Arghh!!

I missed the main drinking session of the geekfest, due to continued illness. However, a couple of the "delegates" were at my Manchester place on Thursday night after kindly meeting me at the train station with offerings of beer and breezers. Pity I wasn't in a fit enough state to be a charming hostess, however, my boyfriend was also there and he made up for the manners I missed.

Friday was spent mainly in bed feeling like I was dying and Saturday was only fractionally better. The coughing spasms have left me with a pain in my chest and across my shoulder and I'm now having difficulty getting into a position where I'm comfortable, and to make matters worse I've taken all the paracetamol based pain killers I dare and they haven't worked.

I just have to keep reminding myself that things can only get better.

Blargh!!!

Well I missed the Holyrood tonight, which has upset me mightily. But seeing as I am laid low and in bed with a horrible flu bug I didn't think I would be popular if I spread it around. It's a nasty little bug too - gone straight for the chest, and as I have asthma it's a double whammy. I'm actually at the point where my ribs hurt from coughing and I am struggling to breathe.

I just hope I am okay for the weekend as it's the nixhelp geekfest, and I don't want to miss out on a full weekend of drinking, geeking, drinking and taking the piss with the bunch of psychos that I spend most of my free time communicating with via IRC.

An update will no doubt follow once I've sobered up after the event, assuming I can remember anything about it.

Charles Laughton Directs.....

    The Night of the Hunter

Sunday night I went to the Filmhouse in Edinburgh with and to a special screening of The Night of the Hunter.

I have always though that this was one of the best films I've ever seen and so finding that almost all of the original film rushes and out-takes still survived intrigued me. Added to this the fact that the director, Charles Laughton, kept the camera running between takes giving the opportunity to see how he interacted with his actors meant that I was eager to see the film, the rushes and hear the talk that was given.

In the past when I have been to other special screenings of this type, it has usually been someone giving a talk about the film whilst showing various clips to illustrate the points being made, followed by a showing of the film in question. In this case the showing was, in the words of Robert Gitt (the presenter) "the film with narration". Gitt commenced his talk by briefly going over the career of Charles Laughton, who was well know as an actor in films such as "Mutiny on the Bounty" (1935 - opposite Clark Gable as Fletcher Christian); "The Private Life of Henry VIII (1933) and, perhaps my favorite, David Lean's wonderfully executed "Hobsons Choice" (1953). Our lecturer for the evening then told of the history of the cuttings collection, and described what we were going to see, this being the film made up from the best bits of the rushes and out-takes. At this point he started the film.

From here on in, we had the film almost in its entirety, starting from the original idea to make a film of Davis Grubb's novel of the same name, through to the appalling marketing of the film studio. As each new person was added to the project a short biography was given which also explained how they gained their part in the film project. Laughton, who in his best roles tended to play overbearing tyrants, was surprising by the way be elicited performances from his actors in particular the two children, 12 year-old Billy Chapin as John and Sally Jane Bruce who, at 5½ years, was an absolute star as Pearl. Laughtons technique of keeping the camera running between takes allowed us to see the way he explained what he wanted and then gently coaxed the performance out of them. Sally, even for a young child was so professional, to the point that in some scenes she was rebuking Robert Mitchum (already a Hollywood star) for forgetting his lines.

There was only one scene where Laughton appeared to be a tyrant as a director and this was with Shelly Winters, though the question was raised did he shout at her because he was really angry, or was it an act on his part to make her feel as humiliated as the character she was portraying? Based on the other interactions with his actors I would say it was the latter.

Altogether I found it a most entertaining and enlightening evening, and I would certainly recommend that if you ever get the chance to see this film by the UCLA Film Archive take it as you will not be disappointed. Though as the very least you should see the film as released.

Patricia Winmill - 14/03/1945 - 01/06/2003

As those who read my journal will know I have been agonising over what I should be doing during my mother's illness from cancer. Her suffering is now over. She died peacefully at St Gemma's Hospice in Leeds at 23:25 on Sunday evening. She fought the "nasty little bugger" to the end, but in her final moments she must have realised that this was one battle she couldn't win and gave up the fight. I was with her round the clock from the very early hours of Saturday. Although she couldn't speak much - the drugs were making her sleepy - she was aware of her surroundings and if she felt that we were talking over her she let it be known with frowns and other gestures.

