friend came around at 10:00 and we went off to Maplin's to get one of their motherboard/CPU/fan offers. We also got a case and a few other bits and pieces. Walked home with purchases, stopping off at Henderson's for lunch (giant potato, spinach and cheese croquette, with a three of the salads on the side and a nice big glass of fresh fruit smoothie to wash it down - yummm).

Arrived home inspected purchases, and took existing computers off line. Opened up the boxes to see what was where and decide what additional bits were needed (not much). Friend had some things to do at his home so we went to the cash point for more dosh, on to another computer shop for the missing bits (RAM, hard drive, ect) and we each went to our respective homes.

Friend came around later and we built the new machine, set it up to install the OS and set up my old machine so that we could transfer the data from one to the other. At that point we called it a night.

Sunday wasn't such an early start (about noon). Friend has a machine that is in a half size case and is running out of room , whereas I am going to have a firewall machine with next to nothing in a full size case, so we were going to swap them over.

Problem one

Both machines are old, but not of exactly the same vintage so whilst my stuff would happy go into his case, his wouldn't go into mine (power supply cables were different). We thought about swapping the power supplies but the switch on one wouldn't work in the other case.

Put everything back and then my power supply unit failed completely. Not a problem I have a spare. We balance the spare PSU on the case and wired it up, the machine booted okay. So we swapped it for the broken supply. At this point the newly installed supply decided not to work. Anyway it was Sunday, it was late, and I had work today so we left it.

I set up what was my old machine (and is now going to be a windows (games) machine) and started playing Command and Conquer to relax before bed only to discover

Problem Two

The CDROM is cutting out intermittently. It was working fine right through the first mission but then just died, causing the game and by extention the machine to crash. I rebooted and this time the CD wasn't even detected, three attempts later it recognised the CD and spat the disk out but when I closed the tray it had decided that the disk wasn't there again.

The result is that I now have three machines that are currently about as much use as door stops and no time till next weekend to get things up and running. It seems that whoever said that computers were going to make life easier was lying.

Ha!

Last night I went to the pub. She who is trying to make out that she is being maligned behaved as though my being there had spoilt her whole night. Went to the pub tonight she stood on her own at the bar having done a u-turn upon seeing me. Do I look like someone who cares? Yeah your right.

It's getting to the point where she is looking like a complete prat, and people are actually noticing this and commenting that she is behaving like a five year old. And I just sit there and smile and ignore her. You see I have learned that I can hold my own with people, I don't need to make other people look small to make myself look big. I grant that I have a nasty temper that wise people do not get on the wrong side of. More importantly, I've decided that I am going to have a social life and if some psychotic attention seeker wants to fantasize about my being a threat to them then okay. If they want to lie about me - fine. I know the truth, the people that know me know the truth, and it isn't actually hurting me. The person who is behaving like a brain dead twat is on the other hand starting to get bad press as people notice the stupidity. Lets face it, if you insist on being the center of attention when you're actually a complete bore, people tend to be glad to see the back of you.

I knew it!

Got the letter telling me that I hadn't got the job I was interviewed for.

Shall I just slit my wrists now and be done with it?

Poo!

Got a letter from the University today. I had a feeling that it was a rejection letter, so took a couple of deep breaths prior to opening it, and guess what, it was. However, it was telling me that I hadn't been invited for interview for one of the posts I'd applied for, which is good news I suppose, though I'm still waiting for news of the job I was interviewed for. I'm not holding my breath though.

Not a great deal I can say. Great march, excellent turnout (though the police estimated down the numbers - again). Noticed that Plod thought that the American Express shop and the McDonald's next door to it needed special protection (????). Met lots of people I knew, made some new contacts. Generally had a good time, whilst letting it be known that I oppose the illegal and immoral actions that Blair is forcing upon our troops. The biggest surprise was as we were going up Lothian Road, a group went through the barriers and totally blockaded the road. Unfortunately by the time I was at the spot Plod was stopping more people joining and so after a bit of deliberation most of the people at the back of the march carried on toward the Meadows. The march was really spread out at this point. A couple of the drivers stuck in the traffic were sounding their car horns and giving us the thumbs up. Many more were waving and giving the thumbs up sign. A group of young people on a bus started cheering and chanting. I suddenly realised that whilst the govt are busy saying that the protesters are a vocal minority, there are many more people out there who are against this madness that just don't want to get involved with the marches. I can understand it to a point.

