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Tuesday, September 12, 2006
I should be ashamed of myself
I don't normally do memes, quizzes and the like but every once in a while one gets past the barricade like this one, which I offer as a perfect example as to why these things are stupid.
Monday, September 11, 2006
Names
Hubby and I are finally looking at getting our web pages set up with our own domain. This has caused the problem of finding a name for the domain. I wouldn't mind having rathgild.org or something like that but it's not ideal for hubby, especially as he is looking at a long term IT project with a friend of his. We did think of naming the house and getting the domain to match that, but we haven't come up with anything that we both like yet. Given that the "new" flat is huge and has near white carpets, cream walls, and we were mad enough to buy a white sofa, I thought the something that translated as "white palace" would be nice but he doesn't like that, so we are now running out of ideas. Anyone out there got any suggestions?
Work (again)
It seems that despite being put on compulsory leave (against the advise of my health care providers) my employers now want sick lines to cover my absence. It seems that everytime I get something moving forward to get me to go back to work they put something else in my path and will not budge until such time as the new conditions are met. Hubby is back to spending more and more time away from home, so my mind is now thinking in terms as who is he seeing now which isn't helping things either, and I've come to the conclusion that no matter how much they say they are different in Edinburgh, psychiatrists the world over are untrustworthy ego maniacs.
Wednesday, September 06, 2006
Clarification
I should make something clear for people to have a better understanding of me.
(a) I am suicidal
(b) I am depressed
For most people (a) follows on from (b) as they increasingly see no solution to the situation that is causing (b).
However, for me (a) and (b) are completely separate. (a) is a situation that I have been in for as long as I can remember, the reasons are long, complex and to be quite frank are not for public consumption (past experience has taught me that if I reveal these reasons to anyone they are inevitably turned around and used against me, which can cause a period of (b)).
(b) is generally caused by something situational such as my husband having an affair with a 19 year old, and my line manager having the attitude that I cannot do my job.
Sometimes (b) increases my motivation to act on (a) but largely the fear of failure and it's consequenses are the only thing that prevents me from actioning those thoughts.
I'm the only person I know who despite being as happy as a songbird on the day of my wedding was still wishing in the morning that I was dead and was berating myself for not having the courage to do anything to end my life when I went to bed. My desire to die is long standing, and has been rationally thought out and despite the improvement in my mood the "suicidal ideation" was at a constant level. (One of the nurses at the hospital said that she had never met anyone like me as most people are really grateful that the medical teams had intervened, whereas I was disappointed and indignant at the intervention, and that although she did not agree with my argument in favour of being allowed to die, she agreed that it was arrived at by a process of rational thought and not as a emotional response.)
So there you have it.
(a) I am suicidal
(b) I am depressed
For most people (a) follows on from (b) as they increasingly see no solution to the situation that is causing (b).
However, for me (a) and (b) are completely separate. (a) is a situation that I have been in for as long as I can remember, the reasons are long, complex and to be quite frank are not for public consumption (past experience has taught me that if I reveal these reasons to anyone they are inevitably turned around and used against me, which can cause a period of (b)).
(b) is generally caused by something situational such as my husband having an affair with a 19 year old, and my line manager having the attitude that I cannot do my job.
Sometimes (b) increases my motivation to act on (a) but largely the fear of failure and it's consequenses are the only thing that prevents me from actioning those thoughts.
I'm the only person I know who despite being as happy as a songbird on the day of my wedding was still wishing in the morning that I was dead and was berating myself for not having the courage to do anything to end my life when I went to bed. My desire to die is long standing, and has been rationally thought out and despite the improvement in my mood the "suicidal ideation" was at a constant level. (One of the nurses at the hospital said that she had never met anyone like me as most people are really grateful that the medical teams had intervened, whereas I was disappointed and indignant at the intervention, and that although she did not agree with my argument in favour of being allowed to die, she agreed that it was arrived at by a process of rational thought and not as a emotional response.)
So there you have it.
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
Something to smile about.
Before all this aggravation started I weighed in at a hefty 16st 5lb (that's 229 lb or 104 kg), my bra size was 36G and I couldn't get jeans to fit because at Gap they only went up to 40 inch hips and so I couldn't get them over my fat bum.
Last week I went shopping for new lingerie and having been measured again I am now in a 34 GG bra. I can also get into the 40 inch hip jeans and on the scale this morning I weighed 14 st 9 (205 lb, 93 kg). Most of this weight has been lost whilst I was in hospital (says a lot about the poor quality of hospital food) so it's been a little fast, (24 lb in under 20 days) but even so it's good news, especially if I can maintain this weight or even better lose some more. If I work on the basis of about a pound per week loss to the end of the year that should get me to about 13½st for the start of next year. There is, of course, the whole other argument that if no one wants me around then why bother but I keep being told that I shouldn't think like that because this isn't what people are thinking. My response to that is if it isn't what they are thinking then why are they behaving as though it is?
Last week I went shopping for new lingerie and having been measured again I am now in a 34 GG bra. I can also get into the 40 inch hip jeans and on the scale this morning I weighed 14 st 9 (205 lb, 93 kg). Most of this weight has been lost whilst I was in hospital (says a lot about the poor quality of hospital food) so it's been a little fast, (24 lb in under 20 days) but even so it's good news, especially if I can maintain this weight or even better lose some more. If I work on the basis of about a pound per week loss to the end of the year that should get me to about 13½st for the start of next year. There is, of course, the whole other argument that if no one wants me around then why bother but I keep being told that I shouldn't think like that because this isn't what people are thinking. My response to that is if it isn't what they are thinking then why are they behaving as though it is?
