Work!

There is still no "official" news as to when (or if) I will be allowed to return to work. However, I had a phone call today from a colleague, who said that the temp who is covering for me has been told that she will be there for the long term and there is the anticipation that I will be working for months on a part-time basis. This is not good and yet again goes completely against the medical advise that they are being given, but because being at home is making me more depressed they are stupidly thinking that they were right in their actions. My line manager has pissed me off more than words can express and I sure as hell don't trust her any more, in fact, I really don't even want to talk to her.

So I spend each day sitting at home, brooding about how the world and his dog thinks I'm totally incapable of making decisions or even doing anything, so they are just saying the same thing that my step-father drilled into me for years as I was growing up. And if everyone is saying it then it must be true.

Still waiting

Still no news when or even if I will be allowed back to work, which is particularly interesting given the figures released late last night for World Mental Health day and published on the BBC News site. So I'm back to waiting, wondering and getting depressed again.

Update

I seem to have a date to go back, just waiting for the "official" letter.

To the sick bastard who keeps messaging me

No I will not kill myself to please you or Charlotte. If and when I kill myself it will be for my reasons, on my terms, and one thing is for certain even if I'm out of the way my husband would never go back to that psychotic bitch. After all when he had to make a decision as to who he was staying with, knowing that whoever he chose the other was likely to try to kill herself, he chose to stay with me. On that basis you could say that if he could only save the life of one of us he'd let her die. On the other hand it could be that despite her emotional blackmail saying she was going to kill herself if he didn't leave me, he knew full well that it was only a ploy to get lots of attention.

So whoever the fuck you are - BACK OFF

*Sigh*

I don't think that my marriage can be saved. My husband seems to think that he has the right to dictate the healing process, and that everything can now get back to normal. He's being his old secretive self, so I can't take it on trust that he is working when he is late home, and I'm always wondering whether his Japanese class is just a cover for something else. It's really not doing me any good at all, but I don't know if I can make the break. I still get the feeling that I don't have a job to return to, though I have finally got an appointment with the OHU doctor, so things may be a bit clearer after that meeting, at which point I can start making decisions about what is going to happen with my life. I have an appointment to see about alternate housing and the name of a solicitor who is apparently very efficient in arranging divorces quickly. Hubby doesn't know yet that I've done this (though I appreciate that he will if he reads this), and I need to find a time to discuss this with him. He will most likely go quiet and get all upset in an attempt to make me feel guilty, but I'm not going to play that game. That's what he's continually been doing to keep me under control and make me miserable, well now he can reap his reward. Unless he is prepared to change and stop treating me as a worthless commodity there is no way to get around this. So I suppose the ball is in his court.

UPDATE

Appointment with OHU doctor was disappointing for various reasons, however, on the plus side he has agreed (in line with what my health care providers have said all along) that I should be allowed back to work. Now it's in the hands of the catberts and my line manager, so I'm still in limbo.

Humour

I found a web site with some challenging humour. Some of the cartoons like this one are very clever.

Enjoy

I've had an interesting email asking how I can be suicidal when I'm not depressed. The answer is that it's quite easy. It all depends on your attitude to death and the replacement of the word suicide with euthenasia.

Let me explain. Most people in this country are brought up to follow a Christian ideology, even if they don't practice the religion. Within this ideology there are a few aspects that mark out a culture as being civilized. Relating to this question there are two prime examples, firstly that if any "dumb" animal is suffering it is a mark of our compassion and humanity that we should euthenase the animal to "put it out of it's misery" and secondly that if someone is talking of killing themself then it is a mark of our compassion and humanity that we should stop them from taking their own life. This second option is extrapolated right down to people who have terminal illnesses that are causing them extreme pain.

As I see it these two examples demonstrate a fundamental hypocracy in the nature of western culture. How can we be civilised if on the one hand we make sweeping decisions relating to the value of life of an animal that is unable to express it's needs and desires to us yet at the same time refuse to afford the same "compassion" to other humans who can clearly vocalise their wishes? How can we be civilised if we will euthenase a sick animal for it's well being yet enforce a life of pain and suffering on other people who can express their own desire to cease living?

We are also constantly being told that the desire to end one's life is irrational, but where does this idea come from? The answer is most notably the Church as seen in the historical attitude to suicide (suicides were not allowed burial in consecrated ground as taking one's own life was seen as a mortal sin and was in fact against the law in the UK until 1961).

