Saturday, August 26, 2006

The Month in Review

As previously noted I was in hospital for a chunk of August. So here's a synopsis to let you know what happened.

As most people will have noticed right up to my last posting I was getting more depressed partly because of the way I was being excluded from work, but mainly because there had been a 19 year old chasing after my husband who had almost managed to wreck my marriage. Someone had put, in response to one of my posts, that she was relieved to no longer be chased by an older man (???) and that she was now seeing someone closer to her own age (hmm a 30 year old instead of a 34 year old!!!) the whole tone of which being that she was the unwelcome recipient of my husband's attentions (a complete lie - but more of that later). After that, the comment poster and I had a text exchange on the Saturday night (5th Aug), which was a unsatisfactory as it was upsetting, and this had exacerbated my depression over the weekend. Work, or rather the way that I have been excluded from work and the fight I'm having to get back to my job, kicked in on my already low mood on Monday and made things worse still (as I said in the entry on that day).

Tuesday I was in a slightly better frame of mind but not by much and on Wednesday I had yet another panic attack which I sort of got over but after a couple of hours had another massive wave of depression which resulted in my taking another (bigger) overdose of amitriptyline but hubby caught me as I was hiding the evidence so that was another ambulance trip to the local A&E. After 24 hours in A&E I was transferred to the local psychiatric hospital (10th Aug), so that I could be monitored as I was put onto newer drugs that are less dangerous in overdose, my mood level assessed and appropriate counselling provision put into place. I stayed there until yesterday (25th Aug).

Most of that time it's been pretty restful, all the things that were causing the stress and low mood were removed and I was pretty much left on my own to get on with some needlework which in itself was very therapeutic. That said, there was an incident with madam (she was there for an outpatient appointment) on Monday (21st Aug) where her behaviour towards me had me running back to the ward and so obviously distressed that the ward staff were worried that I was having a major downturn. Of course, her then knowing that I was inpatient and having probably heard on the grapevine that hubby was going to the pub on his own she decided to go to the bar herself. When we go to the bar we usually go in via the back entrance so that we can see who is there through the window before going in and so that we don't have to work our way through the throng of people to get to the corner where our friends usually congregate. On this occasion hubby saw someone we knew, and as he got more of a view of the corner saw the new man in her life and realising that she would be there turned around to head to the other window to get a better view where he saw she was slouching beside her new partner. A friend had already noticed hubby, turning and acknowledging his presence. Hubby shook his head and mouthed "no" to indicate that he wasn't going into the bar and didn't want anyone else to be made aware of his being there, where upon the friend immediately turned around and spoke directly to madam. She jumped up suddenly and seeing this my hubby turned to make a hasty departure. She then ran out of the pub and chased him. Despite her pestering, he told her clearly and without ambiguity in several different ways to leave him alone, even telling her to go back inside the bar to her new boyfriend, which she refused to do. He eventually flagged a passing taxi and was able to get away from her pleading. Within about quarter of an hour of leaving her she had made two calls to his mobile and because he wasn't accepting the calls left the following message on his answering service:

Don't just expect me to be cut loose, I'm not going to do that. I can't. You're driving me mad. It's not fair. Stop being an arsehole about this 'cos I really, really cannot be bothered. I can't cope again. I just can't cope. You just don't even bother. Now there is no reason why you can't let me know how you are doing once in a while, 'cos I will worry. I am going fucking sick with worry. Right. I'm in a constant state and I can't carry on like this. Please fucking let me know how you are from time to time I'm just going to go fucking mad. Speak to you soon. Bye.

Hubby then has a dilemma. Does he pretend that this hasn't happened and not tell me and hope that the elements in our social circle that seem to get pleasure from stirring things up don't say anything; does he wait till the morning and hope that these same stirring elements don't beat him to let me know what happened, or does he ring me straight away and tell me everything. He chose the latter option. Surprisingly it didn't depress me. It made me bloody angry and I demanded that he give me her mobile number. I called her and didn't let her get a word in edgeways. I told her in no uncertain terms that she was to stop harassing my husband. To get the point home I asked why she was still chasing him when he had said that he didn't want to see her any more? Was it that he hadn't paid her for sexual favours received? I told her to get out of our lives and to stop trying to wreck my life, my husband's life, and our social life, etc. I also said that the best thing she could do would be to leave Edinburgh because if she didn't stop harassing us and particularly that if she contacted me at my work (when and if I get back) I would take steps to have her restained. She then left a message on my mobile phone answering service:

Sorry to have to get back in touch with you but I'm sick of all this. I'm sick of fighting and bickering, it's just not doing anybody any good whatsoever. Ah, urm, now I'm trying to be the reasonable one as I was on Monday when I saw you in the Royal Ed I just walked away, because, erm, I don't want to cause anybody any grief, any hurt, etc, etc, because it's just not who I am. Erm.. Well I don't expect you to get back in touch with me because, er, well, to be honest why should you? Erm but er just give it a rest okay and, 'cos you know I'm not doing anything to you, I'm just staying away, and keeping away from everything. Alright, well I wish you well because I don't wish you anything (else ???). Erm I'll go right. Bye bye.

