Happy Hogswatch!

It seems as though half the good stuff for the Christmas period has already been shown on TV, including Terry Pratchett's Hogfather which was broadcast on Sunday and Monday. Given that there was some good stuff on the box, that our existing TV was beginning to show it's age and a friend was most disparaging about it's (lack of) size in our huge living room, hubby and I decided that we would sacrifice pressies for each other and collectively spend the cash on a new 32" LCD HD ready widescreen TV. This rates as rather good. On the other hand hubby has got a cold and is coughing away and generally doing what men do when they are a teensy bit sick, ie moaning that he isn't feeling well. I had a similar bug about a month ago and despite the feeling that I really couldn't get out of bed still managed to drag myself into work each day with one exception which was when the pressure build up in my sinuses caused me to have a massive nose bleed. Even then I was in work by lunchtime, and carrying on as normal.

If also seems that we were lucky that our plans to go away for the Christmas period fell through as many flights from UK airports have been closed due to sever freezing fog. Apparently visibility at Heathrow was less that 100 metres for much of the day. If it carries on like this we'll have another definition of white christmas.

In other news I'm really struggling with all my craft projects because I have absolutely zero motivation. I've tried knitting socks but that has been more of a chore that a relaxation amd even though I've finished knitting a little donkey jacket I can't be bothered blocking and stitching together the pieces. I've a moss stitch baby blanket to finish which is driving me nuts and I've started on a stole in a cashmire silk which is beautiful to knit with, however, the pattern is a complete sod.

So everyone have a happy holiday because at the moment it sure looks like I won't

Long time no blog

There has been nothing much to say or, to be more accurate, there is nothing that I can safely say in this forum due to not so veiled threats. There is of course the closed forum where I can speak freely and name names and should the suggestion that getting someone to hack into the account to see what is being said is followed through, then the authorities WILL be notified and prosecutions for criminal activity likely to ensue.

Anyway, back to what I'm really blogging about.

Hubby is being very nice to me at the moment. It makes me wonder what he is playing at and what he is trying to hide. There is still no news on when we will be assigned to another couples councillor so we are just carrying on being increasingly distant. We had another row, this time about all the stuff he has done that has screwed up my life and how it's okay for him because my sacrifice has put him in a position whereby he can get by without me, but I'm in a position where I'm in effect tied to him because my chances of getting a high paid job flew out of the window when I quit my degree to support him. Fifteen years on and there is still no mention of his promised provision while I return to get a degree and when I asked him how we would stand if I just quit work he said he'd rather I didn't do that becasue he didn't want to be spending all his money on maintaining the apartment, etc. Nice, eh?

So last night he insisted that we go out for a meal. There is a restaurant called "First Coast" close to where we live that we keep saying that we should check out, so last night that is what we did and we really wish we hadn't bothered. As we arrived we were taken to our table, the girl just pointed to the coat rack and said "you can hang your coats there" before heading off. We dealt with our coats and were just sitting down when another girl appeared with menus and before we had even a chance to open them there was a guy there asking if we had decided what we wanted. Answer = no. What about drinks he asked. I gave him a look and hubby said we needed a few minutes. Sheesh talk about rushing you. The menu was very limited and whilst everything individually looked interesting it was so badly thought out that there was no way that you could create a meal that had a nice balance of flavours and textures. In the end we chose to just have a main meal each, hubby having the fillet steak and I had that pan fried breast of duck. Hubby said that the steak was okay though the "Sizzling Scot" (next door to "First Coast") does steak better and my duck was, at best, disappointing. It was over-cooked and tough at one end and under cooked and barely warm at the other, the beetroot mash was increadibly salty and ranged from piping hot on the surface to warm in the middle, and the vegetables were mixed between warm and chilled. It takes a special kind of incompetence to cook THAT badly in a restaurant. The guy who was rushing us came up at one point to refill our glasses, which neither of us wanted and so asked him not to. He ignored us, so hubby lifted his glass off the table. Then the waiter moved to refill my glass. I covered it with my hand. He still tried to position himself to pour the wine. I kept my hand in place. He went to lean over me to pour into hubby's glass (which was now back on the table) my hubby covered his glass with his hand. In the end I said "please do not do that we can pour our own wine if we want more" but he still hovered for a few seconds clearly not sure what to do when patron's refuse to be bullied into drinking faster that they want. It was the same waiter who cleared the table when we had finished the meal and yet again he was leaning over me and almost pushing me aside. And all this at over £20 per head. Well we said we'd check out the place and having done so have decided that we won't go there again.