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
Evicted!
In true Big Brother style it seems that I have been evicted from our social circle. Apparently some people are sick of being in the middle and some are equally sick of the stirring elements, well, stirring. So now I know that I'm perceived as a social pariah, deemed incapable of doing my job, and have only an unfaithful husband to talk to. And the psychiatrists think this is worth living for?!?!!
Saturday, August 26, 2006
The Month in Review
As previously noted I was in hospital for a chunk of August. So here's a synopsis to let you know what happened.
As most people will have noticed right up to my last posting I was getting more depressed partly because of the way I was being excluded from work, but mainly because there had been a 19 year old chasing after my husband who had almost managed to wreck my marriage. Someone had put, in response to one of my posts, that she was relieved to no longer be chased by an older man (???) and that she was now seeing someone closer to her own age (hmm a 30 year old instead of a 34 year old!!!) the whole tone of which being that she was the unwelcome recipient of my husband's attentions (a complete lie - but more of that later). After that, the comment poster and I had a text exchange on the Saturday night (5th Aug), which was a unsatisfactory as it was upsetting, and this had exacerbated my depression over the weekend. Work, or rather the way that I have been excluded from work and the fight I'm having to get back to my job, kicked in on my already low mood on Monday and made things worse still (as I said in the entry on that day).
Tuesday I was in a slightly better frame of mind but not by much and on Wednesday I had yet another panic attack which I sort of got over but after a couple of hours had another massive wave of depression which resulted in my taking another (bigger) overdose of amitriptyline but hubby caught me as I was hiding the evidence so that was another ambulance trip to the local A&E. After 24 hours in A&E I was transferred to the local psychiatric hospital (10th Aug), so that I could be monitored as I was put onto newer drugs that are less dangerous in overdose, my mood level assessed and appropriate counselling provision put into place. I stayed there until yesterday (25th Aug).
Most of that time it's been pretty restful, all the things that were causing the stress and low mood were removed and I was pretty much left on my own to get on with some needlework which in itself was very therapeutic. That said, there was an incident with madam (she was there for an outpatient appointment) on Monday (21st Aug) where her behaviour towards me had me running back to the ward and so obviously distressed that the ward staff were worried that I was having a major downturn. Of course, her then knowing that I was inpatient and having probably heard on the grapevine that hubby was going to the pub on his own she decided to go to the bar herself. When we go to the bar we usually go in via the back entrance so that we can see who is there through the window before going in and so that we don't have to work our way through the throng of people to get to the corner where our friends usually congregate. On this occasion hubby saw someone we knew, and as he got more of a view of the corner saw the new man in her life and realising that she would be there turned around to head to the other window to get a better view where he saw she was slouching beside her new partner. A friend had already noticed hubby, turning and acknowledging his presence. Hubby shook his head and mouthed "no" to indicate that he wasn't going into the bar and didn't want anyone else to be made aware of his being there, where upon the friend immediately turned around and spoke directly to madam. She jumped up suddenly and seeing this my hubby turned to make a hasty departure. She then ran out of the pub and chased him. Despite her pestering, he told her clearly and without ambiguity in several different ways to leave him alone, even telling her to go back inside the bar to her new boyfriend, which she refused to do. He eventually flagged a passing taxi and was able to get away from her pleading. Within about quarter of an hour of leaving her she had made two calls to his mobile and because he wasn't accepting the calls left the following message on his answering service:
Hubby then has a dilemma. Does he pretend that this hasn't happened and not tell me and hope that the elements in our social circle that seem to get pleasure from stirring things up don't say anything; does he wait till the morning and hope that these same stirring elements don't beat him to let me know what happened, or does he ring me straight away and tell me everything. He chose the latter option. Surprisingly it didn't depress me. It made me bloody angry and I demanded that he give me her mobile number. I called her and didn't let her get a word in edgeways. I told her in no uncertain terms that she was to stop harassing my husband. To get the point home I asked why she was still chasing him when he had said that he didn't want to see her any more? Was it that he hadn't paid her for sexual favours received? I told her to get out of our lives and to stop trying to wreck my life, my husband's life, and our social life, etc. I also said that the best thing she could do would be to leave Edinburgh because if she didn't stop harassing us and particularly that if she contacted me at my work (when and if I get back) I would take steps to have her restained. She then left a message on my mobile phone answering service:
Now I'm sorry but what she is saying there does not bear any truth to the facts.
You can make your own mind up about her state of mind, motives, etc. All I know is that if she doesn't stop pestering us, or to be more precise pestering my husband, we will seek the protection of the courts and get an injunction against her, in fact, we are already looking at involving the police with a view to criminalising her harassment.
Update - 1 Sept 2006 Hubby has now made a report to the police so the next time she chases after him she will most likely get a visit from Plod.
As you'll have noticed, I've given my husband posting rights here so he can add anything he needs/wants to fill out gaps or correct mistakes I make in relaying events.
As most people will have noticed right up to my last posting I was getting more depressed partly because of the way I was being excluded from work, but mainly because there had been a 19 year old chasing after my husband who had almost managed to wreck my marriage. Someone had put, in response to one of my posts, that she was relieved to no longer be chased by an older man (???) and that she was now seeing someone closer to her own age (hmm a 30 year old instead of a 34 year old!!!) the whole tone of which being that she was the unwelcome recipient of my husband's attentions (a complete lie - but more of that later). After that, the comment poster and I had a text exchange on the Saturday night (5th Aug), which was a unsatisfactory as it was upsetting, and this had exacerbated my depression over the weekend. Work, or rather the way that I have been excluded from work and the fight I'm having to get back to my job, kicked in on my already low mood on Monday and made things worse still (as I said in the entry on that day).
