Life is beginning to settle down again so hopefully I will be blogging a bit more regularly.

Keep looking, you never know when I might get inspiration.

Long time no blog

Well there has been a huge amount going on in my life including my mother dying so if you don't like it that I haven't updated since February - tough!

Couple of news points. I have a Live Journal account here. I have also started a web design course
so have web space here though as yet there is nothing to see. Keep checking though as things will change. There were problems with my ISP mangling all my html into frontpage-ese so the webpage in the links section is currently dead. At some point I will fix the links section, but like I said I'm busy so it might take a while to get a round tuit.

Also, Edinburgh has been a nightmare this year during the festival, so if you are a festival tourist, here is a frustrated local's message to you.

FUCK OFF HOME!

It's not that I have anything against the tourists and the revenue that they bring to the city, I just wish they wouldn't block entire pavements so that those of us with only one hour for lunch can't get anywhere. Just remember that although YOU are on holiday here, there are some people that aren't and they are trying to live their lives as normally as possible.

Hello....

      ...(goodbye)

Well not really. For the people that have emailed asking where I am, I am still around but I'm feeling intermittently depressed and/or anti-social. If you've mailed and I've not answered, I haven't fallen out with you and I'm not ignoring you because you've upset me. It's just I can't be bothered and besides I don't feel like talking/mailing anyone. If you've missed me at the pub (or wherever) I was too depressed/upset/antisocial (delete as applicable) to be arsed. Nothing personal, it's not you, it's just something I'm going through. It will pass. Time will heal. Etc.....

Anyway, as I finally motivated myself to update this I thought I would pass on the two little snippets that I have found recently.

Firstly, if you are into having trendy Chinese or Japanese words tattooed across your body make sure you have a trustworthy Chinese/Japanese speaking friend with you. Otherwise the results may not be what you expect. Story here

Also, in light of the current SCO mess any Linux geeks watching might be interested in here.

Normal service will be resumed... Eventually... Sometime... Maybe... Well probably. Though what is normal and does anybody ever achieve normality anyway?

Bad day at the track

Some people will know that I used to be a motor racing marshal until an unfortunate incident in a gravel trap left me with a badly injured knee, making track side work impossible. I still like motor racing and watch races whenever I get the opportunity and I keep as up to date as possible with the rule changes, etc.

So today I was watching Formula One on TV. It was the British Grand Prix, which I have only done spectator marshalling at (directing traffic to car parks and stopping people from lighting barbecues next to wooden grandstands). Silverstone is a lovely circuit, which was greatly improved about 10 years ago went the track layout was altered to facilitate the building of new run off areas for the race cars and grandstands for the spectators. It's still a power circuit with a sequence of fast corners leading to the main straight which terminates into the "new" complex of slower corners that were designed to increase over taking. Cars exiting the fast complex will be doing about 130 mph, accelerating up the straight to 200+ mph before breaking hard. It's the fastest part of the circuit and compares with the Parabolica at Monza or the old Tamburello at Imola - where Ayrton Senna was killed in a high speed accident in 1994. So imagine, the shock it was to see what could only described as a lunatic with a death wish (click on the image to get an enlargement) calmly jogging along this straight down toward the fast complex of corners at Becketts. The yellow Jordon that can be seen exiting the corner is doing about 140 mph and about two seconds after the picture had passed the nutter. Added to which the guy was trying to wave protest placards in front of the cars, on only one occasion did he try to get out of the way, in most cases actually moving toward the racing line of the cars. It was only the skill of the drivers in avoiding him that prevented his death, though had one of the cars hit him it would likely have killed the driver too. By the nature of that part of the circuit no marshals were sent to retrieve him until the safety car had been deployed and being in the early stages of the race with the cars were still fairly bunched up a safe gap was quickly forthcoming for the marshals to deal with him, and knowing the mentality of the marshals they wouldn't have been gentle with him, I know if I was dealing with him I would managed at least one surreptitious kick with my steel toe-capped boots. The worst thing is, this guy is only going to be charged with aggravated trespass, which his lawyers may be able to argue around by virtue of him having a ticket, but why not add on attempted murder. After all there is already evidence that a formula one car hitting a person at speed will cause the death of the driver, as Tom Pryce was killed in 1977 when he struck a marshal who was crossing the track, and F1 cars are much faster now that they were 26 years ago, plus this whole issue was discussed in 2000 after a disgruntled Frenchman breached security to make a track side protest again Mercedes-Benz.