Meanwhile in other news I have the job of rebuilding the website for the local knitting circle, all I need now is some input from the arty one's so that have a design for it.

Work!

There is still no "official" news as to when (or if) I will be allowed to return to work. However, I had a phone call today from a colleague, who said that the temp who is covering for me has been told that she will be there for the long term and there is the anticipation that I will be working for months on a part-time basis. This is not good and yet again goes completely against the medical advise that they are being given, but because being at home is making me more depressed they are stupidly thinking that they were right in their actions. My line manager has pissed me off more than words can express and I sure as hell don't trust her any more, in fact, I really don't even want to talk to her.

So I spend each day sitting at home, brooding about how the world and his dog thinks I'm totally incapable of making decisions or even doing anything, so they are just saying the same thing that my step-father drilled into me for years as I was growing up. And if everyone is saying it then it must be true.

Still waiting

Still no news when or even if I will be allowed back to work, which is particularly interesting given the figures released late last night for World Mental Health day and published on the BBC News site. So I'm back to waiting, wondering and getting depressed again.

Update

I seem to have a date to go back, just waiting for the "official" letter.

To the sick bastard who keeps messaging me

No I will not kill myself to please you or Charlotte. If and when I kill myself it will be for my reasons, on my terms, and one thing is for certain even if I'm out of the way my husband would never go back to that psychotic bitch. After all when he had to make a decision as to who he was staying with, knowing that whoever he chose the other was likely to try to kill herself, he chose to stay with me. On that basis you could say that if he could only save the life of one of us he'd let her die. On the other hand it could be that despite her emotional blackmail saying she was going to kill herself if he didn't leave me, he knew full well that it was only a ploy to get lots of attention.

So whoever the fuck you are - BACK OFF

*Sigh*

I don't think that my marriage can be saved. My husband seems to think that he has the right to dictate the healing process, and that everything can now get back to normal. He's being his old secretive self, so I can't take it on trust that he is working when he is late home, and I'm always wondering whether his Japanese class is just a cover for something else. It's really not doing me any good at all, but I don't know if I can make the break. I still get the feeling that I don't have a job to return to, though I have finally got an appointment with the OHU doctor, so things may be a bit clearer after that meeting, at which point I can start making decisions about what is going to happen with my life. I have an appointment to see about alternate housing and the name of a solicitor who is apparently very efficient in arranging divorces quickly. Hubby doesn't know yet that I've done this (though I appreciate that he will if he reads this), and I need to find a time to discuss this with him. He will most likely go quiet and get all upset in an attempt to make me feel guilty, but I'm not going to play that game. That's what he's continually been doing to keep me under control and make me miserable, well now he can reap his reward. Unless he is prepared to change and stop treating me as a worthless commodity there is no way to get around this. So I suppose the ball is in his court.

UPDATE

Appointment with OHU doctor was disappointing for various reasons, however, on the plus side he has agreed (in line with what my health care providers have said all along) that I should be allowed back to work. Now it's in the hands of the catberts and my line manager, so I'm still in limbo.

Humour

I found a web site with some challenging humour. Some of the cartoons like this one are very clever.

Enjoy

I've had an interesting email asking how I can be suicidal when I'm not depressed. The answer is that it's quite easy. It all depends on your attitude to death and the replacement of the word suicide with euthenasia.