In other cultures and in different times attitude to suicide has been completely different as can be seen from the following article on the Mind website

Attitudes towards suicide

Suicide has occurred consistently throughout recorded history in every cultural and social setting. However, attitudes towards suicide have varied widely in different ages, cultures and societies.

In ancient Greece and Rome, suicide was generally seen as an honourable or heroic form of death. Eleven instances of suicide are mentioned in the Old Testament: these are reported simply and are given no negative connotations. One of the most famous examples of suicide was the mass suicide of Jews at Masada in 73 AD. This was generally perceived to have been an honourable action to avoid falling into the hands of the defeating Roman Army.

In the early years of Christianity, St Augustine (345-430 AD) pronounced suicide to be a 'mortal sin'. A century later, the Christian Church prohibited the saying of masses for the souls of those who died by suicide, and they were denied burial in hallowed ground. The last recorded 'unhallowed' burial of a suicide in Britain occurred as late as 1823.[59]

In Japan, the Samurai had ritual codes for different methods of suicide which would bring them 'death before dishonour'. Even in modern Japan there is little stigma associated with suicide, an example being the suicide of writer Yukio Mishima.

Within the Hindu faith, although there appears to be a general taboo against suicide, particularly among men, the idea of 'altruistic' suicide is acceptable, and there is a historic tradition associated with bereaved women, particularly widows, committing suicide.

As recently as the 1950s, people in Britain were still being sent to prison for attempting suicide. The 1961 Suicide Act repealed the law under which both actual and attempted suicides were held to be criminal acts. England and Wales were the last countries in Europe to decriminalise suicide. The word 'suicide', itself, has the implication of being a criminal act, literally meaning self-murder.

In Britain, at the beginning of the twenty-first century, with suicide no longer considered a crime, church membership at an all time low, a general loosening of moral prohibitions, and an emphasis on personal freedom, suicide or taking one's own life appears to be more socially acceptable than ever before. Certainly, there would appear to be fewer moral and psychological obstacles standing between people and the act of suicide.

There is of course also the negative publicity that is given to suicide bombers. Rather than looking at what motivates people to give up their lives whilst striking a blow at their enemies (whether real or perceived) we are confronted with media attitudes that demonise them as being psychotic. Yet if we look at the video tapes that are invariably left behind these people show a rationalism for their actions that is based entirely in their belief system. There will, of course, be much argument as to whether the belief system is right or wrong and the morality of the methodology, but that argument is one of politics and only time will determine the long term attitudes to groups who are currently seen as terrorist organisations (after all the N. Ireland assembly has as an elected official someone who was imprisoned for terrorist acts and Hamas are the democratically elected representatives of the Palestinian people. The former Premier of Israel, Menachem Begin, was a wanted terrorist as was the Defense Minister, Moshe Dayan). The point I want to make about it is that the negative media means that just using the word "suicide" makes people think in terms of fanatics so that even terminally ill patients who want to die with dignity are treated in the same way (i.e psychotic fanatics).

Now we are in a new age where people are looking at taking full responsibility for their own lives and it is my belief that this should include the right to die without judgement or interference.

Chaos Abounds

I've started a new blog called Chaos Abounds. It's not really a blog but a place where I can play with the blogger templates to get the look and feel I want without messing around with the main blog and completely wrecking everything. I've left the comments on the new blog open so I can get feedback on the look of the layout, please don't comment on anything else there. I've also stopped commenting on this blog for the time being. As I moderate all comments people are not seeing the amount of spam commenting that I'm currently getting, not to mention the hate comments that are telling me to hurry up and kill myself so that hubby and the bitch "can be happy together". I don't need that crap right now. The few people who are really concerned and are actually giving support have my email address and are more than welcome to use that to send comments. Hopefully the sad, sick individuals that are trying to get me upset again will get fed up and crawl back into their sewer.

Hamster seriously injured in high speed crash

The speed freaks out there will have no doubt already heard this.

Richard "Hamster" Hammond has been seriously injured whilst filming a piece for Top Gear. Apparently he was attempting to break the British land speed record at the former RAF base at Elvington nr York when the jet powered car crashed at high speed (in the order of 300 mph). Early news indicated that the vehicle was upside down and that when assistance arrived Hammond was unconscious, though later editions state that he was drifting in and out of consciousness. He was transferred to the Neurological Unit at Leeds General Infirmary (where I worked in Medicine for the Elderly until transferring to Jimmy's in 1989) and his condition , which was originally given as "critical" has been revised to "stable".