The timing of this couldn't have been worse. The whole future of the British Grand Prix is in question, and an incident like this could be all it takes to have one of the great sporting institutions of the summer erased permanently from the calender.

Bargins galore

I had an interesting afternoon in HMV (West End today). Went up into the Classical section where I had a nice chat with the chap who works there. Despite not seeing him for over 12 months he not only remembered me also the sort of classical stuff I like, and the CD's he'd recommended to me. (wow! HMV give this guy a pay rise now.) Anyway to cut a long story sort he pointed me to some stuff that they have in from the Marco Polo label which are all being sold at £2.99, so I came away with the following;

Witold Lutoslawski - Symphonies Nos 3 and 4

Frederic Devreese - Soundtrack (Dances, Divertimenti and Preludes)

Tage Nielsen, Erik Norby, Vagn Holmboe & Herman D Koppel - Songs

Rued Langgaard - String Quartets (Double CD)

Laszlo Lajtha - Symphonies Nos 8 and 9

And as if that wasn't good enough on the bargain front I got two Permin cross stitch kits at about half the price I've seen them being sold for elsewhere. They are about 8"x 20", stitched on 20 hole to the inch count fabric and are gorgeous. All other stitching projects are on hold till these are done.

INTERCAL Game

A suggestion has just been put to me for a new variation to that old favourite Scrabble.

What if the pieces are INTERCAL keywords and you have to produce valid statements instead of valid words. Your score would depend on which keywords you use. There is no bonus for elegance.

For a final twist on scrabble you can use a dictionary to check a word while in this game you would have to explain what it does before scoring.

Maybe it should be a computer game so you can compile your statements to verify validity.

Hmm!

It's sort of weird but flattering when people you don't know add you to their LJ friends list. But it's even weirder when they remove you. What is it about your journal that makes them want to add you in the first place? What changes to make them no longer want to read you entries? Have you changed in the interim?

I know that with a few exception most of my stuff has been self indulgent "why me?" whinging, but since January that's more or less the process that my mind has been going through. Finding out that my mother had cancer in some ways made me more critical of friends and I have cut a lot of people out of my life. Lets face it when you trying to come to terms with the fact that a parental unit is dying a horrible death, having a self obsessed troll dismissing your feelings as unimportant, whilst making out that their desicion of whether to go to an Indian or Thai restaurant is of life or death importance, makes you realise that said troll isn't worth knowing. When they then say that it was "an attempt to cheer you up" is insulting to the intelligence. One acquaintenship that broke down was regrettable because it could possibly have been avoided if I hadn't made the choice to say enough is enough. However, given the instability of the other person, that would have only put off the inevitable, so perhaps everything worked out for the best anyway.