These anti-war demo's, like all others end up being hijacked by other groups who want to make their cause visible, so there are the inevitable speeches that are nothing to do with the issue we were protesting. But, hey, that's all part of the fun, though I do wish that the organisers would realise how it alienates people.

Walked home, stopping off at Waterstones where I spent too much money (I know, it's traditional), but the end result was that I was in bed reading till about 5 am (Fatherland - Robert Harris been promising myself that I would read that for at least the last five years) and so didn't get out of bed till past noon. Of course, that has lead to the usual tired clumsiness, so I now have a wound on the back of my ankle that is gushing blood, and a laminate wooden floor that is going to need a going over with the mop. Hope it heals for the next march.

After complaining of the massacre in Iraq whilst waiting for my curry at the local carry out, (exactly what is the military significance of a museum dedicated to the life of a country's leader), I was surprised to be given a gift of The Quran by one of the members of staff. I thanked him politely, and left without knowing what else to say. No hard sell "this is the only true religion" stuff that you get from the likes of the Jehovah's Witnesses,etc. Just the simple words "Please accept this as a gift from me to you".

Strangely touching.

WOW!

Having been up most of the night being mostly shocked by the news footage of Baghdad being blanket bombed, I slept in and missed the beginning of the anti-war march. Got into town and managed to duck in as it was crossing the top of Leith Street. Met a few new people and had some nice chats about various issues, made a few new contacts. There was apparently a scuffle somewhere at the back of the march and a few people were arrested, though the reports from many witnesses were that the people arrested were doing nothing and that the police were heavy handed using batons. A police officer who spoke to the crowd said that the arrests were for minor incidents and that the people would be processed and released shortly. However, by the time we had heard all the speakers no one had been released to it was decided that we would all move on and block the junction of Princes Street, Lothian Road, Shandwick Place. That turned into an open mike and a bit of a party. Met up with and and had an interesting discussion and planning session for next weekends protest.

Crowd then all moved on to St Leonard Police Station to demand the release of the arrested people.
Police tried to keep stopping the march at various junctions and to direct the route of the march but the marchers were having none of that. The police horses were great. They went virtually all the way over the bridges backwards and horses do not normally like doing that. Anyway we finally got to the police station, the crowd settled down for a long wait and the banter began.

An example:

Protester 1: I want to see Inspector Rebus
Protester 2: Is he the Rankin officer? [1]

After a while as it was getting dark and I hadn't eaten much, I decided that home would be a good idea. And now I am waiting with a mixture of excitement and dread over the action that I have volunteered myself for next week because when I told my mother I was protesting, she told me not to get myself arrested. Of course, she did then tell me not to go hitting any more policemen, so I suppose that she thinks hitting policewomen will be fine. Well okay maybe not.

[1] For those who don't know Inspector Rebus is the central character in a series of crime novels by Ian Rankin. They are set in Edinburgh and have Rebus based at St Leonards Police Station.

Anti-War Protests

I was just sent a post on a mailing list about a feminist protest plan. Full details follow, though it's not one for the narrow-minded.

Tampons for Peace

Against the war in Iraq? SEND BUSH A TAMPON!

From March 15th to April 1st, people all over the country are going to send President Bush a tampon that has been dyed red (with marker, paint, food coloring, anything but actual blood--that would be a biohazard...) along with the message:

"YOU WANT BLOOD?

HAVE SOME BLOOD.

FEMINISTS AGAINST THE WAR.

~
By sending these tampons we are saying that just as we won't be silent about our bodies, we won't be silent about our opposition to this war. Silence is compliance. Silence is undemocratic. We make a connection between blood shed for life and the blood our supposed enemies shed in death. We say not by our blood, not in the name of the American people."

Get your friends together for a tampon staining party--it'll be fun *and* productive! Try to mail your tampons in the second half of March (the earlier the better, but any time is okay) to The White House / 1600 Pennsylvania Ave NW / Wash, DC 20500.

That way President Bush can absorb the heavy flow of anti-war sentiment!