It's a sad day as he is one of the true motoring enthusiasts, and it is likely that this will be the end of Top Gear.

Blog changes

I've made a couple of changes to the blog. The main title and about from the sidebar have been swapped as it didn't make much sense the way it was. I'm also looking at changing the template as I really don't like the existing blogger template, but it was, as they say, the best of a bad bunch. I'm not guaranteeing that the changes will be any time soon. I'm notoriously bad at design so the arty bit could take a very long time.

Insomniac blues

It's just past 2 am.

I'm sitting at the computer trying to find something that acts as a soporific.

I'm bored, lonely and depressed.

The worst thing about the current situation is that I'm stuck at home with nobody wanting to speak with me, and the delusional, psychotic, slut of an ex-mistress is getting lots of attention. Anyone would think she was the victim in all of this.

John Lewis

A few years ago, after the store was refurbished, John Lewis in Edinburgh decided that, for some reason, they were no longer going to supply dressmaking patterns and fabric. Imagine my surprise when I went in today to find that they have reversed this decision and the fabrics are back. No more trips to Glasgow to get decent fabric and current patterns. I think I did freak out the assistant there though - she said I was the first customer that actually jumped for joy at the sight of the newly reinstated fabric section.

Later on I went to the City Cafe to join the City Knitty folks where much knitting and gossiping was done and a good night was generally had by all.

Orkut

Some time ago I was invited to join Orkut, which in principle is an idea that I quite like. A closed community where access is gained by invitation only thus, in theory, removing the weirder elements of the net and reducing the amount of spam that people are subjected to. However, this does not seem to work, very quickly there is a market for invitations and the undesirable elements that most netizens would prefer to avoid end up flooding the internal messaging system with spam etc. Google (who own Orkut) have been very good is cracking down on this and have altered the way that the system passes on messages cross posted to several lists. But as is their way the spammers have got around this by now adding their advertisments to the scrapbooks of their victims, thus creating another avenue of annoyance. I don't know what can be done to stop this new phenomena but I really hope that something is done soon as the amount of spam is killing Orkut, just as the spam commenters threatened to kill Livejournal.

I should be ashamed of myself

I don't normally do memes, quizzes and the like but every once in a while one gets past the barricade like this one, which I offer as a perfect example as to why these things are stupid.

You Are a Pundit Blogger!

Your blog is smart, insightful, and always a quality read. Truly appreciated by many, surpassed by only a few

What Kind of Blogger Are You?

Names

Hubby and I are finally looking at getting our web pages set up with our own domain. This has caused the problem of finding a name for the domain. I wouldn't mind having rathgild.org or something like that but it's not ideal for hubby, especially as he is looking at a long term IT project with a friend of his. We did think of naming the house and getting the domain to match that, but we haven't come up with anything that we both like yet. Given that the "new" flat is huge and has near white carpets, cream walls, and we were mad enough to buy a white sofa, I thought the something that translated as "white palace" would be nice but he doesn't like that, so we are now running out of ideas. Anyone out there got any suggestions?

Work (again)

It seems that despite being put on compulsory leave (against the advise of my health care providers) my employers now want sick lines to cover my absence. It seems that everytime I get something moving forward to get me to go back to work they put something else in my path and will not budge until such time as the new conditions are met. Hubby is back to spending more and more time away from home, so my mind is now thinking in terms as who is he seeing now which isn't helping things either, and I've come to the conclusion that no matter how much they say they are different in Edinburgh, psychiatrists the world over are untrustworthy ego maniacs.

Clarification

I should make something clear for people to have a better understanding of me.

(a) I am suicidal

(b) I am depressed

For most people (a) follows on from (b) as they increasingly see no solution to the situation that is causing (b).

However, for me (a) and (b) are completely separate. (a) is a situation that I have been in for as long as I can remember, the reasons are long, complex and to be quite frank are not for public consumption (past experience has taught me that if I reveal these reasons to anyone they are inevitably turned around and used against me, which can cause a period of (b)).

(b) is generally caused by something situational such as my husband having an affair with a 19 year old, and my line manager having the attitude that I cannot do my job.

Sometimes (b) increases my motivation to act on (a) but largely the fear of failure and it's consequenses are the only thing that prevents me from actioning those thoughts.