Now I'm sorry but what she is saying there does not bear any truth to the facts.

  • If she is "sick of all this" why is she still trying to make contact with my husband?

  • If she is "sick of fighting and bickering" why will she not respect our wishes and stay away from us?

  • If "it's just not who [she] is" then why is she doing this?

  • If she "is trying to be the reasonable one" why did she behave in such a way that upset me so much that the ward staff were worried about me?

  • If she doesn't "want to cause anybody any grief, any hurt, etc, etc," why is she still trying to re-instigate the relationship with my husband hurting both him and me?

  • If she's "not doing anything to [me]" why is she acting in a manner designed to cause me hurt and suffering?

  • If she is "just staying away, and keeping away from everything" why did she choose to go to a bar that she only ever frequented during the time she was having the affair with my husband and at a time that she knew my husband was likely to be there?
She says that she doesn't want to re-instigate the relationship with my husband, but the message she left on his answering service is not giving that impression, and neither do her actions. Notice that she is, by inference, blaming me for the situation but despite being told to leave us alone she is still putting herself into a position were where she is being hurt at the constant rejection that she is getting from my husband, and not being adult and/or willing enough to accept the decision that he's made.

You can make your own mind up about her state of mind, motives, etc. All I know is that if she doesn't stop pestering us, or to be more precise pestering my husband, we will seek the protection of the courts and get an injunction against her, in fact, we are already looking at involving the police with a view to criminalising her harassment.

Update - 1 Sept 2006 Hubby has now made a report to the police so the next time she chases after him she will most likely get a visit from Plod.

As you'll have noticed, I've given my husband posting rights here so he can add anything he needs/wants to fill out gaps or correct mistakes I make in relaying events.


shattered said...

rathgild it is really good to see you posting again.

Don't beat yourself up trying to get answers. These people just don't think rationally and you will probably never get the answers to all the questions that you have asked.

Concentrate on yourself....focus all your energy on you and your marriage.

rathgild said...

rathgild it is really good to see you posting again

It's good to be back. Though someone did say that getting locked up on a looney ward was an extreme way of avoiding the festival.

I know I shouldn't let her get to me, but it is so hard when she keeps demanding that she remains a part of my husband's life. It's hard when she is trying to make me out to be the bad guy and to some extent seems to be winning that battle. I feel desperately alone and continually worried that at some point she is just going to wear down my husband and that he'll give into her demands. We were trying to be nice and get her to leave us alone without criminalising her but it's looking like she is going to have to get a visit from the police to get her out of the fantasy she's living and back into the real world.

S* said...

I'm so glad you're ok and out of the hospital. When your husband emailed me, I'd assumed the worst and was worried you'd hurt yourself. Thank goodness you're alright.

And of course this GIRL is "not being an adult"...because she's a selfish 19 year old child who doesn't realize that her actions have consequences. You would think that your husband literally running away from her would be hint enough, but clearly she's too emotionally immature to get it. Considering all that you've been through, I would highly suggest that you do take legal action to get her to leave you both alone. I could see if your husband were still in contact with her and leading her on, but clearly he's made it clear that it's over. It's now time for you two to focus solely on each other without the distraction of a 19 year old child.

And you KNOW you're not the bad guy.

rathgild said...

I'm so glad you're ok and out of the hospital. When your husband emailed me, I'd assumed the worst and was worried you'd hurt yourself. Thank goodness you're alright.

It was partly because I knew that you and shattered would be worried that I told him he should put something online. I'd left my email open so it was the easiest way for him to get in touch. Thank you (both) for all your concern, it does go some way towards keeping me sane :)

I think the thing I find most hurtful is that there are people that we considered to be our friends who seem to having fun by stirring things up, irrespective of the effects it has on other peoples health and well being. I guess it's time we called them on their behaviour because they don't have the excuse of being immature children to cover for the hurt they cause.

Anyway, all is well (for the moment) but I have to say that my mood is up and down so I can't promise that it will stay that way for any length of time. As one of the nurses kept saying I just need to face each day one step at a time and learn to walk away if things are too much for me.

Thanks again for your support.