LJ is interesting in that you can voice all your worries, concerns, woes, etc knowing that you do have an audience, who may be supportive, though conversely they may just be saying "Oh gawd not again" and skimming over your entry. But the audience is there and by virtue of the friends page, is also available to a wider selection of people any of whom could decide that they want a front seat in our rants and wibbles. That a stranger added me to his list for some arbitrary reason and then just as suddenly decided that I wasn't interesting enough raises questions in my mind, like did this person just want to watch the increasingly depressed muttering of someone who is going through their own private hell and re-adjusting their relationships on the basis of new values? Are the postings not full of juicy enough details of debautched sex and familial arguments? But isn't this what we all want to see? Given the popularity of soap operas with convoluted relationships (Dynasty/The Colbys), improbable disasters/scenarios (Emmerdale, Dallas) and on to the later craze of "reality tv", isn't this what we all want - a chance to look into someone elses life and make judgement? But in turn with LJ (and weblogs in general) are we not holding ourselves up for judgement in the same way as the occupants of the Big Brother House? So does it really matter that someone who I have never (to my knowledge) met added and subtracted me from their friends list? Truthfully, the answer is that it doesn't matter at all, however it does generate a feeling of disappointment, i.e. if I cannot hold a strangers interest then what chance do I have of making new friends? though this isn't something that has been a problem in the past, so why should it be a problem in the future? And can the actions of one stranger be used as a weather vane as to how people in general view me?
Furthermore, does questioning the motives of a stranger, and analysing my response to their actions make me nuts? Or am I just noticing a trend of behaviour in people that is always there just so entrenched that we take it for granted?

No comment

Earth Worshippers Cause Death in Space

Thanks Simon.

Life? Don't talk to me about life.

I am so utterly fed up with life at the moment. Most people are telling me it is just a reaction to my mother having recently died but it goes beyond that. I'm just utterly sick of my life, of the same boring routine day in day out. Of having so called friends who spend all their time stabbing you in the back and then having a family that do the same.

The latest is that my mother's sister is telling me that I have absolutely no right to anything of my mothers. I wanted mums wedding ring, but I was told quite catagorically no. When I pushed I was called selfish and ungrateful. In the end she gave me a cheap thing that I would swear she bought at the market earlier that day, it certainly isn't my mothers wedding ring though I am being told that it is. I'm finding that I am being written out of the family history, mum's gravestone is allegedly stating that she is a muched loved sister and aunt but no mention of mother. To cap it all I am now being told that despite my mother naming me as the beneficiary of her pension, and the pension company saying I have a lump sum of money due to me, my aunt is telling me that I'm not entitled to it and if I accept if it the same as stealing. WTF???

Not content with lying to me about how ill my mother actually was, and trying her best to keep me away from Leeds, she is now trying to eradicate my existance. She is too busy dividing up the soils for herself and her kids. To be honest it is beginning to get to me. I'm at the point where I don't know who to trust, or indeed whether there is anyone that I can trust, and if the answer to the last bit is no one then why do I actually bother. I don't know why I don't just lock myself away and forget the whole world because because I'm sick to death of being used by ignorant selfish egotistical bastards who only seem to want me around so that they have someone who will admire them. Well I'm sorry I'm not playing anymore. In fact I don't honestly know why I have to go one living any more as it clear that I serve no purpose.

Maybe I'll feel better in a day or so but I doubt it.

Arghh!!

I missed the main drinking session of the geekfest, due to continued illness. However, a couple of the "delegates" were at my Manchester place on Thursday night after kindly meeting me at the train station with offerings of beer and breezers. Pity I wasn't in a fit enough state to be a charming hostess, however, my boyfriend was also there and he made up for the manners I missed.

Friday was spent mainly in bed feeling like I was dying and Saturday was only fractionally better. The coughing spasms have left me with a pain in my chest and across my shoulder and I'm now having difficulty getting into a position where I'm comfortable, and to make matters worse I've taken all the paracetamol based pain killers I dare and they haven't worked.

I just have to keep reminding myself that things can only get better.

Blargh!!!

Well I missed the Holyrood tonight, which has upset me mightily. But seeing as I am laid low and in bed with a horrible flu bug I didn't think I would be popular if I spread it around. It's a nasty little bug too - gone straight for the chest, and as I have asthma it's a double whammy. I'm actually at the point where my ribs hurt from coughing and I am struggling to breathe.

I just hope I am okay for the weekend as it's the nixhelp geekfest, and I don't want to miss out on a full weekend of drinking, geeking, drinking and taking the piss with the bunch of psychos that I spend most of my free time communicating with via IRC.

An update will no doubt follow once I've sobered up after the event, assuming I can remember anything about it.