I thought it might be fun to do something similar, but then I remembered that the Government charge VAT on "women's hygiene products" so they still be making revenue out of the protest.

Could still be worth it though.

Dammit. I'd forgotten how much fun civil disobedience can be

Ahem!

Arrived late yesterday evening for what turned out to be a very enjoyable anti-war march. Met lots of new people, got hugs and email addresses from people I've never met before and have generally started networking. Was pointedly ignored by the person who I've had the altercation with. Notice that I was blocked from accessing their LJ, and the rumour mill is that there were nasty and potentially untrue comments made. Of course, because I wasn't able to see them and the rumour mill suggested that these entries have now been deleted, I can't comment on what I was told they said. I'm just left thinking that it's bloody typical of this person. Always been known as an attention seeking backstabber.

And so It begins...

The deadline has passed and now there is the uneasy calm waiting for the first bombs to start dropping on Baghdad, and the woman giving the weather forecast is prattling on about having nice enough weather to sit out in the garden over the weekend. I am screaming at the screen to shut up and doesn't she know that hundreds, possibly thousands of people will be dead by then. There is a world wide alert of possible terrorist attacks against British citizens. And I feel guilty, that there is something I could have done to stop this. I know it's a stupid sentiment, I've done what I can. I've lobbied my MP and given praise when he voted against the government, I've bunked off work to go on marches, I've been on the candlelit vigil and signed on-line petitions, but it hasn't been enough.

It's depressing.

An interesting and strangely appropriate quotation

I'm on quite a few mailing lists and today from one list (KabbalahConcepts) I received a post as follows:

"Hate to hurt.....

Conquer the will to kill.....

Revenge is wrong.....

Be fearful of being brutal.....

Force ferocity to be subdued.....

Cruelty is something we recognize so easily as a physical activity,
yet find so hard to identify in its finer but no less dangerous forms.
It is essentially a misuse of power by a strong entity toward a weaker
one on the same plane of action.....

Cruelty is only possible as a calculated discharge of destructive
energy directed at feebler creatures unlikely to retaliate
effectively.....

The motivation of cruelty is commonly again the artificial
ego-enlargement resultant from its practice.....

If we can make others frightened of us we seem larger by comparison to
their shrinking. That is the secret of cruelty. A false sense of boost
because of aggressive action which appears to avoid injurious
reprisals. To hurt and kill some helpless and defenseless creature
makes cruel people feel enormously powerful by contrast.....

Nobody hates being hurt more than those who hurt with hate.....

Let those who think they could not be cruel examine what conscience
they have within their own life-frameworks."

- William G. Gray (The Tree of Evil)


I was struck by how much this sums up my feelings. Bush is a bully, his country has been hurt and humiliated and as a bully he cannot accept this. His abhorrence of his country being hurt goes so far as to be hatred. It is this hatred that is in turn turned outward to other counties. 9/11 made him turn to the Taliban in Afghanistan, and so the might of the US military bombed the people a bit further into the stone-age that had been caused by years of conflict with the Soviet Union and subsequent neglect under the Talibs. Having seen the Afghan regime crumble under the weight of US munitions, Bush looked around at who else he could bully, and there was Iraq. I expect in Bush's mind Saddam had humiliated his daddy, and so the hatred grew and with the puffed up chest of a bully who has won one playground battle, he starts his next campaign. And so Iraq will be destroyed.

Which leaves one question.

Who will be next?

It won't be the UK as Tony Blair is following along like the smarmy little kid who held the bully's coat while the schoolyard beatings took place, giving the sly kick now and again to ingratiate himself further with his master. But just like in the playground, when this current war is over everyone will be looking over their shoulders, because to a cruel bully on a winning streak everyone is a target.

Many thanks to Jacobus Swart for allowing me to use his post

United States of Terrorists

I said some time ago that it was the USA and UK govts that were the real terrorists in this soon to be fought war. So it is with mixed feelings that I point you to this link about the proposed campaign plan from the US military. Why do I feel like this is just a bad dream and if only I could wake up everything would be okay?

139 Labour MP's rebel against the Govt

The full list of MP's who voted against the Govt in the war vote last night are listed on the BBC's website.