There are a few members of the live-journal community that knew her and they will know what a huge personality she had. Her passing will leave a huge gap in many people's lives and the one thing I am finding from talking to her friends is that those who knew her loved her.

I'm sorry that I couldn't be with her more during the final months of her life and that I wasn't there will be a burden I shall carry for many years, but in the end we were able to communicate and I was able to say my goodbyes. She died knowing how much both I and my partner, Paul, loved her, and that we will always miss her.

Funeral arrangements are being put into place for the morning of Tuesday, 10/06/2003. The family in general and myself in particular would ask that friends who wish to pay tribute do so by making a donation to St Gemma's Hospice in Leeds, whose care and compassion for both patients and relatives was wonderful.

Sometimes I feel like a motherless child...

        ...a long ways from home.

Well in the end the decision was taken out of my hands. My aunt called the doctor and by the time he called around to the house to check on my mum he'd already got the surgery staff to make arrangements for my mother to be admitted to a hospice. My aunt called me this afternoon to let me know what has been arranged. I told her that I knew that I was being lied to about how ill mum was and that in reality I didn't think mum would live to see next Christmas. My aunt just said "don't leave it till Christmas to visit, in fact, make it sooner than later". I think this is it. I'm at the point now where I'm going to dread answering the phone, or reading email or anything because it's not going to be long before I get the call to give me "the news".

Knowing this is really weird. On the one hand I am swinging from wailing in complete despair, to screaming with rage. And on the other there is a kind of resigned calm. There is nothing I can do, so I'm just waiting for the end in the same way I suppose you would wait on a runaway train heading for the precipice. Things happen and suddenly you realise that you are only a puppet with some demonic god(dess) of fate pulling on the strings, laughing as you try to make sense of things.

Either that or the matrix is real and Agent Smith has it in for all of us.

Oh God!

Today has been an up and down day!

Firstly I just discovered that it is more expensive to go to Leicester than it is to go to London from Edinburgh. The train fair is dearer that the air fare but because I don't have a current passport flying is out.

Got home just in time to have a visit from a random computer genius, so set up the downloads he wanted and went to the corner for pizza. Arrived back to receive phone call from my aunt. My mother is very ill. She is apparently getting confused to the point that she can't look after herself properly, and isn't taking her meds properly. My aunt said that they are not sure if it's the meds that are confusing her or whether it's an effect of the cancer (i.e. is there a secondary tumour on her brain?) It doesn't help that my step-father has Alzheimer's and so cannot look after her - in reality he can't even look after himself properly any more. Unfortunately it seems that my mum is no longer in a position to be able to look after herself either, let alone look after my step-father.

There is going to be a big family conference to decide what needs to be done and it appears that my aunt is favouring a nursing home, because as she said they both do need nursing care, not just family members keeping an eye on them. I really don't want to do this though. I feel as though I should be the one looking after them but as my aunt says I am not a qualified nurse, I can't make decisions about their meds, or provide the level of care they need no matter how willing, so I feel like I'm just ending up as one of those absent kids who put their parents in a home because it's just too much of a hassle to look after them. I really don't know what to do because it feels as though what ever happens I will be wrong.

So maybe I should just put on a brave face and take all the criticism and judgment from the know-alls.

Time for hard truths

I have been (wrongly I might add) accused of adding "nasty comments" to She Who Shall Remain Nameless' web blog. When I ran into her partner at the pub I was accused of getting my friends to send the messages on my behalf (and before he tries to deny that, it was commented upon by several of the people who were listening to the exchange).

I am getting sick to death of the lies that are emanating from that place.

And of course, now despite all the insults, lies and slanders that SWSRN has thrown at me (as well as at several other people) I apparently owe her an apology. Presumably that is because I am (a) still breathing and (b) not bowing down and worshiping the ground that she walks on. I could probably think of several other things that the self indulgant wannabe princess will say I need to apologise to her over, but as you may have gathered I am not in the business of rolling over and pandering to peoples hyper-inflated egos unless they pay me a healthy salary to do so, and even then I'm likely to take the piss.