Charles Laughton Directs.....

    The Night of the Hunter

Sunday night I went to the Filmhouse in Edinburgh with and to a special screening of The Night of the Hunter.

I have always though that this was one of the best films I've ever seen and so finding that almost all of the original film rushes and out-takes still survived intrigued me. Added to this the fact that the director, Charles Laughton, kept the camera running between takes giving the opportunity to see how he interacted with his actors meant that I was eager to see the film, the rushes and hear the talk that was given.

In the past when I have been to other special screenings of this type, it has usually been someone giving a talk about the film whilst showing various clips to illustrate the points being made, followed by a showing of the film in question. In this case the showing was, in the words of Robert Gitt (the presenter) "the film with narration". Gitt commenced his talk by briefly going over the career of Charles Laughton, who was well know as an actor in films such as "Mutiny on the Bounty" (1935 - opposite Clark Gable as Fletcher Christian); "The Private Life of Henry VIII (1933) and, perhaps my favorite, David Lean's wonderfully executed "Hobsons Choice" (1953). Our lecturer for the evening then told of the history of the cuttings collection, and described what we were going to see, this being the film made up from the best bits of the rushes and out-takes. At this point he started the film.

From here on in, we had the film almost in its entirety, starting from the original idea to make a film of Davis Grubb's novel of the same name, through to the appalling marketing of the film studio. As each new person was added to the project a short biography was given which also explained how they gained their part in the film project. Laughton, who in his best roles tended to play overbearing tyrants, was surprising by the way be elicited performances from his actors in particular the two children, 12 year-old Billy Chapin as John and Sally Jane Bruce who, at 5½ years, was an absolute star as Pearl. Laughtons technique of keeping the camera running between takes allowed us to see the way he explained what he wanted and then gently coaxed the performance out of them. Sally, even for a young child was so professional, to the point that in some scenes she was rebuking Robert Mitchum (already a Hollywood star) for forgetting his lines.

There was only one scene where Laughton appeared to be a tyrant as a director and this was with Shelly Winters, though the question was raised did he shout at her because he was really angry, or was it an act on his part to make her feel as humiliated as the character she was portraying? Based on the other interactions with his actors I would say it was the latter.

Altogether I found it a most entertaining and enlightening evening, and I would certainly recommend that if you ever get the chance to see this film by the UCLA Film Archive take it as you will not be disappointed. Though as the very least you should see the film as released.

Patricia Winmill - 14/03/1945 - 01/06/2003

As those who read my journal will know I have been agonising over what I should be doing during my mother's illness from cancer. Her suffering is now over. She died peacefully at St Gemma's Hospice in Leeds at 23:25 on Sunday evening. She fought the "nasty little bugger" to the end, but in her final moments she must have realised that this was one battle she couldn't win and gave up the fight. I was with her round the clock from the very early hours of Saturday. Although she couldn't speak much - the drugs were making her sleepy - she was aware of her surroundings and if she felt that we were talking over her she let it be known with frowns and other gestures.

There are a few members of the live-journal community that knew her and they will know what a huge personality she had. Her passing will leave a huge gap in many people's lives and the one thing I am finding from talking to her friends is that those who knew her loved her.

I'm sorry that I couldn't be with her more during the final months of her life and that I wasn't there will be a burden I shall carry for many years, but in the end we were able to communicate and I was able to say my goodbyes. She died knowing how much both I and my partner, Paul, loved her, and that we will always miss her.

Funeral arrangements are being put into place for the morning of Tuesday, 10/06/2003. The family in general and myself in particular would ask that friends who wish to pay tribute do so by making a donation to St Gemma's Hospice in Leeds, whose care and compassion for both patients and relatives was wonderful.

Sometimes I feel like a motherless child...

        ...a long ways from home.