Let me explain. Most people in this country are brought up to follow a Christian ideology, even if they don't practice the religion. Within this ideology there are a few aspects that mark out a culture as being civilized. Relating to this question there are two prime examples, firstly that if any "dumb" animal is suffering it is a mark of our compassion and humanity that we should euthenase the animal to "put it out of it's misery" and secondly that if someone is talking of killing themself then it is a mark of our compassion and humanity that we should stop them from taking their own life. This second option is extrapolated right down to people who have terminal illnesses that are causing them extreme pain.

As I see it these two examples demonstrate a fundamental hypocracy in the nature of western culture. How can we be civilised if on the one hand we make sweeping decisions relating to the value of life of an animal that is unable to express it's needs and desires to us yet at the same time refuse to afford the same "compassion" to other humans who can clearly vocalise their wishes? How can we be civilised if we will euthenase a sick animal for it's well being yet enforce a life of pain and suffering on other people who can express their own desire to cease living?

We are also constantly being told that the desire to end one's life is irrational, but where does this idea come from? The answer is most notably the Church as seen in the historical attitude to suicide (suicides were not allowed burial in consecrated ground as taking one's own life was seen as a mortal sin and was in fact against the law in the UK until 1961).

In other cultures and in different times attitude to suicide has been completely different as can be seen from the following article on the Mind website

Attitudes towards suicide

Suicide has occurred consistently throughout recorded history in every cultural and social setting. However, attitudes towards suicide have varied widely in different ages, cultures and societies.

In ancient Greece and Rome, suicide was generally seen as an honourable or heroic form of death. Eleven instances of suicide are mentioned in the Old Testament: these are reported simply and are given no negative connotations. One of the most famous examples of suicide was the mass suicide of Jews at Masada in 73 AD. This was generally perceived to have been an honourable action to avoid falling into the hands of the defeating Roman Army.

In the early years of Christianity, St Augustine (345-430 AD) pronounced suicide to be a 'mortal sin'. A century later, the Christian Church prohibited the saying of masses for the souls of those who died by suicide, and they were denied burial in hallowed ground. The last recorded 'unhallowed' burial of a suicide in Britain occurred as late as 1823.[59]

In Japan, the Samurai had ritual codes for different methods of suicide which would bring them 'death before dishonour'. Even in modern Japan there is little stigma associated with suicide, an example being the suicide of writer Yukio Mishima.

Within the Hindu faith, although there appears to be a general taboo against suicide, particularly among men, the idea of 'altruistic' suicide is acceptable, and there is a historic tradition associated with bereaved women, particularly widows, committing suicide.

As recently as the 1950s, people in Britain were still being sent to prison for attempting suicide. The 1961 Suicide Act repealed the law under which both actual and attempted suicides were held to be criminal acts. England and Wales were the last countries in Europe to decriminalise suicide. The word 'suicide', itself, has the implication of being a criminal act, literally meaning self-murder.

In Britain, at the beginning of the twenty-first century, with suicide no longer considered a crime, church membership at an all time low, a general loosening of moral prohibitions, and an emphasis on personal freedom, suicide or taking one's own life appears to be more socially acceptable than ever before. Certainly, there would appear to be fewer moral and psychological obstacles standing between people and the act of suicide.

There is of course also the negative publicity that is given to suicide bombers. Rather than looking at what motivates people to give up their lives whilst striking a blow at their enemies (whether real or perceived) we are confronted with media attitudes that demonise them as being psychotic. Yet if we look at the video tapes that are invariably left behind these people show a rationalism for their actions that is based entirely in their belief system. There will, of course, be much argument as to whether the belief system is right or wrong and the morality of the methodology, but that argument is one of politics and only time will determine the long term attitudes to groups who are currently seen as terrorist organisations (after all the N. Ireland assembly has as an elected official someone who was imprisoned for terrorist acts and Hamas are the democratically elected representatives of the Palestinian people. The former Premier of Israel, Menachem Begin, was a wanted terrorist as was the Defense Minister, Moshe Dayan). The point I want to make about it is that the negative media means that just using the word "suicide" makes people think in terms of fanatics so that even terminally ill patients who want to die with dignity are treated in the same way (i.e psychotic fanatics).