This latest campaign seems to be SWSRN attempting to divert attension away from the fact that through her own rudeness she has upset a lot of people, and rather than do the honorable thing and apologise is trying to turn the very people who she has insulted into the people who are preying on her.

Well hello honey, welcome to the real world. Be rude to people and they get upset with you, try and turn it around so that you're the injured party and people think you are a nutter. Especially, when you go around accusing everyone who has ever upset you of being a dangerous looney, and at last count there were about half a dozen people she was calling dangerous looneys - that may have increased by now, though I wouldn't know because I'm not talking to her, and if I didn't have to keep fending off the latest accusation I don't think I would even acknowledge her existance. I don't take these accusations of hers that people are loony seriously, I mean in the normal course of daily life there are only so many dangerous maniacs that you are going to run into, unless that is, you work in a Psychiatic Unit, but she doesn't so, to be quite frank, she's over her quota.

So what to do?

Pooh!

Well I have just looked at the bills that have come in the post and I am seriously wondering how I am going to survive in Edinburgh without a job. At the moment I am being a drain on my partner's funds, in that whilst I'm not working I don't have enough coming in to pay the bills and he is subsidising me. It isn't cheap running two properties, two sets of electricity bills, phone bills, etc, so that by moving back to Manchester we would be saving nearly a thousand pounds a month.

Not withstanding the fact that my partner and I have been living apart for almost three years, which now getting to the point where it is a strain to be together because we have forgotten what it is like to be a couple.

And then of course I would be close to my mother who has lung cancer and is more ill than she lets on.

However, there is an equally compelling downside to moving back south. Firstly Manchester is a dump, it has odd highlights, but on the whole it could only be improved by the judicious use of a small thermonuclear device. Then I have a social life here with lots of great people that I meet at the Holyrood etc, which I wouldn't like to lose.

Finally there is the matter of timing. If I move back south now it gives a certain person an excuse to say that she has driven me away, and that she was right all along, and that I am an evil nasty bitch that no one in their right mind should speak to. but coming from a woman who is behaving like a five year old and who thinks that she owns the lives of all those that come into contact with her. Maybe if she got a job and stopped freeloading off others she'd get a sense of proportion

Oh I say!

State Troopers and Texas Rangers have been put on alert to find and detain 59 Texan Democrats, who staged a walkout from the state legislature on Monday. It was a move that came too late as the missing lawmakers were already over the border staying at a hotel in Ardmore, Oklahoma, where they plan to stay until the deadline for first passage of bills had passed.

And it's all over redistricting.

Apparently the Republicans won a majority in the Texas legislature and now want to redistrict in such a way that they will gain 5 extra seats. This despite the Texan redistricting should have happened two years ago but as a result of political shenanigans was put into the hands of the Courts. The newly elected Republican's, at the behest of their leaders in Washington, feel that the even handed approach of the Courts is not to be trusted and so their version (giving them the extra seats) is much more favourable and fair. Can you spell gerrimandered?

The down side of this is that several other important bills will also be scuppered by the walkout.

However, I can see the point of the Democrats actions. Within the package there are a number of bills that are aimed at giving extra benefits to the haves whilst reducing the benfits to the have-nots. (The Republicans want to push through a budget that will slash public spending but not raise taxes, and also another bill to put limits on lawsuits). The Republicans have acquired a huge majority, much like the one the Tories under Thatcher had, and are using that to force through legislation, much like the Tories did under... well you get the picture. The only way the Democrates have of stopping unpleasant legislation is to stop the House being quorate and this they are doing very effectively. That the leader of he House has ordered the law enforcment agencies to find and arrest these objectors raises serious concerns over the future of democracy in Texas.

Read more about this here and here and here and on many other sites listed at Google

The Email Saga Continues

Apparently it isn't my configuration that is wrong (well it is, but that isn't what is causing the problem). It appears that Blueyonder are at it again. Some spammer is sending a "dictionary attack" and has overloaded the mail servers. It would be funny if it wasn't for the fact that this happened to Blueyonder last year and they don't seem to have learned any lessons from it. Meanwhile all the email I thought had been eaten is slowly filtering into my inbox including the test emails one of my fellow IRC-ers send on Saturday night.