Tuesday I was in a slightly better frame of mind but not by much and on Wednesday I had yet another panic attack which I sort of got over but after a couple of hours had another massive wave of depression which resulted in my taking another (bigger) overdose of amitriptyline but hubby caught me as I was hiding the evidence so that was another ambulance trip to the local A&E. After 24 hours in A&E I was transferred to the local psychiatric hospital (10th Aug), so that I could be monitored as I was put onto newer drugs that are less dangerous in overdose, my mood level assessed and appropriate counselling provision put into place. I stayed there until yesterday (25th Aug).
Most of that time it's been pretty restful, all the things that were causing the stress and low mood were removed and I was pretty much left on my own to get on with some needlework which in itself was very therapeutic. That said, there was an incident with madam (she was there for an outpatient appointment) on Monday (21st Aug) where her behaviour towards me had me running back to the ward and so obviously distressed that the ward staff were worried that I was having a major downturn. Of course, her then knowing that I was inpatient and having probably heard on the grapevine that hubby was going to the pub on his own she decided to go to the bar herself. When we go to the bar we usually go in via the back entrance so that we can see who is there through the window before going in and so that we don't have to work our way through the throng of people to get to the corner where our friends usually congregate. On this occasion hubby saw someone we knew, and as he got more of a view of the corner saw the new man in her life and realising that she would be there turned around to head to the other window to get a better view where he saw she was slouching beside her new partner. A friend had already noticed hubby, turning and acknowledging his presence. Hubby shook his head and mouthed "no" to indicate that he wasn't going into the bar and didn't want anyone else to be made aware of his being there, where upon the friend immediately turned around and spoke directly to madam. She jumped up suddenly and seeing this my hubby turned to make a hasty departure. She then ran out of the pub and chased him. Despite her pestering, he told her clearly and without ambiguity in several different ways to leave him alone, even telling her to go back inside the bar to her new boyfriend, which she refused to do. He eventually flagged a passing taxi and was able to get away from her pleading. Within about quarter of an hour of leaving her she had made two calls to his mobile and because he wasn't accepting the calls left the following message on his answering service:
Don't just expect me to be cut loose, I'm not going to do that. I can't. You're driving me mad. It's not fair. Stop being an arsehole about this 'cos I really, really cannot be bothered. I can't cope again. I just can't cope. You just don't even bother. Now there is no reason why you can't let me know how you are doing once in a while, 'cos I will worry. I am going fucking sick with worry. Right. I'm in a constant state and I can't carry on like this. Please fucking let me know how you are from time to time I'm just going to go fucking mad. Speak to you soon. Bye.
Hubby then has a dilemma. Does he pretend that this hasn't happened and not tell me and hope that the elements in our social circle that seem to get pleasure from stirring things up don't say anything; does he wait till the morning and hope that these same stirring elements don't beat him to let me know what happened, or does he ring me straight away and tell me everything. He chose the latter option. Surprisingly it didn't depress me. It made me bloody angry and I demanded that he give me her mobile number. I called her and didn't let her get a word in edgeways. I told her in no uncertain terms that she was to stop harassing my husband. To get the point home I asked why she was still chasing him when he had said that he didn't want to see her any more? Was it that he hadn't paid her for sexual favours received? I told her to get out of our lives and to stop trying to wreck my life, my husband's life, and our social life, etc. I also said that the best thing she could do would be to leave Edinburgh because if she didn't stop harassing us and particularly that if she contacted me at my work (when and if I get back) I would take steps to have her restained. She then left a message on my mobile phone answering service:
Sorry to have to get back in touch with you but I'm sick of all this. I'm sick of fighting and bickering, it's just not doing anybody any good whatsoever. Ah, urm, now I'm trying to be the reasonable one as I was on Monday when I saw you in the Royal Ed I just walked away, because, erm, I don't want to cause anybody any grief, any hurt, etc, etc, because it's just not who I am. Erm.. Well I don't expect you to get back in touch with me because, er, well, to be honest why should you? Erm but er just give it a rest okay and, 'cos you know I'm not doing anything to you, I'm just staying away, and keeping away from everything. Alright, well I wish you well because I don't wish you anything (else ???). Erm I'll go right. Bye bye.
Now I'm sorry but what she is saying there does not bear any truth to the facts.
- If she is "sick of all this" why is she still trying to make contact with my husband?
- If she is "sick of fighting and bickering" why will she not respect our wishes and stay away from us?
- If "it's just not who [she] is" then why is she doing this?
- If she "is trying to be the reasonable one" why did she behave in such a way that upset me so much that the ward staff were worried about me?
- If she doesn't "want to cause anybody any grief, any hurt, etc, etc," why is she still trying to re-instigate the relationship with my husband hurting both him and me?
- If she's "not doing anything to [me]" why is she acting in a manner designed to cause me hurt and suffering?
- If she is "just staying away, and keeping away from everything" why did she choose to go to a bar that she only ever frequented during the time she was having the affair with my husband and at a time that she knew my husband was likely to be there?
You can make your own mind up about her state of mind, motives, etc. All I know is that if she doesn't stop pestering us, or to be more precise pestering my husband, we will seek the protection of the courts and get an injunction against her, in fact, we are already looking at involving the police with a view to criminalising her harassment.