Well in the end the decision was taken out of my hands. My aunt called the doctor and by the time he called around to the house to check on my mum he'd already got the surgery staff to make arrangements for my mother to be admitted to a hospice. My aunt called me this afternoon to let me know what has been arranged. I told her that I knew that I was being lied to about how ill mum was and that in reality I didn't think mum would live to see next Christmas. My aunt just said "don't leave it till Christmas to visit, in fact, make it sooner than later". I think this is it. I'm at the point now where I'm going to dread answering the phone, or reading email or anything because it's not going to be long before I get the call to give me "the news".

Knowing this is really weird. On the one hand I am swinging from wailing in complete despair, to screaming with rage. And on the other there is a kind of resigned calm. There is nothing I can do, so I'm just waiting for the end in the same way I suppose you would wait on a runaway train heading for the precipice. Things happen and suddenly you realise that you are only a puppet with some demonic god(dess) of fate pulling on the strings, laughing as you try to make sense of things.

Either that or the matrix is real and Agent Smith has it in for all of us.

Oh God!

Today has been an up and down day!

Firstly I just discovered that it is more expensive to go to Leicester than it is to go to London from Edinburgh. The train fair is dearer that the air fare but because I don't have a current passport flying is out.

Got home just in time to have a visit from a random computer genius, so set up the downloads he wanted and went to the corner for pizza. Arrived back to receive phone call from my aunt. My mother is very ill. She is apparently getting confused to the point that she can't look after herself properly, and isn't taking her meds properly. My aunt said that they are not sure if it's the meds that are confusing her or whether it's an effect of the cancer (i.e. is there a secondary tumour on her brain?) It doesn't help that my step-father has Alzheimer's and so cannot look after her - in reality he can't even look after himself properly any more. Unfortunately it seems that my mum is no longer in a position to be able to look after herself either, let alone look after my step-father.

There is going to be a big family conference to decide what needs to be done and it appears that my aunt is favouring a nursing home, because as she said they both do need nursing care, not just family members keeping an eye on them. I really don't want to do this though. I feel as though I should be the one looking after them but as my aunt says I am not a qualified nurse, I can't make decisions about their meds, or provide the level of care they need no matter how willing, so I feel like I'm just ending up as one of those absent kids who put their parents in a home because it's just too much of a hassle to look after them. I really don't know what to do because it feels as though what ever happens I will be wrong.

So maybe I should just put on a brave face and take all the criticism and judgment from the know-alls.

Time for hard truths

I have been (wrongly I might add) accused of adding "nasty comments" to She Who Shall Remain Nameless' web blog. When I ran into her partner at the pub I was accused of getting my friends to send the messages on my behalf (and before he tries to deny that, it was commented upon by several of the people who were listening to the exchange).

I am getting sick to death of the lies that are emanating from that place.

And of course, now despite all the insults, lies and slanders that SWSRN has thrown at me (as well as at several other people) I apparently owe her an apology. Presumably that is because I am (a) still breathing and (b) not bowing down and worshiping the ground that she walks on. I could probably think of several other things that the self indulgant wannabe princess will say I need to apologise to her over, but as you may have gathered I am not in the business of rolling over and pandering to peoples hyper-inflated egos unless they pay me a healthy salary to do so, and even then I'm likely to take the piss.

This latest campaign seems to be SWSRN attempting to divert attension away from the fact that through her own rudeness she has upset a lot of people, and rather than do the honorable thing and apologise is trying to turn the very people who she has insulted into the people who are preying on her.

Well hello honey, welcome to the real world. Be rude to people and they get upset with you, try and turn it around so that you're the injured party and people think you are a nutter. Especially, when you go around accusing everyone who has ever upset you of being a dangerous looney, and at last count there were about half a dozen people she was calling dangerous looneys - that may have increased by now, though I wouldn't know because I'm not talking to her, and if I didn't have to keep fending off the latest accusation I don't think I would even acknowledge her existance. I don't take these accusations of hers that people are loony seriously, I mean in the normal course of daily life there are only so many dangerous maniacs that you are going to run into, unless that is, you work in a Psychiatic Unit, but she doesn't so, to be quite frank, she's over her quota.