Technology, don't you just love it.

Bl***y Computers

If any one is thinking of emailing me - don't. Something in my configuration has gone splat and fetchmail is pulling in my emails but they are not getting to my inbox. I haven't a clue as to where they are going but looking at the archives on the mailing lists I subscribe to I reckon that I'm missing over 500 emails from the last two days alone. Personally I blame the friend who originally set my mail configuration, and as it's done in a such a weird and wooly manner there is no one on any of the help forums that can tell me how to fix the problem.

It looks as though I am going to have to wait until the next time there is an ObT around and see if he will set my mail system up into something usable.

Oh-Oh

Well that's been an interesting day, and it isn't over yet. Apparently She Who Shall Remain Nameless is upset that another candidate for the current Scottish election appointed me as a Polling Agent. I like being a Polling Agent, it means I get to go to any Polling place in the district and harass the Election staff on the excuse that I am observing that the election is being administed fairly and in accordance with the Representation of the People Act. It also means I get to go to the Count.

Now I let slip to She Who Shall Remain Nameless's other half, at which point he decided that the other candidate was a "fuckwit" because this will upset SWSRN. Furthermore, today either SWSRN or her other half (not sure which - I'll need to clarify that) rang the Candidate who I an Polling Agent for and lambasted him for allowing me to attend the Count. Apparently I'm a lunatic who is going out of my way to go to places so that SWSRN cannot go.

Now as I read that, it means that I am not allowed to speak with anyone, or go to any public house, or any cinema, theatre or book event, or set foot outside of my flat because she might just want to go to the same thing and if I'm there SWSRN cannot possibly attend, and I have to live my life in such a way that I cannot cause any offence of upset to her. Yeah right!

This is the woman who thinks that insulting people is funny, and when you tell her it isn't gives you a mouthful of abuse. This is the woman who has never had a proper job in her life and so can't comprehend why those who do would really like to keep them. This is the woman who allegedly cannot lie but is regularly caught out in some enormous whoppers.

So do I become a nun and avoid all social content to keep her happy, or do I give her a big up yours?

Phew!

I think my stalker might have seen that he isn't having any effect on me. Somebody who I don't even know said that he actually sounded like an obsessed nutter and following that he has removed all the offensive material that was posted on Live Journal. On the advise of the abuse team I did however, save the journal, so that I still have evidence for any impending legal actions. I still, of course, have all the email logs, that prove beyond doubt that my unknown hero is in fact right, and I have to thank all the people who emailed, phoned or called around to offer support. The stalker tried to put himself in the position of being the vicitm, yet he was the one who was going out of his way to harass me. I have had to have my phone calls on both my land line and mobile screened, my email account set to reject mail from this person, I had to ban him from commenting on my live journal, and set anonymous comments to screened, and with each block I put in place he tried to find away around it. Does that actually make him sound like the victim? No I didn't think so. Unfortunately I find that I am not the only person who has suffered at his hands. There are a couple of people who are so traumatised by my stalker that they are genuinely afraid at the mere mention of his name. For them I am pleased that I made a stand. This guy's name is now lodged with the Police, and investigations are continuing. Even if he only gets a slap on the wrist this time, it means that the next person he tries this on will have more protection and so on down the line. I have suffered the emotional trauma of a paranoid obsessive trying to turn me into some sort of a monster, but I have refused to lie down and let him demonise me.

And finally, I would once again like to thank my unknown hero, who I don't think knows quite how much he has helped me, and all those who did support me.

OOPS!!!!

I should have done this update last night but I was going through final arrangements for next week with a friend.

Going to see Metropolis tonight at the Filmhouse with Andrew and Lorna. Meeting at the Starbucks opposite the old ABC on Lothian Road at 5:15 pm. Any of the usual K Jackson's crowd and anyone else who knows us are all welcome to come and join in.

Happiness is...

Sitting on your own, listening to calming music, with a large tub of Haagen Dazs Toffee Creme. Okay I might only have a few spoonfuls but there is no one here to demand their share.

Bliss...