Update - 1 Sept 2006 Hubby has now made a report to the police so the next time she chases after him she will most likely get a visit from Plod.
As you'll have noticed, I've given my husband posting rights here so he can add anything he needs/wants to fill out gaps or correct mistakes I make in relaying events.
Friday, August 25, 2006
I'm back
Just a very brief post to let everyone know that I am out of hospital. Things have been eventful on the scheming mistress side of things, and once I've settled back at home Paul and I will give a fuller update of whats been going on.
Sunday, August 20, 2006
Temporary Break
Due to Jan being in hospital there is a temporary break in service. We hope to restore this service as soon as possible.
Eta
Rathgild's Husband
Eta
Rathgild's Husband
Wednesday, August 02, 2006
Another thought
But not mine. In a comment on Shattered's blog:
UPDATE
On second thoughts that will just perpetuate the cycle. I'm more in favour of Mosaic Law, that the adulteress be tied to a post in front of the temple (substitute Church, Mosque, or Town Hall to suit) and stoned to death. I'd sure as hell be there to cast the first stone.
nautilus said...I couldn't have put it better myself.I have only one thing to say....
To all mistresses everywhere...may you meet a man that you love more than life, bear his children and build a wonderful family, and then have some little tart come and tear it all apart!!!!!!!!!
UPDATE
On second thoughts that will just perpetuate the cycle. I'm more in favour of Mosaic Law, that the adulteress be tied to a post in front of the temple (substitute Church, Mosque, or Town Hall to suit) and stoned to death. I'd sure as hell be there to cast the first stone.
Monday, July 31, 2006
Terrible evening
My husband got in very late from work. I know that he is cat sitting for a friend and it's very probable that he spent time with the cats. After all there are newborn kittens to be admired. He didn't feel like cooking when he got in and as I'd had a visitor for most of the afternoon, done a stack of laundry, and other various housework tasks I didn't feel like cooking either. There is also the problem that due to stress/depression or whatever I have been completely off my food (I lost 14 lb in about 10 days). Anyway, my husband decides that he wants to go to the Thai restaurant close to where we live, but I'm prevaricating about it, at which point my husband realised that the thought of leaving the building is making me panicky. So he drags me out to the restaurant and as we are sitting at the table he's reaching over to hold my hand and I'm staring down at the plate and fighting the urge to bolt out of the place. It's the quickest restaurant meal I've ever had and the worst experience, though I have to stress that there was absolutely nothing wrong with the restaurant, it's service or the food. The ordeal was purely the one going on inside my head - a fight between the rational notion that there is nothing that is going to harm me and the instinctive feeling that I needed to be somewhere safer.
Thoughts
I was reading through Totally Shattered when I noticed this piece. I'd read it before but it didn't click at the time.
and further on
I'm having to put up with a silly teenager who is blaming me for "wrecking her life" because she chose to become involved with a man who, as well as being married, was almost old enough to be her father. She is blaming me because the man she chose decided that his marriage was worth something. She is the one who is calling me the scum of the earth and saying that I was responsible for the affair for "treating my husband like shit". She was the one pressuring him to leave me and when it all went wrong had no clue as to why she couldn't have her own way. It makes me wonder what kind of delusions she had that could even put these ideas into her head.
My point is that if you choose to do something then nobody else is to blame for your choices and the consequences of your choices. She chose to become involved with a married man, so she cannot hold me responsible for her pain now that he has chosen to go back to his wife. It was her choice, and it is her choice to read my blog.
and further on
What goes through your head as a mistress to believe that anything good can come out of an affair? Do you try and justify your behaviour by creating a belief system that supports the affair eg "She treated him horribly" or "She was a lunatic" or "She was into character assassination".
I'm having to put up with a silly teenager who is blaming me for "wrecking her life" because she chose to become involved with a man who, as well as being married, was almost old enough to be her father. She is blaming me because the man she chose decided that his marriage was worth something. She is the one who is calling me the scum of the earth and saying that I was responsible for the affair for "treating my husband like shit". She was the one pressuring him to leave me and when it all went wrong had no clue as to why she couldn't have her own way. It makes me wonder what kind of delusions she had that could even put these ideas into her head.
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
Blog Patrol
I am a teesy bit cheesed off with Blogpatrol at the moment. My hit counter has been zeroed, or to be more accurate, it's lost a hell of a lot of hits. I am aware that this is caused by a power outage that took down their servers and it is the sudden loss of power that has caused some areas of the database to be corrupted. I understand that they cannot control the power company's supply, but have these guys never heard of battery backup systems. Every place I've ever worked at that had critical data on a server had that server attached to a UPS so that they had time to go through shut down procedures and not lose data. In fact most of them had an automated system, that as soon as the UPS kicked in would log out and shutdown systems removing the need for human intervention. But no, the hits that I've accumulated over a four year period have vanished, gone, vamoosed, and I am not a happy bunny.
Monday, July 24, 2006
An achievement
When we first moved to our new palatial apartment we made the error of signing up with BT. We knew that we didn't want their broadband service because (a) they are expensive (b) they cap the amount you can download each month (c) they are notoriously crap. When signing up (over the telephone) I did tell the salesdroid that we were looking for a different broadband supplier and even mentioned that it was likely to be Bulldog (who are a LLU supplier), but salesdriod assured me that this was fine and that I needed to have my BT account set up before I could proceed with Bulldog anyway. Everything seemed to be in order, so I gave all the usual account details so that BT could take the setup payment direct from my bank account and everything in the garden was rosy.