Now we are in a new age where people are looking at taking full responsibility for their own lives and it is my belief that this should include the right to die without judgement or interference.

Chaos Abounds

I've started a new blog called Chaos Abounds. It's not really a blog but a place where I can play with the blogger templates to get the look and feel I want without messing around with the main blog and completely wrecking everything. I've left the comments on the new blog open so I can get feedback on the look of the layout, please don't comment on anything else there. I've also stopped commenting on this blog for the time being. As I moderate all comments people are not seeing the amount of spam commenting that I'm currently getting, not to mention the hate comments that are telling me to hurry up and kill myself so that hubby and the bitch "can be happy together". I don't need that crap right now. The few people who are really concerned and are actually giving support have my email address and are more than welcome to use that to send comments. Hopefully the sad, sick individuals that are trying to get me upset again will get fed up and crawl back into their sewer.

Hamster seriously injured in high speed crash

The speed freaks out there will have no doubt already heard this.

Richard "Hamster" Hammond has been seriously injured whilst filming a piece for Top Gear. Apparently he was attempting to break the British land speed record at the former RAF base at Elvington nr York when the jet powered car crashed at high speed (in the order of 300 mph). Early news indicated that the vehicle was upside down and that when assistance arrived Hammond was unconscious, though later editions state that he was drifting in and out of consciousness. He was transferred to the Neurological Unit at Leeds General Infirmary (where I worked in Medicine for the Elderly until transferring to Jimmy's in 1989) and his condition , which was originally given as "critical" has been revised to "stable".

It's a sad day as he is one of the true motoring enthusiasts, and it is likely that this will be the end of Top Gear.

Blog changes

I've made a couple of changes to the blog. The main title and about from the sidebar have been swapped as it didn't make much sense the way it was. I'm also looking at changing the template as I really don't like the existing blogger template, but it was, as they say, the best of a bad bunch. I'm not guaranteeing that the changes will be any time soon. I'm notoriously bad at design so the arty bit could take a very long time.

Insomniac blues

It's just past 2 am.

I'm sitting at the computer trying to find something that acts as a soporific.

I'm bored, lonely and depressed.

The worst thing about the current situation is that I'm stuck at home with nobody wanting to speak with me, and the delusional, psychotic, slut of an ex-mistress is getting lots of attention. Anyone would think she was the victim in all of this.

John Lewis

A few years ago, after the store was refurbished, John Lewis in Edinburgh decided that, for some reason, they were no longer going to supply dressmaking patterns and fabric. Imagine my surprise when I went in today to find that they have reversed this decision and the fabrics are back. No more trips to Glasgow to get decent fabric and current patterns. I think I did freak out the assistant there though - she said I was the first customer that actually jumped for joy at the sight of the newly reinstated fabric section.

Later on I went to the City Cafe to join the City Knitty folks where much knitting and gossiping was done and a good night was generally had by all.

Orkut

Some time ago I was invited to join Orkut, which in principle is an idea that I quite like. A closed community where access is gained by invitation only thus, in theory, removing the weirder elements of the net and reducing the amount of spam that people are subjected to. However, this does not seem to work, very quickly there is a market for invitations and the undesirable elements that most netizens would prefer to avoid end up flooding the internal messaging system with spam etc. Google (who own Orkut) have been very good is cracking down on this and have altered the way that the system passes on messages cross posted to several lists. But as is their way the spammers have got around this by now adding their advertisments to the scrapbooks of their victims, thus creating another avenue of annoyance. I don't know what can be done to stop this new phenomena but I really hope that something is done soon as the amount of spam is killing Orkut, just as the spam commenters threatened to kill Livejournal.

I should be ashamed of myself

I don't normally do memes, quizzes and the like but every once in a while one gets past the barricade like this one, which I offer as a perfect example as to why these things are stupid.