I had a really good relaxing night tonight. Went around to Claudio's to have the latest lesson in cooking Italian food. Today's lesson: pizza and antipasto. Aubergine slices roasted in olive oil and served with a spicy dip, a simple pizza margherita and an aubergine and mushroom pizza (well it was a big aubergine). I had always thought that pizza dough was really hard to make but it is so simple, easier than ordinary bread. And homemade is always scrummier than shop bought.

Yummy!

Favorite restaurant is open again after major refurbishment works. It's absolutely fab. The area that used to be smoking is now non-smoking, they've added an extension at the back that is now the smoking area and there is a huge new "Party Room". There's a new menu too, with lots of yummy additions, (polenta, spagetti served with mixed veg). I need to check my bank balance because I can't wait to be testing all the new things.

UPDATE: Wednesday 16 April 2003

Oh it has been so busy around here what with one thing and another, that I have only just had time to sit down to thing about the things that happened on the Wednesday bash. Got to the Tav late because I was rebuilding part of the network, cables everywhere. I really need to get some truncking and run the cat 5 under the floorboards. As ordered by I wore the lycra top of impossible cleavage (that was one of my best buys in Gap, it's only lycra but it gives the same support as a loose fitting ribbon corset). There was the point when we tried the Mexican boob jiggle, though being the Tav no one batted an eyelid. Sarah introduced me to a friend of hers (sorry can't remember your name) who is looking to get her first corset and didn't know what she wanted, so that set up a discussion that seemed to take in half the women in the place as well as a couple of the men.

Some of the writers were in the pub so as things started quieten down just before closing, I sank into the sofa but as they were discussing the planning for a forthcoming event I ended up talking with and a couple of people he was with about value of culture, of life and the media perception of it's value. Said cheerio to them at closing time and went with the writers on to Favorit. Nice cafe bar open till 3am with great food. Finally got kicked out of there at 3:30 (we think the staff wanted to lock up) and headed home, sun was already up before I finally got to bed and so I'm now completely out of sync wanting to sleep during the day and party at night. Ho hum!

Oh-Oh

It would appear that my stalker is now enlisting the help of others to attack me. A poor wee innocent thing by all accounts. Well I don't doubt that. I wonder if she is aware that her "hero" wanted me to try to get in with her so that I could report back. Yes. He was pushing me to be her best buddy so I could let him have all the juicy gossip about her, including who was her boyfriend because at the time she wasn't telling, and is she was sleeping with anyone else. She also better beware, because it was only 12 months ago he was declaring how I was his "Chosen One", so when she gets fed up of his demands on her time she will have to suffer the same barrage I'm getting now.

Stalker Alert

It's official, I have a stalker. There is now a police incident about this person. Whilst I didn't want to put anything that would identify him in my journal and I have been very careful not to name him I find that I am now forced to do so. I have used all avenues to try to stop him from contacting me. I have made a call to the abuseteam of my phone company who are going to work with the police. I have blocked his login from commenting on my journal, I have all anonymous messages screened, though I was going to have all comments blocked, but this might be counter productive. I have logged an abuse call with the LJ abuse team and basically I am doing everything I can to get it across to this person that he (a) isn't frightening me (whilst really he is) and (b) I don't give a rat's arse about the lies and crap that he is spouting. I have email logs which I will make freely available to any of my friends who ask that actually prove beyond any doubt that this guy is talking out of his arse. Whilst I do not want anyone to take sides in this, I think that the various abuse teams, police and myself can handle this adequately, I feel that it is only fair to warn everyone who has me listed as a friend that this person may start to use your comment space to gain access to me. If this happens I would ask that if you have email logging on that you forward a copy of the email on to me at rathgild (@) blueyonder dot co dot uk so that I can add it to the pile of other stuff that I have retrieved from my backups, in relation to this guy. If you don't want to pass them to me there is an incident report at Lothian and Borders Police I expect that you will be able to pass it directly to them quoting incident number 545 17/4/2003.

And now for the bit that I find really hard the naming of the culprit. The journal that he created purely to harass me is [deleted]. He had gone out of his way to pay for an account here and his only postings are as I said a pile of delusional witterings, and I repeat anyone who wishes to compare what he is saying in that account with real events can upon request to have a copy of the email back up.