Then we signed the stuff for Bulldog whose sales staff said that we didn't need to open the account with BT because they would have done all that for us as part of our start up agreement and that if we'd told that to the BT salesdroid then they (BT) had mis-sold the service. (Cue silent fuming with steam coming out of my ears).
Meanwhile I get a bill from BT for £38.50. Okay so we had their service for a total of three days, but I had agreed to the service, even if their salesdroid had mis-sold it to me, but that's okay because the direct debit is set up and they can take the money directly from my account. Wrong! A few days later I get the red letter. I telephone BT and ask what the problem is. I am told that the direct debit hadn't been set up. I get the person to hold whilst I log into my account (the joys of internet banking) only to find that there in black and white (well it's actually a rather calming blue and white, but I digress) is the direct debit set up on my account. I recite this information to BT person who then says that my bank declined the direct debit as there were no funds, I look at my online statement. There is over £3000 in the account, transferred from the savings account for buying new furniture and the like, plus there is a £500 overdraft facility. There is no evidence that the direct debit has been collected, keeping BT person on the land line I use my mobile phone to call my bank, who confirm that they have not had a request from BT to collect a payment. Again I tell the BT person, who by now is getting very anxious, having been found out to be telling porkies. They will look into the situation and call me back.
A week passes and I've not had a call back, however I do get a letter from BT's solicitor threatening legal action if I don't pay the amount owing. Now I'm feeling stroppy. I check all the online details of my account. No evidence that BT have tried to take a payment, but the direct debit is still there. I call my bank and they confirm that there is nothing in their records to say that BT have even tried to take a payment and also that there is no reason why a request for payment would be refused. I'm very pleased about this because I occasionally like to have a good strop.
So I write back to their solicitors as follows:
Solicitor duly wrote back saying that they would take no further action but would "pass my comments" back to their client i.e. BT.
This has now trundled on up to their elevated complaints section and still BT cannot take a payment from my account. The money is there. I'm willing for them to take it but I will not go out of my way to make the payment by any other means because that will only encourage them to be lazy about their business practices and to be honest their business practices are pretty crap to start with.
So on to today. I get three letters from a debt collection company. One is the you haven't paid this bill and we have been instructed to collect it, the second is the you've ignored us and we could take you to court if you don't pay us and the third is the despite previous correspondeance you have ignored us so we have prepared papers to take you to court. I try to telephone the company but you just get the usual "all our operators are busy" stuff, so I think sod this lets go back to the problem. I call BT, the woman I speak to is very polite and business like. I tell her about the three letters and she is shocked. She says that she can see the history of this on the account notes and she is sorry that this has gone on so long, would I mind holding whilst she consults with her supervisor. I'm on hold for what seems like an hour (hold music does that to you) and she comes back to me. She will contact the debt collection agency to get the file back, she will arrange for the whole amount to the credited to my bill so that I have nothing to pay. I almost fell over at that. I said I don;t mind paying the £38.50, it was billed to me I owe it and if only BT could call on my bank to take the money I'd be please to see it go as it's one less thing for me to worry about. But no the girl is adamant. The bill will be credited as compensation for all the stress and anguish that this has caused me.
A result!
Then we signed the stuff for Bulldog whose sales staff said that we didn't need to open the account with BT because they would have done all that for us as part of our start up agreement and that if we'd told that to the BT salesdroid then they (BT) had mis-sold the service. (Cue silent fuming with steam coming out of my ears).
Meanwhile I get a bill from BT for £38.50. Okay so we had their service for a total of three days, but I had agreed to the service, even if their salesdroid had mis-sold it to me, but that's okay because the direct debit is set up and they can take the money directly from my account. Wrong! A few days later I get the red letter. I telephone BT and ask what the problem is. I am told that the direct debit hadn't been set up. I get the person to hold whilst I log into my account (the joys of internet banking) only to find that there in black and white (well it's actually a rather calming blue and white, but I digress) is the direct debit set up on my account. I recite this information to BT person who then says that my bank declined the direct debit as there were no funds, I look at my online statement. There is over £3000 in the account, transferred from the savings account for buying new furniture and the like, plus there is a £500 overdraft facility. There is no evidence that the direct debit has been collected, keeping BT person on the land line I use my mobile phone to call my bank, who confirm that they have not had a request from BT to collect a payment. Again I tell the BT person, who by now is getting very anxious, having been found out to be telling porkies. They will look into the situation and call me back.
A week passes and I've not had a call back, however I do get a letter from BT's solicitor threatening legal action if I don't pay the amount owing. Now I'm feeling stroppy. I check all the online details of my account. No evidence that BT have tried to take a payment, but the direct debit is still there. I call my bank and they confirm that there is nothing in their records to say that BT have even tried to take a payment and also that there is no reason why a request for payment would be refused. I'm very pleased about this because I occasionally like to have a good strop.
So I write back to their solicitors as follows:
Dear Sirs,
Thank you for your letter of 26th January 2006, the contents of which I note with interest.
It seems to me that your client due to the incompetence that has made them famous, has involved you to extract an amount of money that they have not by their own wits been able to take directly themselves.
Given that despite being told my name AND my spelling it out, the person on the help desk was unable to enter this correctly on a keyboard. I take this as an indication that your client employs imbeciles to man their call centres, especially after I telephoned to correct this error and yet, as evidenced from your letter, they are still incapable of following simple instructions.