You Are a Pundit Blogger!

Your blog is smart, insightful, and always a quality read. Truly appreciated by many, surpassed by only a few

What Kind of Blogger Are You?

Names

Hubby and I are finally looking at getting our web pages set up with our own domain. This has caused the problem of finding a name for the domain. I wouldn't mind having rathgild.org or something like that but it's not ideal for hubby, especially as he is looking at a long term IT project with a friend of his. We did think of naming the house and getting the domain to match that, but we haven't come up with anything that we both like yet. Given that the "new" flat is huge and has near white carpets, cream walls, and we were mad enough to buy a white sofa, I thought the something that translated as "white palace" would be nice but he doesn't like that, so we are now running out of ideas. Anyone out there got any suggestions?

Work (again)

It seems that despite being put on compulsory leave (against the advise of my health care providers) my employers now want sick lines to cover my absence. It seems that everytime I get something moving forward to get me to go back to work they put something else in my path and will not budge until such time as the new conditions are met. Hubby is back to spending more and more time away from home, so my mind is now thinking in terms as who is he seeing now which isn't helping things either, and I've come to the conclusion that no matter how much they say they are different in Edinburgh, psychiatrists the world over are untrustworthy ego maniacs.

Clarification

I should make something clear for people to have a better understanding of me.

(a) I am suicidal

(b) I am depressed

For most people (a) follows on from (b) as they increasingly see no solution to the situation that is causing (b).

However, for me (a) and (b) are completely separate. (a) is a situation that I have been in for as long as I can remember, the reasons are long, complex and to be quite frank are not for public consumption (past experience has taught me that if I reveal these reasons to anyone they are inevitably turned around and used against me, which can cause a period of (b)).

(b) is generally caused by something situational such as my husband having an affair with a 19 year old, and my line manager having the attitude that I cannot do my job.

Sometimes (b) increases my motivation to act on (a) but largely the fear of failure and it's consequenses are the only thing that prevents me from actioning those thoughts.

I'm the only person I know who despite being as happy as a songbird on the day of my wedding was still wishing in the morning that I was dead and was berating myself for not having the courage to do anything to end my life when I went to bed. My desire to die is long standing, and has been rationally thought out and despite the improvement in my mood the "suicidal ideation" was at a constant level. (One of the nurses at the hospital said that she had never met anyone like me as most people are really grateful that the medical teams had intervened, whereas I was disappointed and indignant at the intervention, and that although she did not agree with my argument in favour of being allowed to die, she agreed that it was arrived at by a process of rational thought and not as a emotional response.)

So there you have it.

Something to smile about.

Before all this aggravation started I weighed in at a hefty 16st 5lb (that's 229 lb or 104 kg), my bra size was 36G and I couldn't get jeans to fit because at Gap they only went up to 40 inch hips and so I couldn't get them over my fat bum.

Last week I went shopping for new lingerie and having been measured again I am now in a 34 GG bra. I can also get into the 40 inch hip jeans and on the scale this morning I weighed 14 st 9 (205 lb, 93 kg). Most of this weight has been lost whilst I was in hospital (says a lot about the poor quality of hospital food) so it's been a little fast, (24 lb in under 20 days) but even so it's good news, especially if I can maintain this weight or even better lose some more. If I work on the basis of about a pound per week loss to the end of the year that should get me to about 13½st for the start of next year. There is, of course, the whole other argument that if no one wants me around then why bother but I keep being told that I shouldn't think like that because this isn't what people are thinking. My response to that is if it isn't what they are thinking then why are they behaving as though it is?

Evicted!

In true Big Brother style it seems that I have been evicted from our social circle. Apparently some people are sick of being in the middle and some are equally sick of the stirring elements, well, stirring. So now I know that I'm perceived as a social pariah, deemed incapable of doing my job, and have only an unfaithful husband to talk to. And the psychiatrists think this is worth living for?!?!!