I'm the only person I know who despite being as happy as a songbird on the day of my wedding was still wishing in the morning that I was dead and was berating myself for not having the courage to do anything to end my life when I went to bed. My desire to die is long standing, and has been rationally thought out and despite the improvement in my mood the "suicidal ideation" was at a constant level. (One of the nurses at the hospital said that she had never met anyone like me as most people are really grateful that the medical teams had intervened, whereas I was disappointed and indignant at the intervention, and that although she did not agree with my argument in favour of being allowed to die, she agreed that it was arrived at by a process of rational thought and not as a emotional response.)

So there you have it.

Something to smile about.

Before all this aggravation started I weighed in at a hefty 16st 5lb (that's 229 lb or 104 kg), my bra size was 36G and I couldn't get jeans to fit because at Gap they only went up to 40 inch hips and so I couldn't get them over my fat bum.

Last week I went shopping for new lingerie and having been measured again I am now in a 34 GG bra. I can also get into the 40 inch hip jeans and on the scale this morning I weighed 14 st 9 (205 lb, 93 kg). Most of this weight has been lost whilst I was in hospital (says a lot about the poor quality of hospital food) so it's been a little fast, (24 lb in under 20 days) but even so it's good news, especially if I can maintain this weight or even better lose some more. If I work on the basis of about a pound per week loss to the end of the year that should get me to about 13½st for the start of next year. There is, of course, the whole other argument that if no one wants me around then why bother but I keep being told that I shouldn't think like that because this isn't what people are thinking. My response to that is if it isn't what they are thinking then why are they behaving as though it is?

Evicted!

In true Big Brother style it seems that I have been evicted from our social circle. Apparently some people are sick of being in the middle and some are equally sick of the stirring elements, well, stirring. So now I know that I'm perceived as a social pariah, deemed incapable of doing my job, and have only an unfaithful husband to talk to. And the psychiatrists think this is worth living for?!?!!

The Month in Review

As previously noted I was in hospital for a chunk of August. So here's a synopsis to let you know what happened.

As most people will have noticed right up to my last posting I was getting more depressed partly because of the way I was being excluded from work, but mainly because there had been a 19 year old chasing after my husband who had almost managed to wreck my marriage. Someone had put, in response to one of my posts, that she was relieved to no longer be chased by an older man (???) and that she was now seeing someone closer to her own age (hmm a 30 year old instead of a 34 year old!!!) the whole tone of which being that she was the unwelcome recipient of my husband's attentions (a complete lie - but more of that later). After that, the comment poster and I had a text exchange on the Saturday night (5th Aug), which was a unsatisfactory as it was upsetting, and this had exacerbated my depression over the weekend. Work, or rather the way that I have been excluded from work and the fight I'm having to get back to my job, kicked in on my already low mood on Monday and made things worse still (as I said in the entry on that day).

Tuesday I was in a slightly better frame of mind but not by much and on Wednesday I had yet another panic attack which I sort of got over but after a couple of hours had another massive wave of depression which resulted in my taking another (bigger) overdose of amitriptyline but hubby caught me as I was hiding the evidence so that was another ambulance trip to the local A&E. After 24 hours in A&E I was transferred to the local psychiatric hospital (10th Aug), so that I could be monitored as I was put onto newer drugs that are less dangerous in overdose, my mood level assessed and appropriate counselling provision put into place. I stayed there until yesterday (25th Aug).

Most of that time it's been pretty restful, all the things that were causing the stress and low mood were removed and I was pretty much left on my own to get on with some needlework which in itself was very therapeutic. That said, there was an incident with madam (she was there for an outpatient appointment) on Monday (21st Aug) where her behaviour towards me had me running back to the ward and so obviously distressed that the ward staff were worried that I was having a major downturn. Of course, her then knowing that I was inpatient and having probably heard on the grapevine that hubby was going to the pub on his own she decided to go to the bar herself. When we go to the bar we usually go in via the back entrance so that we can see who is there through the window before going in and so that we don't have to work our way through the throng of people to get to the corner where our friends usually congregate. On this occasion hubby saw someone we knew, and as he got more of a view of the corner saw the new man in her life and realising that she would be there turned around to head to the other window to get a better view where he saw she was slouching beside her new partner. A friend had already noticed hubby, turning and acknowledging his presence. Hubby shook his head and mouthed "no" to indicate that he wasn't going into the bar and didn't want anyone else to be made aware of his being there, where upon the friend immediately turned around and spoke directly to madam. She jumped up suddenly and seeing this my hubby turned to make a hasty departure. She then ran out of the pub and chased him. Despite her pestering, he told her clearly and without ambiguity in several different ways to leave him alone, even telling her to go back inside the bar to her new boyfriend, which she refused to do. He eventually flagged a passing taxi and was able to get away from her pleading. Within about quarter of an hour of leaving her she had made two calls to his mobile and because he wasn't accepting the calls left the following message on his answering service:

Don't just expect me to be cut loose, I'm not going to do that. I can't. You're driving me mad. It's not fair. Stop being an arsehole about this 'cos I really, really cannot be bothered. I can't cope again. I just can't cope. You just don't even bother. Now there is no reason why you can't let me know how you are doing once in a while, 'cos I will worry. I am going fucking sick with worry. Right. I'm in a constant state and I can't carry on like this. Please fucking let me know how you are from time to time I'm just going to go fucking mad. Speak to you soon. Bye.

Hubby then has a dilemma. Does he pretend that this hasn't happened and not tell me and hope that the elements in our social circle that seem to get pleasure from stirring things up don't say anything; does he wait till the morning and hope that these same stirring elements don't beat him to let me know what happened, or does he ring me straight away and tell me everything. He chose the latter option. Surprisingly it didn't depress me. It made me bloody angry and I demanded that he give me her mobile number. I called her and didn't let her get a word in edgeways. I told her in no uncertain terms that she was to stop harassing my husband. To get the point home I asked why she was still chasing him when he had said that he didn't want to see her any more? Was it that he hadn't paid her for sexual favours received? I told her to get out of our lives and to stop trying to wreck my life, my husband's life, and our social life, etc. I also said that the best thing she could do would be to leave Edinburgh because if she didn't stop harassing us and particularly that if she contacted me at my work (when and if I get back) I would take steps to have her restained. She then left a message on my mobile phone answering service:

Sorry to have to get back in touch with you but I'm sick of all this. I'm sick of fighting and bickering, it's just not doing anybody any good whatsoever. Ah, urm, now I'm trying to be the reasonable one as I was on Monday when I saw you in the Royal Ed I just walked away, because, erm, I don't want to cause anybody any grief, any hurt, etc, etc, because it's just not who I am. Erm.. Well I don't expect you to get back in touch with me because, er, well, to be honest why should you? Erm but er just give it a rest okay and, 'cos you know I'm not doing anything to you, I'm just staying away, and keeping away from everything. Alright, well I wish you well because I don't wish you anything (else ???). Erm I'll go right. Bye bye.

Now I'm sorry but what she is saying there does not bear any truth to the facts.

• If she is "sick of all this" why is she still trying to make contact with my husband?


• If she is "sick of fighting and bickering" why will she not respect our wishes and stay away from us?


• If "it's just not who [she] is" then why is she doing this?


• If she "is trying to be the reasonable one" why did she behave in such a way that upset me so much that the ward staff were worried about me?


• If she doesn't "want to cause anybody any grief, any hurt, etc, etc," why is she still trying to re-instigate the relationship with my husband hurting both him and me?


• If she's "not doing anything to [me]" why is she acting in a manner designed to cause me hurt and suffering?


• If she is "just staying away, and keeping away from everything" why did she choose to go to a bar that she only ever frequented during the time she was having the affair with my husband and at a time that she knew my husband was likely to be there?

She says that she doesn't want to re-instigate the relationship with my husband, but the message she left on his answering service is not giving that impression, and neither do her actions. Notice that she is, by inference, blaming me for the situation but despite being told to leave us alone she is still putting herself into a position were where she is being hurt at the constant rejection that she is getting from my husband, and not being adult and/or willing enough to accept the decision that he's made.

You can make your own mind up about her state of mind, motives, etc. All I know is that if she doesn't stop pestering us, or to be more precise pestering my husband, we will seek the protection of the courts and get an injunction against her, in fact, we are already looking at involving the police with a view to criminalising her harassment.

Update - 1 Sept 2006 Hubby has now made a report to the police so the next time she chases after him she will most likely get a visit from Plod.

As you'll have noticed, I've given my husband posting rights here so he can add anything he needs/wants to fill out gaps or correct mistakes I make in relaying events.

I'm back

Just a very brief post to let everyone know that I am out of hospital. Things have been eventful on the scheming mistress side of things, and once I've settled back at home Paul and I will give a fuller update of whats been going on.