It's surprising the number of big names that are on there, like Diane Abbot, Tony Banks and Robin Cook. There are also a couple of names I wouldn't have expected to see. I worked with the Labour Party in Leeds many years ago and some of the MP's from that area I know from when they were City and Met County Councillors (that kind of dates it - Thatcher abolished the Met Counties with the GLC, but I digress). Whilst some like John Battle have disappointed me over the past few years with the way they seemed to have forgotten what Labour principles were about, others have lived up to their past image of being little more that political up-suckers, changing their stance to whatever is likely to get another rung higher on the political ladder.

Well I have been surprised. I have to take back my bad mouthing about John Battle, he showed that he has maintained some integrity after all. Most surprising was Jon "How can I turn this to my advantage" Trickett. This is a man who would made the stereotypical used car salesmen look honest and respectable. I'd never have expected him to rebel against the govt in a million years, cash in on the misfortunes of those who get sidelined by rebelling yes, but to see his name in the list of rebels - well I nearly fell off my chair.

I also noticed that Claire Short's name was conspicuous by it's absence from the list. I think she should have resigned when she threatened to, because now she is a political laughing stock and no one will take her seriously. Damn and I was hoping that she would make a challenge for the party leadership. Shows how wrong I was.

Somebody clearly doesn't like the truth to be told. I'm suddenly barred from their LJ so that they can bitch behind my back. Just that persons style.Whereas if I have a bitch it's in public for all to see. Hey I might just really set the cat amongst the pidgeons and let the whole world know the sordid little secrets.

Okay so it's sinking down to that person's lack of morals, but hey I have nothing to loose, whereas they...

Oh Gawd please no!

I appears my feeling grot is nothing to do with the beer. I'm been progressively turning down the brightness of my iMac's screen till it's now as low as it goes yet it is still too bright. I can't deal with noise, and now I'm starting to see blotches of light that are blinding me.

Yikes it looks like it's a migrane

WTF?

Candlelit Vigil was cool, met up with some folks from work, and later with Steve. Went to the pub for food and beer. I only had two pints of Stella yet this morning I have a headache that would imply I'd drunk a hell of a lot more. It seems that suddenly I can't hold my beer. This is not good.

Apparently, the person that I've fallen out with is unsocialised and a bad liar. Yes, this person took the old tale that lying is bad to the point were they think that even the "diplomatic white lies" are a sign of hypocracy.

Yes?? Then why is it that I have caught this person out in some real whoppers, and a discussion tonight has revealed that other people have caught the person out in equally big porkies too. Including the one where said person was telling everyone that the live in partner knew all about the affaires and didn't mind, when of course the opposite was true. Hell, I even provided alibis at one point and after the partner threw a wobbly over one "fling" I had to have the "lover" staying with me. I could cite more.

But tell me is this the behaviour of someone who is so taken with the idea that lying is bad that they cannot lie at all?

Nah, didn't think so.

Oh Deity

In the backlash of a home truths saga, I've just hit out at a friend. Not a really good close friend but someone who is getting there (it takes a long time for me to consider anyone trustworthy enough to make the transistion from acquaintance to friend and it's even harder for friend's to make it up to "good" or "best" friend - I suppose that comes from having so called friends doing the dirty too many times in the past.) Anyway, this friend seems to be trying to get me to be friends with another of his friends, whereas my gut instincts are that I don't want this other person knowing I exist much less getting to know them, and it seems to have hit a raw nerve or something. To cut a long (and personal) story short, I ended up bursting into tears and screaching down the phone like some demented banshee about how crap my life is and how I wish I was dead, and other things. And now I think I have totally scared the poor guy off because, lets face it, who in their right mind is going to invest time in showing that they are trustworthy to a hysterical woman, just you can say that she's a mate.

So now I really, really wish I were dead

French Miltary Victories

I've just been on the phone to my long suffering other half, who has been told of "The Whole Sorry Affair" or at least the bits that concern me. Of course this turned out to be a very long phone call with emails being read to him in their entirety. His opinion is that I have every right to be upset over some of the things that have been said, that the excuses that are being put forward for the other person's behaviour is a load of bullshit, that I am right in thinking that said other person is playing for sympathy and is generally being selfish, arrogant and rude, and that no I am not over-reacting.

Anyway to cheer me up he pointed me to something.