However, your letter relates to an unpaid amount and this is where their inabilities really set in, for whilst it seems, your client was able to set up a direct debit (as you will see quite clearly on the enclosed print from my internet banking site) they do not seem to have been able to get their collective brains to work long enough to collect the amount directly from the account as instructed. Still one shouldn't mock the afflicted as it's not very p.c.
Please do consider taking this to the Sheriff Court, I am sure that they get very little light relief during their working day and this case would no doubt relieve the monotony. Or on the other hand you could instruct you client to use the direct debit mandate that they have, and which they should have used in the first instant. I do sympathise with you that your only client's inability to complete their own business functions has resulted in your wasted time.
Yours faithfully
Solicitor duly wrote back saying that they would take no further action but would "pass my comments" back to their client i.e. BT.
This has now trundled on up to their elevated complaints section and still BT cannot take a payment from my account. The money is there. I'm willing for them to take it but I will not go out of my way to make the payment by any other means because that will only encourage them to be lazy about their business practices and to be honest their business practices are pretty crap to start with.
So on to today. I get three letters from a debt collection company. One is the you haven't paid this bill and we have been instructed to collect it, the second is the you've ignored us and we could take you to court if you don't pay us and the third is the despite previous correspondeance you have ignored us so we have prepared papers to take you to court. I try to telephone the company but you just get the usual "all our operators are busy" stuff, so I think sod this lets go back to the problem. I call BT, the woman I speak to is very polite and business like. I tell her about the three letters and she is shocked. She says that she can see the history of this on the account notes and she is sorry that this has gone on so long, would I mind holding whilst she consults with her supervisor. I'm on hold for what seems like an hour (hold music does that to you) and she comes back to me. She will contact the debt collection agency to get the file back, she will arrange for the whole amount to the credited to my bill so that I have nothing to pay. I almost fell over at that. I said I don;t mind paying the £38.50, it was billed to me I owe it and if only BT could call on my bank to take the money I'd be please to see it go as it's one less thing for me to worry about. But no the girl is adamant. The bill will be credited as compensation for all the stress and anguish that this has caused me.
A result!
Sunday, July 23, 2006
Confusion
I closed my Livejournal (LJ) account, and I have copied most of the LJ entries here. That means that there is a bit of duplication of entries. As of now this is my only personal blog and Cross Stitcher's Diary will cover all the craft related stuff. My pictures are all on my Flickr account
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
Comments
Today has been very up and down. First thing today I was really depressed to the point that I didn't want to get out of bed, but the postman knocking on the door to deliver a parcel forced me up. I called into work to say that I wouldn't be in and told one of my colleagues what had happened on Sunday/Monday. It seems that news has spread somewhat which makes it a rather difficult situation because on the one hand I don't want my state of mind to be a source of gossip around the workplace, but on the other hand people at least know that something is wrong and if I burst into random tears they will know they are not responsible. I had to go into work to hand in the spare set of office keys but was fortunate to run into the girl who is covering for me whilst she was queueing to get her lunch so I didn't need to go into the office. Went to the cafe at John Lewis to wait for hubby so we could go to the councelling session. At some point during that session (I had my phone on silent mode) I got a call from someone at the Royal Ed. to give me an appointment with a shrink, which was pretty fast work as I only saw my GP yesterday and he said that there was quite a waiting list.
I need to put a filter on my work email but to be honest I've not felt like looking at it and I really need to pull myself together to get back to the office as I really need to get the financial year end sorted, plus there is a huge stack of stuff that I have been too lazy to file that needs checking through as much of it can now be dumped into the confidential waste bags.
Finally, I've had a couple of comments on my stitching blog and I'm touched that people have taken the time to give support to a complete stranger. To the anonymous poster you are right in thinking that my close call with death hasn't made me look at life more positively. If anything when I woke up on Monday I had an overwhelming feeling of regret and disappointment that this was one more thing that I was a failure at. And to Bunny, I think it would have been easier to take had he run of with another man instead if a girl who was slimmer, prettier and 23 years younger than me.
Anyway I am once again going to try to pull myself together enough to get into work tomorrow.
I need to put a filter on my work email but to be honest I've not felt like looking at it and I really need to pull myself together to get back to the office as I really need to get the financial year end sorted, plus there is a huge stack of stuff that I have been too lazy to file that needs checking through as much of it can now be dumped into the confidential waste bags.
Finally, I've had a couple of comments on my stitching blog and I'm touched that people have taken the time to give support to a complete stranger. To the anonymous poster you are right in thinking that my close call with death hasn't made me look at life more positively. If anything when I woke up on Monday I had an overwhelming feeling of regret and disappointment that this was one more thing that I was a failure at. And to Bunny, I think it would have been easier to take had he run of with another man instead if a girl who was slimmer, prettier and 23 years younger than me.
Anyway I am once again going to try to pull myself together enough to get into work tomorrow.
Monday, July 17, 2006
Can't go on like this...
My life is a complete mess. Everybody tells me that I have won the battle in that my husband is staying with me but I still have huge doubts about that. Each time he tells me something I remember him looking straight into my eyes and lying about the situation with him and Charlotte the Harlot. And it gets worse in that our alleged circle of friends all seem to want to give HER support, so we will now have to create a whole new social circle for ourselves, which in a place like Edinburgh is not too easy as most of the social groups have huge overlaps. As we both have good jobs here in Edinburgh we don't want to have to move but if it becomes necessary we will do, if only to get away from the lying, scheming bitch who is responsible for the situation. Anyway I've deleted my LJ account (I effectively did that a while back but had to keep reinstating it to do admin functions on a community I ran but I've killed the community too now) so I now have no contact with my old social circle at all. The Harlot can have them and she can wreck their lives just like she's wrecked mine.