So what to do?

Pooh!

Well I have just looked at the bills that have come in the post and I am seriously wondering how I am going to survive in Edinburgh without a job. At the moment I am being a drain on my partner's funds, in that whilst I'm not working I don't have enough coming in to pay the bills and he is subsidising me. It isn't cheap running two properties, two sets of electricity bills, phone bills, etc, so that by moving back to Manchester we would be saving nearly a thousand pounds a month.

Not withstanding the fact that my partner and I have been living apart for almost three years, which now getting to the point where it is a strain to be together because we have forgotten what it is like to be a couple.

And then of course I would be close to my mother who has lung cancer and is more ill than she lets on.

However, there is an equally compelling downside to moving back south. Firstly Manchester is a dump, it has odd highlights, but on the whole it could only be improved by the judicious use of a small thermonuclear device. Then I have a social life here with lots of great people that I meet at the Holyrood etc, which I wouldn't like to lose.

Finally there is the matter of timing. If I move back south now it gives a certain person an excuse to say that she has driven me away, and that she was right all along, and that I am an evil nasty bitch that no one in their right mind should speak to. but coming from a woman who is behaving like a five year old and who thinks that she owns the lives of all those that come into contact with her. Maybe if she got a job and stopped freeloading off others she'd get a sense of proportion

Oh I say!

State Troopers and Texas Rangers have been put on alert to find and detain 59 Texan Democrats, who staged a walkout from the state legislature on Monday. It was a move that came too late as the missing lawmakers were already over the border staying at a hotel in Ardmore, Oklahoma, where they plan to stay until the deadline for first passage of bills had passed.

And it's all over redistricting.

Apparently the Republicans won a majority in the Texas legislature and now want to redistrict in such a way that they will gain 5 extra seats. This despite the Texan redistricting should have happened two years ago but as a result of political shenanigans was put into the hands of the Courts. The newly elected Republican's, at the behest of their leaders in Washington, feel that the even handed approach of the Courts is not to be trusted and so their version (giving them the extra seats) is much more favourable and fair. Can you spell gerrimandered?

The down side of this is that several other important bills will also be scuppered by the walkout.

However, I can see the point of the Democrats actions. Within the package there are a number of bills that are aimed at giving extra benefits to the haves whilst reducing the benfits to the have-nots. (The Republicans want to push through a budget that will slash public spending but not raise taxes, and also another bill to put limits on lawsuits). The Republicans have acquired a huge majority, much like the one the Tories under Thatcher had, and are using that to force through legislation, much like the Tories did under... well you get the picture. The only way the Democrates have of stopping unpleasant legislation is to stop the House being quorate and this they are doing very effectively. That the leader of he House has ordered the law enforcment agencies to find and arrest these objectors raises serious concerns over the future of democracy in Texas.

Read more about this here and here and here and on many other sites listed at Google

The Email Saga Continues

Apparently it isn't my configuration that is wrong (well it is, but that isn't what is causing the problem). It appears that Blueyonder are at it again. Some spammer is sending a "dictionary attack" and has overloaded the mail servers. It would be funny if it wasn't for the fact that this happened to Blueyonder last year and they don't seem to have learned any lessons from it. Meanwhile all the email I thought had been eaten is slowly filtering into my inbox including the test emails one of my fellow IRC-ers send on Saturday night.

Technology, don't you just love it.

Bl***y Computers

If any one is thinking of emailing me - don't. Something in my configuration has gone splat and fetchmail is pulling in my emails but they are not getting to my inbox. I haven't a clue as to where they are going but looking at the archives on the mailing lists I subscribe to I reckon that I'm missing over 500 emails from the last two days alone. Personally I blame the friend who originally set my mail configuration, and as it's done in a such a weird and wooly manner there is no one on any of the help forums that can tell me how to fix the problem.

It looks as though I am going to have to wait until the next time there is an ObT around and see if he will set my mail system up into something usable.