Go to Google and search for french military victories. Click on the button that says I'm feeling lucky and see what comes up.

It made me smile for all of 2 seconds, which is an achievement considering my mood.

Life? Don't talk to me about life

I wish I was anywhere other than where I am today. I wish I was anyone other than who I am. At the moment I really wish I was dead.

Planning for the future

As I sit here in my rabbit hutch of a flat, I have a sudden realisation that I need to start planning things, in relation to work, home, relationship, etc.

Everything is at a funny point. My partner is in Manchester so I don't see him as often as I would like. We have to vacate the Manchester flat by the end of this month (we've got another one close by to move into). My current job finishes on 14th April and at the moment I have nothing to go to and I'm starting to get worried about what I'll do. Of course, I have next to no social life in Edinburgh and based on happenings over the last day or so what little I have is going to tail off into absolutely nothing.

So now I am left thinking of what to do.

There are a couple of options, first of which is that I could go back to Manchester, seeing as the other half is having difficulty getting job in Edinburgh. The other is that I could struggle through unemployment getting myself into debt in the hope that a job will turn up. Whilst I don't want to go back to Manchester, it would remove the expense of running two flats and I would have the support of my partner.

Edinburgh is a nice place to live but somewhat expensive, and as I've basically just decided that I have had enough of my alleged best friend, who seems to think that being abusive is a joke, that anyone who objects has no sense of humour, and when taken to task over her abusiveness goes into a whole victim performance that is worthy of an Oscar in it's depth and scope, my social life is going from virtually non existant to completely non existant. So it might as well be non existant with people who actually treat friends as friends, not as a verbal punch bag as amusement du jour.

Of course, I could do something completely radical

Candle Light Vigils

It appears that as Bush and Blair move into the final preparations of their plan for total world domination, that there is still much life left in the peace movement.

The latest is for a candle light vigil to be held on the evening of 16th March at 7pm

MoveOn.org and the Win Without War coalition, together with Archbishop Desmond Tutu and many faith-based organizations, are calling this vigil. Beginning in New Zealand, a rolling wave of candlelight gatherings will quickly cross the globe. It's up to you to make this happen. Organizers are hoping that thousands of small groups around the world will be inspired to come together and stand for peace.

Anybody know whether this is going ahead in Edinburgh and if so where it is to be held. Princess Street Gardens would seem a good option.

Oh Joy!

University libraries are very interesting places. For example, yesterday I just checked out the following texts:

The Greek Magical Papyri in Translation and
Papyri Graecae Magicae/Der Griechischen Zauberpapyri (2 vols)

So if you want a spell for "Fever with shivering fits" I can supply it in English, Greek or German.

I used to have a life...

There are so many things that I wanted to up put in here but I haven't had the time. I think it is something to do with having to work until almost 10 pm most nights and barely getting time for lunch breaks much less a life

Couple of high and low lights are:

Last Wednesday leaving work at 10pm to be confronted by a fox in the hospital grounds. Never knew they could manage such a look of contempt, (they must be related to cats). Got cab to Holyrood Tavern got nowhere near drunk enough but still managed to crush fingers between the door and wall whilst leaving the loos. (Thanks to all who fussed and helped, it wasn't a bad injury, it just felt like it was)

Thursday: Bunked off work early (4pm) to go on the Edinburgh Anti-War demo. Heckled the pro-Palestinian speaker. After all when the Israeli government was adhereing to the peace policy, what happened? Yup, Palestinian suicide bombers attacking pizza palours crowded with teenagers, supermarkets on the main shopping day, school buses etc, etc. Of course, this is acceptable, but just let Israel increase security to try to stop the suicide bombers and they are being aggressive and breaking human rights treaties. Is it any wonder that the Israelis voted for Sharon? The people went along with the peace process because the hoped that everyone would be able to live together and not worry about their children being blow to bits, and all that happened was more of their children were being blown to bits. In all the "evil Israel" messages no-one mentions that rich arab countries actually pay large sums to the families of suicide bombers, that many of these Islamic Palestinian groups probably have stronger connections with Al-Qaeda than Iraq.

Saturday night: Stayed up to watch the motor racing. Coulthard won - poo! - as if his head isn't big enough.