Bugger
Well that was interesting - not. I took a handful of my amitriptyline tablets (about 10-12 50mg tablets) last night in the hope that I wouldn't wake up this morning, which as I'm typing this obviously failed. The first that my husband knew was when I could hardly walk this morning, so he called the ambulance service. Paramedics were nice and kind and said that given the time I'd taken the pills that I was past the worst but they did say that as I had very low blood oxygen levels, combined with the state I was in when they arrived that I must have stopped breathing at some point during the night and that, depending on the view point I was either very lucky or very unlucky!
A ride by ambulance to the new Royal Infirmary later and I'm admitted to the A&E department, where I spent most of the day. A whole battery of tests were done, including an ECG (apparently amitriptyline can cause heart failure), and a couple of psychiatric nurses came around to make an assessment, and they agreed that I'm depressed and need anti-depressants, and that I should try to carry on as normally as possible, but that I should get some support from the Community Psychiatric Nurse. To that end I've got an appointment at the Royal Edinburgh next Wednesday.
Of course, my husband, decided that he should be the keeper of pills so I have to find where he has hidden them. It's really upsetting - I mean I want to die, no question about that, but everyone around me thinks this is a bad idea. However they have no clue as to how bad I feel and they are all just playing lip service with various pleasantries. Why can't people accept that I want to die and let me get on with it.
A ride by ambulance to the new Royal Infirmary later and I'm admitted to the A&E department, where I spent most of the day. A whole battery of tests were done, including an ECG (apparently amitriptyline can cause heart failure), and a couple of psychiatric nurses came around to make an assessment, and they agreed that I'm depressed and need anti-depressants, and that I should try to carry on as normally as possible, but that I should get some support from the Community Psychiatric Nurse. To that end I've got an appointment at the Royal Edinburgh next Wednesday.
Of course, my husband, decided that he should be the keeper of pills so I have to find where he has hidden them. It's really upsetting - I mean I want to die, no question about that, but everyone around me thinks this is a bad idea. However they have no clue as to how bad I feel and they are all just playing lip service with various pleasantries. Why can't people accept that I want to die and let me get on with it.
Sunday, July 16, 2006
I can't even drink with friends now
Yesterday started out quite well. I recently bought an Elizabeth David cookbook and decided to make a lasagna, from scratch (including the pasta). It turned out really well and as we had a friend for our late lunch it went down a treat. Another friend came around with her daughter, who very kindly brought some cake. So after our guests had left we decided to go to the pub as usual.
This was the start of the trouble in that Charlotte was there. One of the friends told us that they didn't want to be in the middle of "this car crash waiting to happen" so went off with the others to the other end of the bar. At this point fine they have distanced themselves from both sides equally. However, everytime they went out to smoke (its illegal to smoke in bars in Scotland) Charlotte joined them so it seemed clear that it was me who was being singled out as the undesirable element, which given that my husband had had an affair with Charlotte, means that I'm the victim, yet for some reason I'm the one who is being treated as the guilty party, so I now know that I'm persona non grata whilst she has the run of the place. Given Charlotte's manipulative ways it doesn't surprise me that she's made managed to make herself out as the hurt party, but she has completely wrecked my life. So now I'm locked into a situation that I have no control over. My husband constantly defends the slut who tried to wreck our marriage yet when she throws lies and crap at me he won't defend me, yet he says that it's me he loves and that he wants to make our marriage work. I don't know where I stand.
It's so depressing that I really do not want to live any more but my husband seems to think that killing myself is not a good option. I just wish that the people who have so clearly decided that this whore is the one to be supported would get out of my life and let me do what I want, instead of insisting that I live so that they can pile more shame and humiliation onto me. So I had about 10 of my anti-depressant tables left and I've now managed to take them all without giving any indication to my husband that I've taken them. When I start to feel sleepy I'll go to bed as normal and hopefully I'll never wake up, but I can't guarantee that because I can't find anything that gives an indication as to what is a lethal dose of amitriptyline.
This was the start of the trouble in that Charlotte was there. One of the friends told us that they didn't want to be in the middle of "this car crash waiting to happen" so went off with the others to the other end of the bar. At this point fine they have distanced themselves from both sides equally. However, everytime they went out to smoke (its illegal to smoke in bars in Scotland) Charlotte joined them so it seemed clear that it was me who was being singled out as the undesirable element, which given that my husband had had an affair with Charlotte, means that I'm the victim, yet for some reason I'm the one who is being treated as the guilty party, so I now know that I'm persona non grata whilst she has the run of the place. Given Charlotte's manipulative ways it doesn't surprise me that she's made managed to make herself out as the hurt party, but she has completely wrecked my life. So now I'm locked into a situation that I have no control over. My husband constantly defends the slut who tried to wreck our marriage yet when she throws lies and crap at me he won't defend me, yet he says that it's me he loves and that he wants to make our marriage work. I don't know where I stand.
It's so depressing that I really do not want to live any more but my husband seems to think that killing myself is not a good option. I just wish that the people who have so clearly decided that this whore is the one to be supported would get out of my life and let me do what I want, instead of insisting that I live so that they can pile more shame and humiliation onto me. So I had about 10 of my anti-depressant tables left and I've now managed to take them all without giving any indication to my husband that I've taken them. When I start to feel sleepy I'll go to bed as normal and hopefully I'll never wake up, but I can't guarantee that because I can't find anything that gives an indication as to what is a lethal dose of amitriptyline.
Thursday, July 13, 2006
The past few days have been very fraught in one way and another. The girl my husband was having an affair with is still holding me responsible for the situation and although she is now accepting some responsibility it's only 1/3. I don't understand her reasoning in this but it's a start. The way that she is manipulating things around to make out that she is the victim of all this would be laughable if it wasn't so painful. In fact, it was her reply to my husband challenging her version that sent me off on another wave of depression. I ended up taking my current dose of 150 mg Amitriptyline plus 5mg of Diazepam and waiting for the inevitable drowsiness to set in. Whilst waiting, I ran a bath but tried to keep everything as normal as possible (I hoped). I should point out at this stage that as I'm asthmatic if I'm having a bout of insomnia I can't use barbiturates, because they depress respiratory function so I'm usually prescribed 25mg of Amitriptyline as a sleeping pill, but now that the dose has been increased to it's anti-depressant levels it's giving me 6 times the dose I need to sleep so, when they knock me out, it's difficult to rouse me.
So as soon as I was feeling sleepy enough, I posted the following message to my LJ account,
I then logged out of everything, and climbed into the bath reclining to the point that it's only my back and stomach muscles tensing that is keeping my head above water. I went slightly under a couple of times as I was starting to doze, but the water coming up my nose woke me for a bit and then I'd start to dose again. As my husband has closed his LJ account I thought it would take a while for any message to get to him, however, I didn't take into consideration the various people who actually look at my LJ. So a friend in Jersey, who didn't have our phone numbers, called a mutual friend, who in turn tried to call my husband but couldn't get through because he's had to change his mobile number to stop the bitch's text messages, so in the end had to call my mobile instead to alert him. My husband used a screwdriver to unlock the bathroom door from the outside and grabbed me, keeping my head above water until he could get the bath drained.
Now comes the big question. Did I really want to kill myself? I have to say that the answer is yes. I'm in a situation that I can't cope with. I have the girl who has followed my husband all the way to Edinburgh trying to make me feel like a visitor in my own home, coming around to my work and disrupting the place, insinuating herself into my circle of friends and trying to use them to gain sympathy when her plan to wreck my marriage and my life went wrong. At the moment it's like every single cell in my body is an open wound and is hypersensitive and I want to find a way to make the pain stop. Yes, my husband had an affair but when push came to shove he decided to stay with me, but at what price to my sanity. If he's late home from work I'm wondering if he's gone to see her, I'm wondering what plans he is making behind my back, who else he might be seeing, and all the while it seems as though I'm the one who is being portrayed as the bad guy. I get the feeling that people are avoiding me like I'm some sort of plague carrier, and it has all become really too much for me to bear.
I know that this post is a bit of a ramble but I'm currently not really thinking straight, I'm not so much living as going through the motions. I'm sorry so many people were alarmed, but to be honest I really didn't think anyone would care. Maybe that's true or maybe it's just my perception, but the honest truth is that at the time I locked the bathroom door I really didn't want or expect to leave the room alive
So as soon as I was feeling sleepy enough, I posted the following message to my LJ account,
So long, Farewell. Auf Weidersehn, Goodbye..
Jul. 10th, 2006 | 09:21 pm
I'm sick of this situation with a little slut by the name of Charlotte H----- doing her best to blame HER actions on me. Listen you little whore get back down to Leith Docks were you belong - I think your arse is worth about a fiver a fuck.
As for me I can't cope with this. I've taken my amytriptiline and the valium based stuff the doctor gave me and I'm now feeling sleepy - time to lock myself into my bathroom and climb into that nice bath I've run. AND IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT CHARLOTTE.
As for the rest of you, it's been nice knowing you.
I then logged out of everything, and climbed into the bath reclining to the point that it's only my back and stomach muscles tensing that is keeping my head above water. I went slightly under a couple of times as I was starting to doze, but the water coming up my nose woke me for a bit and then I'd start to dose again. As my husband has closed his LJ account I thought it would take a while for any message to get to him, however, I didn't take into consideration the various people who actually look at my LJ. So a friend in Jersey, who didn't have our phone numbers, called a mutual friend, who in turn tried to call my husband but couldn't get through because he's had to change his mobile number to stop the bitch's text messages, so in the end had to call my mobile instead to alert him. My husband used a screwdriver to unlock the bathroom door from the outside and grabbed me, keeping my head above water until he could get the bath drained.
Now comes the big question. Did I really want to kill myself? I have to say that the answer is yes. I'm in a situation that I can't cope with. I have the girl who has followed my husband all the way to Edinburgh trying to make me feel like a visitor in my own home, coming around to my work and disrupting the place, insinuating herself into my circle of friends and trying to use them to gain sympathy when her plan to wreck my marriage and my life went wrong. At the moment it's like every single cell in my body is an open wound and is hypersensitive and I want to find a way to make the pain stop. Yes, my husband had an affair but when push came to shove he decided to stay with me, but at what price to my sanity. If he's late home from work I'm wondering if he's gone to see her, I'm wondering what plans he is making behind my back, who else he might be seeing, and all the while it seems as though I'm the one who is being portrayed as the bad guy. I get the feeling that people are avoiding me like I'm some sort of plague carrier, and it has all become really too much for me to bear.
I know that this post is a bit of a ramble but I'm currently not really thinking straight, I'm not so much living as going through the motions. I'm sorry so many people were alarmed, but to be honest I really didn't think anyone would care. Maybe that's true or maybe it's just my perception, but the honest truth is that at the time I locked the bathroom door I really didn't want or expect to leave the room alive
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